Season 3 Episode 4 - The Calm
by fanningon
Summary: Fourth episode of a 8 episode season 3 fanfic. Please read episodes 1, 2, and 3 first. If you can, read it with the suggested music. Cheers m'dears


_'Big Long Now' by Nirvana_

Rae opened her eyes.

He wasn't asleep.

He wasn't lying in the bed beside her.

He wasn't watching her sleep.

He was standing. Smoking. Looking out the window.

Still.

Perfectly still.

Until he raised the cigarette to this mouth, sucked it heavily. Then folded his arms over his chest again.

She sat up in the bed. Not attempting to hide that she was awake.

The room was dark. She looked over at the clock. 2 am.

"Finn?' Her voice was soft, low and it fell dead in the silent room.

He didn't stir.

"Finn?" She said louder and she saw him blink, saw him swallow, saw him gather all the parts of himself, slowly and painfully; to be contained within his own skin again. He turned his eyes to her slowly.

"Are you ok?" She asked him, slightly scared.

"No." His voice was abrasive, painful to hear. She reached out to touch him, but seeing him not reach out to her made her pause. She dropped her hand and sat up more fully.

"What you doing?" She wasn't sure that she wanted to know.

"Thinking." His voice was almost a hiss in the darkness. The cigarette end lit up as he drew heavily on it again, holding the smoke in for a moment before letting it slowly escape from his mouth. He turned his eyes back to the window.

"Can you tell me what you're thinking?"

The room was silent and then he snorted derisively.

"Not sure you want'a hear it." His eyes slowly fell upon her face again.

"Maybe I don't." Her voice was higher than usual, shaking slightly, "but I probably should hear it." She finished softly.

"My father can't keep his dick in his pants and gets stuck with me at 16." His voice was slow, unnaturally even, "He's a fuck up, you know. Can't handle his emotions. Can't talk." He paused and slowly returned his eyes to the window. "My sister dies. My mother goes crazy while he sits there with his thumb up his arse." He lowered his head, "My mother leaves because she blames me and is thinking about killing me. My father tells me nothing of this all my life. Not a word. Then at 17 I nearly knock up my ever so slightly crazy girlfriend. I'm a fuck up, you know. Just like him… I am making all the same mistakes he made." Rae felt a sting in her eyes, her heart starting to hammer. "How much do you think I can fuck you up Rae? As much as he fucked her up?" He laughed cynically. "Probably more." He sucked on the cigarette again, his eyes hollow with introspective pain. "He was right, you'll leave. Why would you stay?"

"You are not your father Finn." He turned his face to her.

"I'm angry Rae." His voice was still stilted, unnatural, but he sounded a little more like himself, and his calm face was cracking, his teeth grinding. Rae steadied herself against the pain she felt. She knew what she had to say, she knew she had to do what was best for him.

"You're talking like you want to break up. Like you need some time alone to sort through this." She said as calmly as she could. "Is that what you are saying?"

"No." He said, softer. He turned his whole body to her, "I don't want to break up with you Rae. But you should probably break up with me." He stubbed the cigarette out on the wall. "I'm real angry. And I don't know what that's gonna mean for us." Rae reached out for him, and this time his fingers twitched towards her, but he did not reach for her.

"I'm not gonna leave you Finn. I've already been through worse than your anger."

"Why would you want'a be with me now?" Vulnerability crept into his voice.

"Why wouldn't I?" His hand slowly moved to hers and their fingers intertwined as she stood up, laced her other arm around his waist and pressed herself to him. He aggressively wrapped his spare arm around her, holding her tightly to himself.

"It's not you Rae." He whispered to her urgently, "This rage, it's not you. So if I do anything… I'll try not to… but if I do anything… bad. Remember it's not you."

"I know." She soothed.

"I'm scared of this… feeling." He finished after a moment's thought.

"I'm not." She reached up and stroked his face, "I could never be scared of any part of you Finn." She kissed his lips softly, and he returned the kiss, slightly stiffer than usual. His eyes fell to the crumpled up letter on the floor and he instantly let go of Rae, almost pushing her aside, as if he had forgotten her.

He picked up the piece of paper and straightened it out. He re-read. His face completely blank, emotionless and utterly heartbreaking to Rae, who fought back her tears.

Without any indication of what he was doing he reached into his pocket. Rae kept her eyes on his, he looked at the letter. He raised his lighter to the corner of the letter.

"If you do that Finn, your dad'll know you read it."

"I don't give a fuck Rae. He let me forget my sister. He let my mum go mad. I don't give a fuck about him."

"You don't mean that."

Finn lit his lighter, the paper cracked as the corner slowly started to smoulder.

"Fuck you." He whispered to the letter as flames started to devour it, speeding up towards his hand.

"Finn, drop it in your bin." Rae said as she emptied his metal bin and held it out to him. He held the letter his eyes watching the flames. She smelt burning hair and realised it was burning the hair on the back of his hand.

"Finn drop it!" She commanded in a panicked tone, his eyes seem to come back to her from far away and he dropped the letter into the bin, finally seeming to feel the pain in his hand and arm.

"Fuck." He murmured as he looked at this arm in the light of the fire in his bin. He looked up at Rae, "I'm sorry." He said, and she saw some life in his eyes again.

"Come on." She took his unburned hand and the bin and hurried him into the bathroom. She turned the shower on cold and thrust the bin under it, extinguishing the fire, and then made Finn put his arm under it.

"I'm sorry Rae." He said numbly.

"It's alright."

"No it's not." He kept his eyes on his burned arm, his voice gentle, vulnerable. "I'm a mess at the minute. It might be better for you if you were far away from me. It might be best if we did take time apart."

"No it wouldn't." She answered firmly, "Let me have the chance to look after you for once."

"It's my job to look after you." He lamented.

"Well Finn. I want our relationship to be equal. You told Kester that you worried that you weren't enough for me. I worry that I'm not enough for you. I worry that you think I'm too mental to look after you."

"I don't want my stuff to make your stuff worse." He answered self-consciously.

"Finn. You're me man. Your stuff is my stuff." He turned to her, his eyes filled with that unfathomable look of his. And she focussed her eyes on his arm.

"It's not as bad as I worried." She said as she inspected the singed hairs, his eyes stayed on her, "Don't look like it's blistered." She thrust his hand back under the water.

"Rae." She looked up at him, "you are my everything." He said slowly. "I'm nothing without you."

"That's not true Finn. But maybe we both make each other better." He lifted both of his hands to her face.

"Keep your hand in the water!" She tried to command, but his lips were on hers.

"Make love to me?" He asked vulnerably.

"Always." She breathed, her hands finding the hem of his shirt, "But is that what you really need?"

"I need you." His mouth devoured hers and she felt his body start to shake. She didn't know if it was rage or grief, she just tried to match his aggressive kisses.

When he gasped and stopped, she felt the tears on his face. It was still grief. It was still grief that owned most of her Finn.

She led him back to his room and started to slowly take his clothes off.

She slid his shirt off and kissed his chest. She heard his voice hitch in his breath, grief, pleasure and desire mingling. She ran her hands up his back and kissed his body with long, slow, wet kisses. He groaned as if she were a masseuse, healing his aches and wounds. She pushed him gently back onto the bed. And turned the light on. He laid, his hands behind his head and watched as she slowly took her clothes off for him. She didn't move sexually, just resolutely, and his eyes devoured her, but not in his usual lusty way. His eyes were bruised, his desire mixed with his grief, his yearning for her as much about comfort as pleasure.

She bent to the bed and kissed his feet gently, wanting to show love to every part of him. She understood why he needed this, why he needed to feel loved. She kissed her way up his body slowly.

When she got to his penis she kissed him gently, in the same way she'd been kissing all of his body, with love, not sex, before continuing on to his stomach, back to his chest, his neck and finally his mouth.

She straddled him and gently guided his cock so that it glided smoothly into her. She found his eyes, vulnerable, needing her. She leaned down to him, her breast pressing into his chest. He reached up and stroked her face, her hair, his eyes never leaving hers.

She moved her hips rhythmically, her eyes locked on his, almost silent. The look in his eyes as unfathomable as ever.

"I need you." He whispered to her.

"I need you." She returned.

She felt his hips starting to move beneath her slowly, matching her. He lifted his chin and she knew he needed her mouth. She kissed him, she tried so hard to put all her love into that kiss, so he could feel how safe he was with her. She felt the tears on his cheeks and stopped to look at him.

"Please Rae, please don't leave me." He begged.

"I won't."

"Please don't do it again."

"Finn." Her voice was firm, "I won't." She kissed him passionately, tasting his tears, his fear, his grief. She felt his arms go around her, his fingers digging in to her in an effort to hold her closer. Felt his hips starting to speed up a little.

She felt the energy between them become charged, as if it might alight at any moment. They both sped up, as if their minds were connected and knew what the other wanted without having to speak. She felt the connection between them strengthen, putting down painful roots, but it was new growth nonetheless.

"You won't go?" He started to smile; he looked relieved.

"I won't go."

"So this is forever?" He was desperately vulnerable. Rae's mind had a moment to register what he was asking, what this meant, and she had no qualms in replying.

"Yes. It is."

_'Soul To Squeeze' by Red Hot Chilli Peppers_

Rae had watched him sleep fitfully for a long time before she herself had slept. And she'd cursed the sun streaming through the window waking her up in the morning.

She saw his eyes open slowly, painfully. His eyes focussed on her and a small sad smile touched his mouth. She felt his hand in her hair.

" 'Morning Miss Earl." His voice was barely a whisper in the silent morning.

" 'Morning Mr Nelson." She returned. He kissed her gently and then slowly sat up, clearly still fragile and exhausted.

"Rae?" He asked gently, fear on his face.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for not leaving." She wrapped her arms around him, wondering what to say to make him feel better.

"It were a selfish choice." She replied playfully.

"Oh yeah?" He raised his eyebrows sceptically, but the hint of a smile played with the corners of his mouth.

"Can't get enough of you." She said honestly, and was rewarded by a small smile and genuine gratitude in his eyes.

_I should tell him I love him._

_But I don't want him to think I'm only saying it to make him feel better._

_But he must know; I told him it were forever. _

_If that don't say I love you, nothing does._

"Let me cook you breakfast." She said getting off the bed.

"I'm not really hungry."

"Good, cos I'm not much of chef." She smiled impishly and Finn felt himself having to smile in reply.

He followed her downstairs, feeling as if his innards were empty and his skin swollen and bruised.

He watched her looking through cupboards looking lost and muttering to herself, his eyes tired and sore.

He saw her cooking and staring, confused at his stovetop, his brain feeling as though it were wrapped in cotton wool.

He looked down at the plate of food she supplied; undercooked eggs, overcooked bacon and perfectly buttered toast with tomato sauce and orange juice and felt his heart swelling with love for her.

"Sorry." She said as she watched him simply look at the plate.

"It's perfect." He answered and looked up at her. "What did I do to deserve you Rae?" His heart ached with his love for her.

"I dunno. Be a dickhead?" She joked and saw his eyes start to fill up with emotion again. She touched his face, brushing away a tear, "be you." She said truthfully.

"Did you mean it last night?" His vulnerability made her terrified for him. He was so lost.

"I said a lot last night." She teased gently.

"You know which bit."

"This is forever Finn." She answered what he was too afraid to ask. She held his gaze for a long while, seeing that look she didn't understand fill his eyes. He nodded thoughtfully and looked down at his plate.

"I'm starving." He said with a small smile. Rae pulled a face at the food she'd cooked, but Finn just picked up his fork and ate it without another word.

When he was finished he walked into the lounge room and took the photo albums of the shelf. He sat on the floor and started to go through them, looking at all the pictures of his mother.

Rae sat beside him silently, noticing how in the earlier photos she looked happy, but in the later ones, there was an unmistakable sorrow.

"I wish we had Photos of Grace." His voice was piercingly sad, "I want'a remember her proper." Rae stroked his hair and tried to think of what to say as he flicked through the photos.

Finn stopped on a photo of his mother hugging him tightly, her face set in a heartbreaking attempt at a smile, while a 10 year old Finn looked at the camera, holding up dirty hands, laughing.

"I always wondered why she looked so sad."

"She were unwell." Rae responded.

"And he did nothing about it."

"Finn. Sometimes with these things, there's nothing you can do." She tried to explain, "He probably tried as hard as he could. But some stuff… can't be fixed." Finn turned his eyes to her.

"At your mum's wedding." He looked as if he was thinking about something painful, "When you… you told everyone about the mental hospital. I were so selfish."

"No Finn." Rae tried to alleviate his pain.

"I kept thinking, why didn't I notice?" He shook his head, "I kept banging on about how you were the most normal. How you kept us all together. But…" He sucked his bottom lip as he searched for the word, "But you needed me. And I didn't know. And you didn't tell me. And…" He moved uncomfortably, as if the though was fighting it's way out of his throat.

"It's not gonna happen again." She answered his fear.

"Dad thought he weren't enough for mum. And he weren't. What if… What if I'm really not enough for you?"

"Finn. You. Are. Not. Your. Father." Rae answered resolutely. "We are not your parents, ok?" He nodded, wanting to believe her. "I will tell you, I if need help."

"Your stuff is my stuff." He touched her face, still trying to convince himself.

"But you have to tell me when you've got stuff too, ok?" He nodded slowly. "Finn, we're gonna get through this, and anything that comes up." They settled into a comforting hug and Finn looked back down at the photograph.

"Do you think she really did love me?"

"Yes." Rae answered unreservedly, "She just didn't see any other way out." Rae understood what it was like to feel that way; to feel as though leaving everything behind was the only thing you could do.

Despite all of her problems, not the least of which was a fear of harming Finn, Rae felt a huge amount of sympathy for Kenzie Nelson. There was a time she might have made the same decisions in her place. But she was learning more and more how to not run away from the things that were painful and hard.

"What if you see no other way out?" He asked delicately, painfully. She smiled. It was so strange for Finn to need so much reassurance.

"I got Kester." She shrugged, "he'll help keep me head straight."

Finn looked back at the photo albums.

"I feel like everything in me whole life were a lie." He turned to look at her, " 'xcept you." He kissed her deeply and she was made breathless by his need for her. A need that went far beyond physical.

He held her tightly and she turned pages in the photo album. A photo of him, sitting on the front of a motorbike, his dad holding him protectively, sitting behind him, caught her eye.

"It weren't all a lie Finn." She whispered to him, "Your dad loves you." She took the photo out of its sleeve and held it up to him. He took it in slowly, unmoved.

"He lied to me. For so long."

"I think… I think he probably thought he were protecting you."

Finn scratched his cheek agitatedly. And looked away.

"Don't blame him for everything Finn. He fucked up. We all fuck up." Rae wanted him to feel safe, to feel better so badly, "Talk to him." She suggested.

"I don't… I wouldn't know what to say." His agitation rose.

Rae sighed and slowly positioned herself to be straddling him, her arms around his neck. She kissed him and felt his agitation settle.

"You don't havet'a know what to say all the time Finn. You just have to try."

He looked away.

"Promise me you'll try and talk to your da." She said resolutely.

"Alright." He answered reluctantly.

She held up the photo and Finn looked at it.

"That were me 11th birthday." He said softly. "Me an Archie an' a couple o' other boys all got to go motor biking round the countryside with our dads. Then we went to the pub for lunch. Archie puked after he had some beer." Finn smiled and Rae laughed softly. "Mum had only been gone for a few weeks. But da was… he were…" Finn looked at the photo. "He made sure I had a good day." He finished softly. "It were the first time I'd smiled since she'd left. I remember that." His fingers traced down the photograph and understanding filled his face, "he were trying to be strong for me."

"He should'a talked to you sooner. But you Nelson men are good at not talking." She reminded him and he nodded.

"I'm getting better but? Aren't I?" He asked anxiously.

"Stop fretting." She smiled and he touched her face, "you are perfect Finn."

She kissed him and stroked his hair gently.

"Can I stay at yours tonight?" He ran his hands up her back slowly, "I don't want'a be here when he gets back"

Rae studied his face and slowly nodded.

He left a scrawling note on the fridge: 'at Rae's'

They walked to her place, arm in arm, slowly, feeling the sun losing its battle with the icy wind. Finn carried his backpack in his hand, the straps dangling on the ground. He intended to go to College from Rae's place tomorrow.

They'd already decided that Finn would crawl through her window; it was easier than trying to deal with Linda in the mood he was in.

They kissed at the road, Finn making a beeline for the garage roof as Rae opened the front door.

"Mum?" She called as she dropped her keys on the table. She walked into the kitchen and saw her mum rocking Aiesha, crying.

"Oh hi Rae!" She sniffed hard and wiped her nose, "I thought you were at Finn's." She continued absent-mindedly.

"He had to do some stuff." Rae lied, a questioning look on her face, "you alright?"

"Oh just got the weepies. You know?" He voice was high, almost shrill and she held Aiesha a little tighter.

"Alright." Rae answered, not sure how to respond.

"You and Finn are ok?" She asked, keeping her eyes on Aiesha.

"Yeah."

"Good." She cooed to Aiesha through tears.

"I mean he's had some bad news." Rae continued, watching her mum's responses.

"Oh?" She rocked Aiesha gently.

"But we're solid."

"Well I hope I didn't hear him sneaking up onto the garage roof a few minutes ago." She looked up at Rae, tears glistening on her cheeks.

"I… dunno…" Rae tried to think of an appropriate response.

"Must be hearing things." She looked back down at Aiesha.

"Right, well… I'm gonna go up to me room."

"Try to keep it down up there." Linda turned away, still rocking Aiesha.

"I will."

She climbed the stairs with a confused look on her face, and opened her door to see Finn sitting on her bed grinning.

_It were nice to see a real smile on his face. _

_I hoped we'd gotten through the worst of this. _

_But I knew there'd be more to come. _

_There's always more. _

_People don't just get over things._

_There's always that doubt in the back of your mind._

_Those thoughts that come to you in the middle of the night._

_The constant gnawing of inadequacy._

_I wished Finn had never had to feel any of it. _

_But I were determined that I wouldn't add to it. _

_I were determined that I would see him through it. _

She dumped her bag on the floor, put some music on and sat down on the bed next to him. He took her hand and they listened to the music for a while.

"How would you like to spend your Sunday afternoon Miss Earl?"

"With you."

Finn leaned in, his hand on the back of her neck, His eyes lingered on hers for a moment before flicking to her lips. His lips gently grazed hers, and she saw him close his eyes tightly before he kissed her with deep intensity.

"You got any crap reggae for me?" He smiled tracing words on her back: _you're my world_.

"No, but I got some crap hip hop for you."

"Oh?" Finn's smile almost looked like him again. Just more bruised, more world-weary. But no less in love.

_'El Scorcho' by Weezer_

Linda slammed the door open again.

"Mum!" Rae sat up, but Finn stayed lying in the bed, putting the pillow over his head and groaning.

"Get ready for school." She said snappily, "and he can't stay on school nights."

"I've gotta get a lock on that door." Rae mumbled murderously as her mother stormed out of the room.

Linda lectured them on the entire drive to school. Finn sat in the back seat with his head down, nodding and commenting at the appropriate moments quite dutifully. But Rae argued until pink spots rose on her cheeks.

_I try not to get in the way of Rae and her mum when they're like this._

_But if Rae gets too upset I can't help myself. _

_I know I should keep me mouth shut. _

_I know I'm skating on pretty fucking thin ice with Linda at the minute._

"It's fine Mrs Bushtat. You're right." Finn said softly, "I shouldn't stay on school nights."

Rae looked over the seat murderously at him, but he winked cheekily and she had to stifle a smile.

"Rae's gotta focus on her school work." He continued.

"Well I'm glad you see it Finn." Linda answered perceptively, "but I'm sure the only nights you won't be climbing in that window is when she's on her period."

"MUM!"

_I kinda like it when Rae blushes like that._

_Don't smile Finn._

"I should put a padlock on that window." She mused.

"Oh that'd be great if there's a fire!"

"You just go out your door Rae!"

"What if the hallway's on fire and the only way out is my padlocked window?"

Linda grimaced at Rae as she pulled up to the school. She turned to Finn.

"If she means anything to you, you won't ruin her chances of getting a good education." Her eyes bore into him.

"I won't." Finn answered seriously, "I don't want'a ruin anything for Rae." She narrowed her eyes at him.

"Good. See that you don't."

Rae got out of the car and slammed the door as hard as she could. Finn watched the care drive off thoughtfully before turning to her.

Finn turned to look at the College buildings and then looked back at her.

"Am I allowed to hold your hand?" Rae looked down at his outstretched hand, "you didn't seem to like it last time." He explained.

Finn watched as a series of emotions went over her face, uncharacteristic silence following them.

"What's in your head girl?"

She looked away, and Finn stood there silently watching her.

_I really just want'a walk into that place with her. _

_If I have to go there, I want it to be with her._

"Rae?"

"I just…" She bit her bottom lip and looked at him. "I haven't gotten over it yet."

"Over what?"

"The reason."

"The reason? That you don't wanna be seen with me?" Finn lowered his eyes and turned away, "ok fine." He shook his head and started to walk away.

"No Finn! Wait!" He turned back to her warily. "It's not that. It's just…" He watched as she caved in and knew she had to tell him, "I'm embarrassed for you to be seen with me."

"For me?" He as bewildered.

_I don't understand._

_When I were working I spent lunch with her on the back tables._

_The back tables where no one really goes._

_So no one would see us._

_Right._

"To be seen with me." She added and lowered her eyes, ashamed. Finn looked around at the dozens of students walking up to the school. He saw Chop and Izzy saying farewell near the main entrance.

_Oh and here's Stacey and her mates._

_She doesn't want me to be seen with her in front of all these twats?_

_I don't give a fuck what they think._

He looked at Stacey, who was staring at him, and then back at Rae, her head lowered.

He stepped closer to her.

"Rae?" She looked up at him, "I'm not embarrassed to be seen with you. I like being seen with you. You're beautiful, why wouldn't I want everyone to see me with you?"

"Finn." She tried to counter him.

"You. Are my girl, Rachel Earl." He said inflexibly and without warning kissed her heatedly, pouring out as much lust into the kiss as he dared in so public a space. He pulled her tightly into his arms, one hand dropping to her arse, the other tangling in her hair, his pelvis tilting in towards hers.

He could hear comments, some laughter, Stacey complaining.

But his focus was on the gentle moan of desire that left her throat. When he stopped kissing her he had to smile at the stunned look on her face.

"Did we just have sex?" She joked and took a steadying breath.

"Later. I think there's a disabled toilet with our names on it." He teased. She narrowed her eyes at his grinning face and looked at his hand as he held it up to her. "Since your reason for not holding me hand is rubbish, I'm not taking no for an answer." He wiggled his fingers at her. And she laced her fingers between his with a begrudging grin.

"Alright then." She feigned displeasure but quickly had to return to smiling when they started to walk towards the main building holding hands, Finn smiling with a mixture of pride, smugness and unabashed happiness.

_I hate this place._

_But it'll be better this time. _

_I got my Rae._

_Who the fuck's this?_

A mix of contempt, confusion and displeasure spread over his face as a dark haired boy, slightly taller than him, walked up to Rae, completely ignoring Finn's existence.

"Hi Rae."

He enjoyed the look of no recognition on Rae's face as she looked at him.

"Hi."

"It's Phillip."

"Phillip! Oh right!"

"I'm in your performing arts class."

"Oh that's right!" Recognition started to creep into Rae's eyes.

_I don't like this guy._

"I just wanted to say that you've got the most beautiful singing voice. I were quite moved when I heard you giving ol' Sinead a whirl."

_I don't like him at all._

"Thanks Phillip." She smiled self-consciously, but still pleased.

"You can call me Phil."

"Phil."

"Well, Elsa wanted me to help you write some of the musical numbers for the school play. So, we'll get to work together this term. Quite closely." He said rather expectantly. Finn's eyes narrowed.

"Oh hi Bill, I'm Finn, Rae's boyfriend." Finn not so subtly placed himself slightly in between Phillip and Rae.

"It's… it's Phillip." He said nervously.

"Oh right. Phillip." The last P popped out of his mouth derisively. Phillip held out his hand to shake and Finn looked at it for a moment and then back at his face.

"Ok." Phillip said dropping his hand and backing away from Finn slightly as Finn grinned at him like he would like to cut that hand off. "I'll see you in performing arts class Rae." He looked at her longingly for a moment and then turned to leave.

"I'll see you there too." Finn called after him.

_Right. Well I guess I better enrol in the performing arts class now._

_Shit._

_I hate performing arts._

The bell rang and Finn turned to Rae, she had a slightly exasperated look on her face.

"What was that?"

"He were flirting with you."

"No he wasn't!" She shook her head at him, "But y'are cute when you're jealous!" She grinned and hardly noticed all the students milling around them as he kissed her.

"When's performing arts class?"

"Fourth period."

"Right, I'll see you in break then." He kissed her again and headed towards the administration office to change his classes. Rae watched him leave, shaking her head. Then she turned and headed to math class.

_'Television, The Drug Of A Nation' by Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy_

"I don't just want one dimensional exploration of issues!" She walked amongst them in sky high heels, a black pencil skirt and deep blue shirt, her hair in a high ponytail. "What's something that affects teenagers?" Finn walked in late, paused when Elsa turned her eyes to him, unimpressed. He pulled a face and sat down on the floor near the door, nodding at Rae across the room. Elsa turned and pointed at a student, inviting an answer to her question.

"Unwanted pregnancy." Stacey said confidently.

"Excellent Stacey. Now there's an obvious human element to that. You need to tell that story. But there's more. Why is unwanted pregnancy an issue for teenagers?"

"Cos we like fucking!" One of the second year boys piped up.

"Ah that's true enough Josh!" Elsa laughed. "But what else?" She pointed at Rae

"Contraception." Rae answered softly.

"Contraception. Chloe?"

"Education." Chloe added.

"Contraception and education. Now at this college, we do sex education separately; boys in one class, girls in the other, was it like that in your last school?" The general consensus was that it was, "right, so how much do the boys in this room now about vaginas?" There was a silence, "do you know about periods? And girls, what do you know about how semen is made inside a boy?" She sat on the stage, "the other story to unwanted teen pregnancy is fear of sex. It's fear of people your age having sex. It's in lack of education, and lack of readily available and cheap, or even free, contraception available to you. You tell the human story to punch the heart out of your audience, you tell this other story to pull their minds towards you. Make a point!" She looked around at her students "but you must do it well, a sledgehammer is never appreciated by an audience. Art is the expression of the human soul, of the human experience, of the human condition. Remember that and write beautifully!" She said with an impassioned smile, "I want you to pair up with someone that you haven't worked with before and create a short performance piece about an issue that affects young people – 10 to 15 minutes long at most. I want you to punch me in the heart and in the brain. Get on it." She turned away and picked up some papers.

Finn sighed and slowly stood up. He was about to wonder over to Rae when he saw Phillip walk up to her, placing his hand on her lower back, she turned to him smiling, her smile dropping slightly when she saw that it wasn't Finn. She nodded to what he was saying and shot Finn a glum, apologetic shrug. Finn narrowed his eyes slightly, sucking his teeth, unimpressed.

"Finlay." He heard a familiar voice say almost seductively.

"Stacey." He replied stiffly.

"Looks like we're partners, again." She added sweetly.

"Looks like it." He smiled grimly.

"Oh come on!" Her laugh tinkled through the room and Rae turned her eyes towards him, "I remember a time when you quite liked being partnered with me."

"Aye, it were temporary though." Her smile dropped slightly.

"Right, everyone has a partner? Great, you'll be developing these skits with your partner over the next month for the regional sixth form performing arts competition. The best three duologues will be sent ok?" Elsa called out. "Then we'll do some comedy pieces too. We'll be doing these as well as your solo performances, the end of year play, your performing arts history and your stage hand work. Got a lot to do, so get to it." Finn looked over at Rae's very unimpressed face.

"You and me both girl." He muttered to himself.

"What was that?" Stacey asked.

"Nothing. What d'you want to do?"

"We could do sex."

"No I don't think so." Finn answered stiffly as they sat down to plan out their performance piece.

"What about body image struggles?"

"Right and what d'you possibly have to say about that?" He asked, annoyed, because he knew she loved her body.

"I have days when I feel fat Finn. Although, not as many as you nowadays." Finn ran his tongue along the inside of his teeth and shook his head. Finn opened his mouth to retort but Elsa walked up behind him, pen and notepad in hand, taking down everyone's pairings and topics.

"What's your topic?"

"We're thinking body image." Stacey said sweetly.

"No we're not." Finn countered testily. Elsa's eyes moved from Finn to Stacey and back. He could see her considering the situation and willed her to understand his reservations. He heard Rae laughing and looked over to her and Phillip; Phillip was telling a joke of some sort. Elsa's glance followed Finn's glare and she sighed.

"Well if you can't decide I'll assign you one." She said curtly, "Do drugs. It's probable that everyone else will be too afraid to do it." She strolled off and Finn watched her leave with a big grin on his face.

"You got a thing for fat girls now?" Stacey asked as she watched him.

"I like Elsa, she a good teacher. I love Rae, she's my girl."

"You love her?" Stacey laughed, "That thing?" She looked over at Rae.

"You heard me. And if you talk shit about Rae again, I'll tell everyone you gave me gonorrhoea." Stacey's nostrils flared in anger and disbelief.

"They wouldn't believe you."

"Maybe not. Let's see shall we?" Finn smiled sweetly.

"They'll think you've got it too." She said horrified, but Finn laughed.

"I don't give a fuck!" He shook his head, "I never cared what those twats think." He smiled lopsidedly, pleased that he had managed to shut her up, for a while, "now let's do drugs hey?"

Rae sat alone; Phillip had gone to the bathroom. Elsa came to look at their work so far.

"Looks good." She read over their notes, "you'll make a great writing duo." She mused.

"Elsa, do we have to work in these pairings for the month?" Elsa watched Rae's eyes on Stacey and Finn, their heads together Finn angrily writing something and Stacey smiling sweetly.

"Why do you have a problem with Stacey and Finn working together?" Elsa asked in a low private voice. Rae looked up at her and decided to just tell her.

"They used to date." Rae answered simply.

"Do you think he has any feelings for her?"

"I dunno. But…" Rae pulled a face.

"You think she's prettier than you." Elsa answered shrewdly. Rae nodded miserably, thinking about the way Stacey's naked body had looked in the girls' change room.

"She is." Rae's mouth barely moved. And Elsa pulled a dissatisfied face.

"She's not nearly as pretty as you think she is Rae." Rae furrowed her eyebrows at Elsa, surprised by her words.

"Aren't you supposed to tell me that I'm beautiful and that Finn likes me?"

"I could, but you already know that on some level. What you don't know is that all these girls you compare yourself to… none of them are as pretty as you think they are."

"You don't know how pretty I think she is."

"No thin girl is as pretty as a fat girl thinks they are." Elsa answered firmly. "Stacey is a teenaged girl, just like you. She has pros and cons, just like you. She is lucky that the current media climate favours her appearance over yours. But that doesn't mean she's as pretty as you think she is. Nor does it mean that she's prettier than you." Elsa shrugged, "opt out of the competition Rae."

"Competition?"

"The idea that women belong on a ranking scale. The idea that we're in competition with each other. Opt out. It's better for you sanity, trust me. We ladies should stick together." She smiled winningly, "I think you'll get through this month just fine. Just make sure you grab Finn for next month. I think you'll create comedy gold together." She looked up and scanned the room. She saw Chloe looking down as Josh, a second year student, gesticulated vehemently.

Elsa pursed her and sauntered over, watching the body language between the two. Chloe was clearly uncomfortable.

"A word Chloe." She said and Chloe jumped up and joined her out of earshot from anyone.

"What's happening?" Elsa asked bluntly.

Chloe hesitated and looked back at Josh.

"Don't look at him. Look at me. What's happening?"

"He made the topic sex." She lowered her eyes.

"And you don't want that topic?"

"Not really."

"Did you tell him that?"

"Well I didn't mind at first, but he wants to… you know… sort of make out for it and he thinks it's stupid that I don't want to."

"Ok. Well I'll have a talk to the class about this. You don't have to kiss anyone Chloe, ever. Don't feel like you do ok?" Chloe nodded, happier, "I'll have a chat to Josh." She started to turn away.

"Elsa." Chloe said almost breathlessly.

"Yeah?"

"Am I broken?" The words seem to fall out of her by accident.

"What do you mean?' Elsa asked with genuine concern.

"Josh said I were broken cos I didn't want to be touched. He said it were just a drama skit. Didn't mean anything."

"Chloe, look at me." Elsa said firmly, Chloe raised her eyes to Elsa, "there are a lot of reasons that you might not want to be touched. And none of them mean you are broken. Understand?"

"I feel like I'm broken." Chloe answered in a small voice.

"Well I can assure you Chloe, that you are not broken. Things get broken. You're not a thing. You're a person." Elsa voice was kind but resolute and Chloe nodded, tears forming in her eyes.

"Thank you." She whispered.

"You are more than welcome Chloe. Now, you've got a good set of friends yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Maybe you can try sharing this feeling with them?"

"Maybe."

"Ok. And if you need to talk, you let me know, alright?"

"I will." Chloe agreed.

"Archie." Elsa called out and Archie looked up. She motioned for him to come over.

"You and Chloe are working together now." She said decisively. Archie nodded happily. "Josh, I think you'd work better with Candace." Elsa said as she motioned for Josh to walk with her over to Candace. Candace looked pleased with that decision, only Josh seemed unhappy about it.

"Right." Elsa got their attention in the last 10 minutes of the class. "I want this class to be a place where we can explore all sorts of topics with honesty. But I also want it to be a place that is safe for everyone. So we're going to set some rules. The first rule I'm gonna set is the stoplights bikini rule. This is about touching." Elsa sat on the stage and managed to cross her leg in her tight pencil skirt. "So I want you to imagine a bikini. But not a sexy one, you dirty pervs!" She joked and several of the guys smiled. I want you to think about one that you might see a sporting person wear. Like short bike pants and short singlet type bra. Got it?" Everyone nodded, "Here's the rule. The areas of your body covered by this bikini are red. No one ever touches them in this class ever."

"What about on boys?" Josh laughed as he pretended to cover his nipples.

"Especially on boys." Elsa said with utter seriousness. "Bikini area – red, no matter what, they will always be red in this room. Everywhere else on your body is your amber stoplights. That means that you check with the person before you touch them there. They need only say yes or no and you do as you're told. So, 'can I touch your lower back in this duologue?' Is something you might say. And the person might say; 'yes, but you can't touch my sides.' And you RESPECT THAT." Elsa said with authority, "without question, without comment. That's the rules."

"What about the green stoplight?" Stacey asked with a bemused smile, thinking that Elsa had forgotten it.

"The green stoplight is any place, other than the red zones, that you have been given permission to touch on a specific person at a specific time. Green can be revoked at any time, and you respect that without question or comment." Elsa took a moment to allow that to sink in, "your bodies belong to yourselves. No one has a right to touch them without your permission, ever. Not even for theatre!" Elsa added with a melodramatic flourish. Chloe smiled, feeling better.

"Now what other rules do you think we need in this room?"

"No slagging off other people." Finn spoke up, turning his eyes to Stacey meaningfully before turning them back to Elsa.

"Done. Others?"

"No making fun of stupid ideas!" Izzy said nervously.

"Izzy sweetie, there's no such thing as a stupid idea when you're making art." Elsa paused thinking, "Unless it's gonna get you killed."

"What art could get you killed?" A student laughed.

"Oh thank you Sam. You've just given us our first assignment for the term!"

"The fuck you doing preforming arts for?" Archie laughed as they headed for the door. Finn shrugged.

"I were good at music, thought I'd give it a whirl."

In front of them Rae and Phillip stood at the door, talking excitedly over ideas for the end of term drama play. Phillip reached out and touched her arm, stepping closer. Finn sucked his teeth moodily as they approached.

"Oh hey Will how you going?" He asked with obvious disinterest,

"It's Phillip, oh…" Phillip stopped as Finn pulled Rae to him and gave her a sexually charged kiss. Archie pulled a face.

"That's fucking pornography, that is." He complained loudly. Finn stopped, still holding Rae, who was left breathless and dazed, and turned to Phillip.

"Sorry did you say something?"

"My name's Phillip."

"Oh right. Sorry. I got a shite memory. See you next time. Bill." He turned, holding Rae's hand and walked towards the cafeteria.

"I'll call you about the play." Rae called over her shoulder to him as Finn marched onward. Archie, Chloe and Izzy following with a mixture of bewilderment and bemusement.

"Wow Finn, you're a bit of a knob when you're jealous." Archie said as they got in line. Finn shrugged.

"Don't care if I'm a knob as long as that twat stops trying it on with me girl."

"He's not trying it on!" Rae said exasperated.

"Aye and Stacey Stringfellow's a pleasant lass." He replied snippily.

"Finn, we gotta work together to write a play. So you are gonna have to behave."

"I will when he does."

Rae fixed him with a stern glare and he returned it.

"Don't look at me like that." Finn said with a 'you know I'm right' tone. "How does he need to touch your arm when he's writing a play with you? Last I checked, arm touching weren't necessary for that."

"He's got a point Rae." Chloe teased.

"Yeah Phillip actually really likes you." Izzy said in an attempt at teasing. All eyes turned to her.

"What's that Iz?" Finn asked.

"Oh, last year at the performance Phil was banging on about Rae's voice and how pretty you are." Izzy said with a smile. She nodded and Rae smiled, defeated. Finn raised his eyebrows and turned his eyes back to Rae.

"So… pretty sure I'd be getting an apology right about now."

"Ha." Rae answered derisively. Finn narrowed his eyes at her.

"But you were wrong."

"He might have been saying it ironically."

"No I don't think he was."

"Izzy!"

"Sorry."

"Or maybe he meant it then, but he don't now?"

"Oh my god Rae!" Izzy suddenly said. "Maybe he sent you the bracelet!" She said excitedly.

Finn sucked his bottom lip and narrowed his eyes dangerously.

"Maybe he's your secret admirer." Chloe agreed.

"Guys!" Rae saw the look on Finn's face, "I'm sure he don't like me. I just didn't feel it there, you know?"

"Well if it weren't him, who did send it?" Chloe pondered.

"It's not a fucking secret admirer." Finn snapped moodily, "It's a fucking stalker. I can't believe you're all trying to guess who it might be like it's so fucking romantic, instead of worrying about Rae's safety."

Chloe tutted and rolled her eyes at him.

"I'm sure Rae's not in danger!" Izzy countered, "it's only been nice gifts that he's sent."

"That sounds like admirer to me." Chloe said as Finn shot her a dirty look.

"Oh lunch time is going to be a pleasant affair." Archie breathed.

"What you having?" Finn asked Rae as he got to the front of the line.

"I dunno. I don't have much money."

"I'm buying."

"You don't have to." Finn rolled his eyes at her and started ordering a prodigious amount of food.

5 minutes later they were seated at their favourite table, Finn opening up a paper bag with a huge custard and cream monstrosity in it. Rae raised her eyebrows at him.

"Felt like eating a cream pie." He shrugged moodily.

"Alright." She rolled her eyes at him, "Thanks for the sandwich."

"Yeah thanks Finn." Izzy said around a mouthful of food provided by Finn.

"S'alright, me dad's been throwing money at me lately." Finn replied still cranky, but Rae noticed him keeping a close eye on how much she ate and had to smile internally.

"Oh look it's Phil." Chloe said with a cheeky grin. Finn looked over his shoulder to see Phil and a group of his mates sitting at one of the other tables. Phil raised a hand to wave at Rae, and Rae waved back. Finn sighed moodily and turned back to his food.

Rae scooted closer to him.

"Look, I don't care if Phil likes me or no. And I'm not saying he does!" She answered that look on his face, "I'm taken." She grinned at him. He looked at her grumpily.

"Alright." He conceded, a satisfied smile started to touch his lips.

_'I got You' by Split Enz_

Rae sat on the table, waiting for Finn to get out of the first of his makeup exams. Rae took the rare opportunity to update her diary, she was with Finn so often now that she didn't get a lot of chances.

_Dear Diary_

_Is it wrong to be glad that Finn will have to repeat performing arts next year?_

_I like the idea of him being around. _

_At least next year, Stacey won't be around._

_Her body is so perfect. _

_And her face is like the sun. _

_Sometimes I wish I could just put my mind in her body. _

_I wonder if Finn would prefer that? _

_I know he says he likes my body. I quite like that he says that._

_But I can't help thinking that he likes me in spite of my body. And I hate that feeling. _

_Oh but he's grumpy today._

_I don't blame him. _

_I don't know what I'd do if it were my mum. _

_Oh god. Maybe he likes me cos I'm mad, and his mum were mad and he's got some weird leftover thing for mad girls now. _

_Oh don't think that way. _

_You don't need it. _

_Think about something nice._

_Like Finn's arse._

_I wonder what Finn would do if I actually bit his arse? _

_Maybe I could just lie on it like a pert little pillow?_

_I should just grab it. And not let go. _

_I bet if you was to scientifically measure the curve of Finn's arse you'd find the definitive answer to all of life's mysteries. Especially what makes a woman happy. _

_I can't believe I get to shag him. _

_Oh god, if I let myself think about it too much I'll end up flooding the fucking school. _

_Gotta focus on going to Kester. _

_I wonder how long it'll take for Kester to start pissing off Finn? _

_In the mood Finn's in today, not long I'm thinking. _

_Oh look, here he comes._

_He's still like looking at porn._

He burst out of the building looking as grumpy as ever, lighting a cigarette as he as he marched across the grass to her.

"Well, I think I'll be repeating fucking English." He spat angrily. Rae gave him a sympathetic face and started to massage his shoulders when he sat in front of her. He immediately started to calm down.

"I'm sorry, it's my fault; you should have been studying these holidays."

"Ah it's alright. And it's not your fault. I knew I'd have to repeat it. Anyway, it means I get to hang out with you more." He grinned up at her.

"I'll still be doing advanced English next year." He looked glumly at her.

"Well I'll still have performing arts with you." He traced patterns on her calves as she rubbed his neck and shoulders.

_That's nice_

His fingers wrote. She smiled and took a quick peak at his watch as he stretched out his arms.

"We're gonna have'ta head to Kester's soon." She muttered.

"Good." He said happily.

"Good?"

"I'm keen for more Kester. The more Kester we have the more chance I got o' keeping you."

"You don't need Kester for that.

"I dunno Rae. You're smarter than me. Funnier than me… you got all sorts of boys chasin' you. Like Gil. He's a writer too, like you

"Are you gonna keep calling him by the wrong name?"

"Aye." He nodded resolutely, "when that twat stops going after a girl he knows is taken, I might remember his name right."

"He's not going after me."

"He likes you."

"Even if he does, that don't mean he's going after me."

"Rae, I know what going after a girl looks like, cos I went after you. I know what going after you looks like." He said meaningfully, "He made you smile. He made you laugh. He's doing well so far and he's only one day in. He's doing much better than I were at that stage." He mumbled, sounding worried.

"Except I'm with you. So a smile or laugh means nought." She prodded him and he got up. "I don't even know why you're jealous of him."

"Cos I know your worth, and you don't." He said seriously, "so I havet'a jealously guard you. You don't realise Rae." He shook his head.

"Sure this isn't you just thinking you're not enough?"

"Ok, that has something to do with it." He took her bag and she smiled lovingly at him. "But that's not all of it Rae." He assured her and she rolled her eyes at him, but with a happy smile. He threw both bags over one shoulder and held his hand out to Rae, who took it and started trudging off towards the hospital.

"What do you like about Bill?"

"Phil. Is a nice bloke." She answered.

"Oh?"

"Yeah, he's not the jealous type." She teased and watched him drag heavily on his cigarette in reply. "But he's no you." She soothed.

"Alright." Finn answered moodily, "but what d'you like about me?"

"Everything." Rae answered and gave him a shrug when he looked sceptically at her. "It's true."

"How much homework d'you get?" He mumbled, changing the topic because he wasn't sure if he believed Rae, or how to feel about what she'd said.

"Too much." She groaned, "You?" He shrugged.

"I never do it anyway." He mumbled. Rae stopped walking and turned to him.

"Finn Nelson, how am I s'posed get through university if you're not there with me?" She demanded. He smiled, lopsided; not believing what she did to his insides.

"Alright Miss Earl. I'll do me homework." He shook his head. But couldn't wipe the smile off his face.

They started walking again.

"It must be nice working with Stacey?" She tried to make it sound sarcastic, but her trepidation was clear.

"Not even slightly." Finn shook his head. "I never noticed how mean she were."

"Yeah but she's so pretty."

"I guess." He said softly, "if you like mainstream." She smiled, understanding what he was referencing.

"Well I do like my Beastie Boys." She said cheekily.

"We should head back to the pub this Friday after. What d'you think?"

"Get the gang together, and Danny?"

"Of course Danny, I can't wait to hear what other tales he can tell me about you!" Finn teased.

"Piss off!" Rae laughed.

_'So Real' by Jeff Buckley_

"I want to apologise about having to cancel last week." Kester lit a cigarette and blew out the match. "We had an emergency at the hospital." Kester dropped his eyes and licked his lips.

"Everything alright?" Rae asked, noticing his demeanour.

"Not sure yet." Kester replied grimly. "Hopefully."

He leaned back in his chair. "I wanted to start this session by revisiting something I noticed last session." Kester licked his lips and turned to Finn. "Finn," Kester continued more delicately than Rae had ever seen, "you feel very… Protective of Rae."

"Yep." Finn answered immediately.

"Would you say possessive?"

"Yes." He nodded again. Kester paused and wiped his hand over his face in thought.

"Why, would you say, are you so protective of Rae?"

"She me girl." He shrugged as if that was obvious. And then after a moment's thought, "she needs it."

Kester paused a moment and turned to Rae.

"What do you think of this?" Rae gave him a frustrated glare. And frantically tried to think of the right thing to say.

"I guess…" She said slowly. "I guess I'm most worried that he's gonna get hurt."

"Why?"

"He can be pretty hostile to guys he thinks are trying it on."

"I don't think, I know."

"Phillip is not trying it on."

"You only think that because you don't realise how beautiful y'are." Finn retorted and Rae sighed exasperated. "It's not just him." Finn continued, "that guy I smashed at the pub, those guys in the pub in Sutherland, the guys at football practice."

"Which guys at football practice?" Rae scoffed.

"When I hurt myself and you took me int'a changes rooms, those guys who were laughing."

"Yeah cos I'm ugly and I'm with a fit boy."

"No they was talking about motorboating your tits." He returned.

"What?" Rae asked with a shocked face.

"I didn't say anything cos I knew you hadn't heard what they was saying. And you're not ugly Rae." He snapped.

Rae thought back to that day, the way that laughter had made her feel. The shame and embarrassment she'd felt.

"What the fuck's motorboating?" She blurted out. Finn blushed and looked, from lowered eyes, at Kester who was smiling, amused.

"I'll show you later." He said under his breath, wishing Kester wasn't there.

"Why can't you just tell me?"

"Cos I can't, alright?" Finn answered testily. Rae went to reply, but Kester decided to move on the conversation.

"Finn, you seem to see a lot of men looking at Rae?"

"I'm not imagining it, if that's what you mean." His anger starting to pique. "That guy in the pub fucking grabbed her." Kester furrowed his brows and leaned forward.

"The guy that you 'smashed'?" Kester narrowed his eyes almost imperceptibly.

"Aye." Finn answered, "and I'd do it again. And no amount of therapy's gonna change that." Finn asserted stridently. Kester decided very quickly that Finn was too resistant to that topic to discuss it with him now, so turned to Rae instead.

"And this is why you're worried he'll be hurt?"

"Yes." Rae said softly. Kester turned his eyes meaningfully to Finn.

"I know she's worried." He answered, "but it's me job to protect her. She's me girl." Finn's answer was immutable to him, and his tone made that clear.

Kester sucked his teeth for a moment, considering.

"So, you are protective and possessive of Rae. And aggressive towards other men who come near her?"

"Not all. I wouldn't smash Archie." Finn answered with a grin.

"He's gay." Rae answered moodily.

"Or Chop." Finn snarked. "Cos I know they're not after you. And I know they won't hurt you."

"Would you say you have a temper problem Finn?"

"Yes." Finn answered simply. Kester looked surprised by his response.

"Well that was easier than I expected." He said with a small smile. "Would you say you're jealous?"

"Yep." Finn sat, leaning back in his chair, his arms crossed across his chest, moody, sullen.

"Would you agree with that?" Kester asked Rae.

"He's not as bad as it sounds." Rae tried to catch Finn's eye but he was staring resolutely at his shoes. "He makes me feel very safe. I just think he sees more from the guys around me than there is." Finn shook his head instantly.

"Nope." He answered firmly. Kester scratched his nose and looked at Finn.

"Are you angry?"

"More irritated. But it don't matter. I'll keep answering your questions." He looked at the wall with grim determination, "Whatever it takes." Kester leaned back in his chair, understanding what Finn meant.

"Let's talk about jealousy, which I saw a lot of last session, and even more this session." He licked his lips and looked at Rae, "do you think jealousy is an issue in your relationship."

"Yes. I'm very jealous of every girl that comes near him. Even Chloe and Izzy."

"Why would you be jealous, I'm not gonna do anything with them?" Finn glared at her, obviously hurt.

"Then why are you jealous?" She retorted, "d'you think I would?"

"No." Finn answered as if the answer was obvious, "but I know what guys are like. And I know that you don't realise what they're like. And you don't know how stunning y'are and you don't know your own worth."

"Yeah that don't matter, do it? Cos I'm not gonna do anything with 'em, no matter what they're like!" Rae answered exasperated. "You don't trust me!" Finn groaned in frustration.

"It's not you that's the problem Rae, it's them. I don't trust guys!"

Kester cleared his throat And Finn turned to look at Kester before Rae did. Kester saw the fire in Rae's eyes, the moodiness in Finn's body.

"Jealousy is often about fear." He said softly. "What do you fear Finn?"

"She gonna trust some guy, not realising what guys are like, and end up drunk or drugged at his house and he's gonna hurt her." Finn said angrily. And Rae's eyes softened.

"That's definitely one part of your fear. But there is another part. Another thing you fear." Kester ran his tongue across his teeth thoughtfully, watching Finn struggling to not close up.

"Yeah." He answered stiffly. Kester watched him in silence. Finn's eyes searched the floor for nothing, he bit the inside of his mouth. "I'm scared of losing her." He continued reluctantly. Rae opened her mouth but Kester gave her a small shake of the head.

"Why is that?"

"I already lost her twice. Don't know if we'll survive a third time." He looked up at Kester, "and I can't be without her. She's my world. And without her…" He thought for a moment, "Everything is dead inside of me."

"You said last session that you kept all the pain inside of you from the first time you broke up?" Finn nodded. "Would you like to talk about that?" Finn shook his head. But Kester stayed silent, crossing his leg over his knee, making a show of getting comfortable. They waited in silence. All eyes on Finn.

"Why'd you dump me Rae?" He asked without looking at her.

"I told you." She said sadly, "I didn't think it were fair to you, that I couldn't let you touch me. I couldn't let you enjoy my body the way I enjoyed yours." Finn turned his eyes to her.

"Was there anything I did that made you go?"

"No." Rae furrowed her eyebrows at him. "It were all me." She spoke calmly, resolutely, but in her mind she was making connections. She turned to Kester. "His mum abandoned him." She said softly. And Kester's eyebrows raised as he turned his eyes to Finn.

"Do you feel your mother left because of you?"

"She did." He said with a bitter smile, "I got the letter to prove it." He shrugged, "but I burned it. It's gone now." He looked away. "But I want to talk about that on Thursday." He turned to Rae, "it's not about us." He explained. Both Kester and Rae knew otherwise, but Kester let it slide for now.

"So what hurt you about Rae breaking up with you?"

"Are you joking? She dumped me!" Finn scoffed.

"Yes but what about that hurts you?"

Finn looked at Kester confused.

"I guess…" He paused. "You know… she didn't trust me. She didn't think she could rely on me. She didn't talk to me about this stuff." His body moved with agitation, and Rae felt tears prick at her eyes as she watched him gesticulate and fumble over painful words. "I were so inadequate as a boyfriend that she didn't feel like she could tell me any of it. She just broke up with me, with no explanation, no discussion. Just… this is the new fact of our lives."

Rae was stung by his choice of words, the parallel he drew between herself and his father. His father that had lied to him for seven years.

"Am I really that much like your father?" She whispered. And she saw Finn's bad temper instantly disappear when he realised what he'd done.

"I didn't mean that, I'm sorry."

"Finn? Was I like your father when we broke up?" She waited for him as he stared at the floor.

"I suppose. A little." He answered sadly. "You just made up the decision for me" He started to look up at her but stopped, dropping his eyes back to his feet, "You didn't think I could handle the truth, kept it from me. Changed my world."

"Because I thought I were being strong for you." A tear fell down her face as she took in how much damage she'd done to him. "But really it were the worst thing I could o' done." She took a deep breath. "I'm sorry Finn."

"I already forgave you."

"But let's just take a moment to acknowledge the pain that exists surrounding this event." Kester leaned forward. "For you Finn, and also for you Rae." Finn stared at the wall and Rae nodded.

"I don't think you'll ever know how sorry I was, and still am, about that whole thing." Rae's voice cracked slightly, and Finn turned his eyes to her.

"Why don't you try to explain?" Kester prodded as he lit another cigarette. Rae looked away from Finn's intense stare.

"I wanted so much to lose my virginity to you." Her voice rose in pitch and Finn felt himself leaning forward in his chair, wanting to go to her. "But every time we started to get closer… I were paralysed by the fear that you'd…" She sniffed and Kester offered her the box of tissues. "Thanks." She said taking one and turned back to Finn. "Maybe you'd compare my body to Stacey's." She finished. "Maybe you'd see and you'd pull away in disgust." She picked at her nails and thought about what happened in the time they were apart. "You started dating Olivia, and she were so thin and beautiful… and… I can't understand why you'd be with me… And Liam were there. And he… He wanted to leave clothes on. And being with him were better than any time I cut myself or burned myself with shower water. It killed every pain inside. And it punished me enough for the way your voice sounded when you asked me what you'd done wrong." Tears streamed down her face, and she raised a shaking hand to her face to wipe them away.

"I'm so sorry for Olivia Rae." His voice broke as a tear slid down his face.

"She was so beautiful. I understand why you'd want to be with her."

"It weren't like that." He looked over at the clock, hoping the session was nearly over so he didn't have to tell her this. But there was still time. He lowered his eyes, feeling the shame wash over him.

"On that Friday…" Finn sucked on his bottom lip for a while, "I were at this fucking posh restaurant with me mate and these two birds right… one of them were Olivia. And she were giving me signs that she were keen on me." He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, "I weren't even slightly interested. I just kept thinking about you Rae." His finger found the ragged cuticles around his nails and started to pull at them mercilessly. "And there's this window at the front of the place, and I keep looking out of it, cos I ain't listening to anything that she saying to me; she pretty boring. She weren't you. I see Chlo crying and stumbling up the road." Finn grimaced in memory. "And I go out to her, cos she me mate." Finn paused, not wanting to continue. "And she tells me that you was with Liam all this time. And you was lying about it cos he's got a girl." Rae started to open her mouth.

"We'll wait until Finn's finished, Rae." Kester said softly, and Rae snapped her mouth shut. Finn turned his eyes to Rae and then Kester. He bit the inside of his mouth, harder than usual and tasted blood. He took a deep breath.

"I dunno what happened but… until then… I think I had hope that it were all a mistake and we'd end up back together." He shrugged, "I were feeling pretty shite, but after what Chlo said… I were gutted. I felt kinda hollow inside." Finn pulled his hands into tight fists. "And I felt real angry, I guess. I'm not sure if angry's the right word." He looked up at Kester but didn't wait for his reply, "And I went back in, and I sat down for about 10 minutes listening to their shite, and then I asked Olivia to leave with me. We went to her car." Finn stopped. He turned to look at Rae. "You know, when Stacey's mum kicked me out of her house. I were right pissed off. I'd been about 3 centimetres away from losing me v-plates." He smiled sadly, "but when I started liking you, I were right glad that I never got there with Stace." He looked at the floor. "It's so weird Rae, but you make me feel like I've never touched a girl before. Even now, after everything we've done together, I still feel like a virgin every time we kiss. It's crazy. I get so nervous and… I get butterflies in me tummy… every time with you." Finn knew he was stalling, not wanting to get to what happened in the back of Olivia's car, but he was also wanting Rae to understand. "I so wanted you to be me first." He pulled at one of his nails. "That nice caravan weren't just for your first time. I wanted it to be nice for me too. For both of us." He knew he couldn't stall for much longer and looked up at the clock. He swallowed hard and studied his feet. "After I heard you was with Liam. You was fucking with him… I… kinda lost myself a bit. I took Olivia to her car. And… I fucked her. Hard. In the back seat." Finn started to feel his eyes stinging, "I took her from behind cos I didn't want'a see her face. And every time she turned to look at me over her shoulder, I'd stop her. I hated her." Finn let the tears drop from his eyes. "I tried to fuck you out of me system Rae." He smiled bitterly, "The first time I had sex, I hated the women it were with. I hated her cos she weren't you." He took a deep breath, "it weren't what I imagined it'd be." His voice sounded numb and Rae felt her own tears dripping down her cheeks. "So after that we kinda fell into dating. I decided that I should try to put you behind me and that I'd give it a real go with Olivia. She were a nice lass really. She just weren't for me." Finn finished softly. Rae sniffed in the silence that followed and Kester shifted in his seat.

"You both seem to have had some very painful sexual experiences." Kester said softly. "And I want to perhaps move away from this painful topic for now, and address it again at a later time." He took a deep breath and looked first at Finn and then at Rae. "Right now, I'd like for us to think about something pleasant. Something good from your shared history." He looked around the room, thinking. "Let's go with first kiss. Rae, I'd like you to describe your first kiss in detail, all the thoughts and feelings you had that Finn couldn't possibly know about. And then Finn, you'll do the same."

Rae hitched in a shuddering breath and sniffed again, using the tissue to wipe her eyes. Finn kept his red eyes to the floor, his heart aching and his cuticles starting to bleed. He looked at them with a kind of savage satisfaction. He couldn't even imagine what Rae thought of him now. He didn't think much of himself, why would she?

"Ok." Rae said in a fragile voice. She worried if Finn thought she were sick for using Liam and sex as a way to self-harm. She blamed herself for what happened with Olivia. All she could think about was all the damage she'd done to him. Kester saw her struggle. He folded his hands carefully.

"What was happening just before your first kiss?" He helped her.

"Um…" She couldn't bring her mind to that happy moment. She just kept imagining Finn and Olivia, in a hateful tryst in public, in the back seat of her car.

"Where you in your room?"

"It were at football." Finn proffered. And Kester turned to him.

"Would you like to go first Finn?"

"Alright." Finn nodded. "I had a game." He looked at Rae fondly, "and Rae had come to see it. And I really liked seeing her there. Cheering me on." He smiled as he thought of what she'd said. He saw Rae's chin quiver slightly, she was also remembering. "And I started to pay a little too much attention to her, and not the game." He wiped his tears of his face and took a deep breath. "And I got cut down by a twat defender. Bloodied up me leg." Finn sat up and looked up, thinking back to the way she looked on the bench. "We was in the change room. And I was real self-conscious about everything. Like the smell and how much me leg hurt. And…" His smile grew, "and she were taking care of me." Kester watched Finn's mood slowly change. "And I really liked that. I felt… I dunno… I can't explain it." He blushed. "I felt very… desperate to touch her." He struggled to find the right words. "I wanted very much to kiss her." He looked at Rae, she as still looking at the floor, "I wanted to after bowling, but I were too nervous." Rae looked up at him, a smile starting to form on her lips. "We were alone. She said I were manly." He chuckled, "I didn't know how to take that." Finn fidgeted with the hem of his shirt self-consciously, "And she were banging on about being weird and paranoid."

"I said I weren't weird and paranoid." Rae corrected with a slight grin.

"Aye, I remember!" Finn nodded, "I remember every word. But I do like to tease you." Rae narrowed her eyes playfully at him and he felt so grateful for her. "And I couldn't stop looking at her mouth." Finn closed his eyes remembering the moment. Rae looked at his face, beautiful and perfectly happy in that memory. She felt happiness slowly creeping into her being.

"I can't even explain how much I wanted to kiss you Rae. And I were waiting for you to shut up so I could." He grinned cheekily and Rae felt her face lighting up with the same joy. "But you kept talking. So I just kissed you. Couldn't stop myself. Didn't even realise I were gonna do it, till it were done. I just had to. It were like that time I touched you in the pub and had to invent a secret language to cover it up. But this time we was dating so…" He shrugged, "I got away with it!" He laughed. "When I finally put my lips on yours. It's like time stopped." He took a deep breath, the smile never leaving his face. "It were the best thing I'd ever experienced. But I realised that I stopped you mid-sentence, and that you might not have liked it or been ready for it, or even wanted it. So I stopped and I looked at you to see what you thought. And I were struck by how beautiful y'are. It like, stopped me breath in me lungs. And all I could think was 'I just kissed her!' " Finn's eyes were alight with that expression Rae couldn't fathom, but she was starting to feel that maybe she did understand it. Maybe she just didn't know how to believe it. "And I knew she were the one for me." He looked over to her. "Knew it." He said to her. He swallowed and he nodded his head fondly, "and then she says to me, 'you don't have to kiss me, cos you feel sorry for me.' "

Kester made a small noise of recognition in his throat, but made no other sign, so Finn continued.

"I couldn't understand why she'd say that." He looked uncomfortable for a moment, "I understand it more now." He frowned a little and looked back at her, "I'm sorry I didn't get it."

"No it's ok." She smiled adoringly at him.

"Anyway. I told her I were kissing her cos I wanted to. You have no idea how much I wanted to." He shook his head to emphasise this, "and also to shut her up. And I wanted to shut her up, cos I wanted to kiss her more." His eyes returned to Rae and he smiled, "it were so perfect for me. I know you probably wouldn't'a wanted it in amongst all that smell and blood. But your mouth is so perfect Rae, and kissing you is one of the greatest things I've ever done." He licked his lips as if her could taste her, "I remember worrying about where to put me hands. I didn't want'a go too far and scare you off." He chuckled at his own ineptness, "everything about that kiss were perfect. The way you held me shirt, the way you tasted, that I copped a feel of your thigh." He gave an appreciative sound, "and I remember putting me hand on your face, and thinking that your skin were just so soft… and your hair were so beautiful." He slowly shook his head as if he were in a dream. "I knew I were in deep trouble when it come to you." He joked.

Kester turned his eyes to Rae.

"It were perfect. Even with that boy smell." She laughed.

"I sometimes wish it were more romantic like. For you."

"I wouldn't change it." Rae replied smiling.

Kester nodded his head, almost imperceptibly and gave a small satisfied smile.

"For all the bad times you have, there are always these good times." He said softly. "Building a relationship relies on shared experiences. Rae?" He turned to Rae and motioned for her to speak.

"I kept wondering why you hadn't kissed me yet." She grinned at him. "You were actually nervous?" Finn nodded and Rae shook her head. "But you'd already kissed so many girls?"

"Yeah, but none of them were you." Rae laughed, strangely pleased by his words.

"Chloe said that our date at bowling weren't a date cos we didn't kiss. And then she said that maybe you didn't kiss me cos I…" Rae pulled a face, "emasculated… demasculated?" She looked at Kester.

"Emasculated." He said softly.

"You." Rae continued, "By beating you at bowling."

"No I liked that you beat me at bowling." He grinned, bit his bottom lip and shook his head, "Telling me you couldn't bowl, you cheeky minx." He reminisced and Rae laughed.

"Chloe said I had to find a way to make you feel like a man. So I went to your football game." Finn started to laugh.

"Ah. I'm right proper manly, right?' He scoffed and shook his head.

"I were trying to get you to kiss me." She retorted, "it worked!"

"You could'a just kissed me."

"No, cos Chloe said-"

"Well Chloe's wrong." Finn knew what she was going to say, "I'd of liked it." He bit his bottom lip, "but I'm glad it happened the way it did, in the end."

"Me too."

_'Pony' by Ginuwine_

They had gone over their time with Kester by 20 minutes before Rae had finished describing her perspective on their first kiss.

They left his office holding hands, smiling and chatting freely. Rae wanted to stop of at the library before heading home, and Finn had already decided he was going wherever she went.

She picked up one of the lollipops on the front counter as she walked into the library. They were for kids, but Rae almost always snuck one.

She went to the index cards and started to sort through them. The lollipop sticking out of her mouth.

"I'm thinking revolutionary or anti-propaganda playwrights for the performing arts essay. What do you think?" Rae waited for a reply, but there was none.

Finn watched her mouth move, lustily. She pulled the lollipop out as she thought and then popped it back in and Finn's eyes narrowed with desire.

"Maybe I could go with Stelarc… that'd be unexpected." She moved the lollipop in and out of her mouth as she turned over the index card in her hand. Finn made a soft noise that she took to be agreement so she continued. "I dunno though, Josh'd probably do something like that. It's right up his alley." Finn was mesmerised by her mouth as she continued to talk about her homework. He followed her, as if in a trance as she went to find books.

After the sixth book was piled into his arms while he watched her mouth suck that lollipop he leaned in to put his mouth next the ear.

"Can we go back to your place now?" He breathed. She turned and looked at the pile, slipping the lollipop out of her mouth unaware of what it was doing to him.

"I suppose that'll do for now. What are you gonna do?"

"I'll look through these books and decide." He said hurriedly, "let's go." He almost groaned as her lips surrounded the lollipop again.

"Alright. Just one or two more books, yeah?" She nodded and headed to another aisle. Finn followed her closely, frustrated, and balancing the books and their bags expertly.

Another thirty minutes later, and with a particularly throbbing erection, Finn finally dumped the 10 books Rae had chosen on the floor to her room.

The house was, thankfully, empty.

She started to go through the books, and Finn sat next to her, trying to get her attention.

"Hey." He scooted close to her. He didn't know how to ask her for what he wanted. He leaned in and kissed her lips, still sweet with the confectionary and he groaned.

"Alright?" She smiled, recognising that groan.

"Sweets taste good on your lips." He licked her lips, an idea forming in his mind. "Be back in a mo." He jumped up, Rae noticing the bulge in his pants, and left her room in a hurry. She shook her head and looked back down at the books.

Elsa had set a 2000 word essay for first years and 3000 for second, on how performing arts can be dangerous for performers. She hadn't meant the danger of a stage light falling on your head either, even though she knew Izzy would probably do an assignment like that. No Elsa liked deeper things than the obvious. She knew Archie was going to do his essay on the gay rights movement throughout performing arts, he'd been musing about Oscar Wilde too. Rae flicked through books about the performing arts in Tsarist Russia and Nazi Germany. She was reading a chapter about Mikhail Bulgakov when Finn came back in, balancing an assortment of food in his arms, a devious grin on his face.

"Hungry?" She grinned at him, but a confused look crept over her face as she saw the assortment of foods he had. He put them down on her side carefully; chocolate sauce, caramel sauce, honey, whipped cream and mango ice cream. He turned to the bed and pushed the blankets off and turned back to her, his mouth open, his tongue licking his top lip, a lusty smile lighting his face.

Rae looked at him blankly, but when he motioned for her to come to him she did.

His eyes crawled over her as she walked across her room. As soon as his fingertips could touch her he started to strip her clothes off her. He made her lie down on the bed, her legs slightly parted, never saying a word, just keeping his eyes on her, his desire obvious. He took his own clothes off, Rae watching him silently, smiling at the way his eyes never left her.

Rae expected him to kiss her as soon as his clothes were off, but he turned to the food, picking up the chocolate sauce, that devious smile on his face.

Rae's mouth opened in shock as he carefully poured the sauce on her legs. He took the caramel sauce and poured that on her other leg. He used his fingers to slowly dribble honey on her vulva, she felt it starting to drip between her thighs. He snaked the whipped cream along her chest. Finishing everything off with a scoop of the ice cream on her stomach. She gasped from the cold and that made him smile more as he knelt by her feet, his eyes never leaving hers.

Slowly, he licked the chocolate sauce of her shin, snaking his way up to her thigh. Rae felt herself whimpering as he kissed her inner thighs where the honey and chocolate mingled, his teeth scraping her gently made her moan. She felt the mango ice cream melting as he returned to her feet, chocolate sauce on his face, the sexy smile on his face having gained a touch of cockiness; he knew what this was doing to her. His tongue lapped at the caramel sauce on her other leg, sending shivers through her body, his eyes still on hers. She watched him lick the entire length of her leg, once again pausing where the honey mingled with the caramel sauce.

She thrust her hips up, wanting him to go down on her. But he licked her inner thigh until her frustration made her grab his hair. But he bypassed her vagina, moving up to her stomach, licking up the sticky mess of melting mango ice cream. Rae inhaled with a shudder as his tongue licked the drips from her side. She saw his body, leaning over hers, sauces and honey having rubbed off her onto him as his mouth opened as wide as he could to eat the cream off her breasts. She groaned loudly as he bit her nipples, his body starting to move like sex; his hips grinding slowly. He kissed her deeply, his face filthy with food, it was like he unhinged his jaw to open his mouth as wide as he could to devour her. Rae opened her mouth as wide as she could to receive his penetrating kiss, her tongue tasting the journey his tongue had just made up her body.

Slowly he licked his way back down her chest and stomach, stopping where the honey glistened stickily. He tucked his hands under her arse and tilted her pelvis up to his mouth, burying his face in the sweet honey, his tongue seeking out her clitoris expertly, his eyes still on hers, until her head rolled back with ecstasy.

Pleasure stuttered through her body like wisps of electricity.

He licked her whole vagina, the sticky honey requiring a lot of work to suck from her skin, Rae's throaty moans making his innards throb.

He hadn't even been able to slide his fingers into her like he normally did before her thighs started to shake with orgasm, her cries of pleasure making him groan. He felt her thighs closing around his head and chuckled lustily, pushing them open again as positioned himself to fuck her.

Rae loved it when he did this. The fire of her orgasm built up again and she pulled him closer, kissing his lips, tasting honey on his tongue as her second orgasm rocked through her body.

She pushed him off hard, and he understood what she wanted, he rolled onto his back, and she straddled him, rubbing her body on his as he slipped into her again. She rode him, grinding her hips into his viciously, as his hands travelled over her sticky body, finding all her curves and enjoying the shape of her under his hands.

She slowed down, grinning at him.

"What's motorboating?' She asked and he smiled devilishly before sitting up, still inside of her, her hips still grinding into him. He took her breasts in his hand and rubbed his face between them and all over them. Rae threw her head back, laughing joyously, at the sound he made as he revelled in her breasts. He stayed up, wrapping his arms around her lower back, kissing her mouth passionately.

"Don't you dare come Finn." She whispered to him when he groaned.

"I'm not gonna." He smirked dirtily as his eyes returned to the chocolate sauce bottle. She chuckled sexily, Finn was taken by the way she sounded; she'd never chucked like that. He realised as she climbed off him and pushed him flat onto the bed that her confidence was growing, and with it, her own sense of sexual exploration. He laid back with his hands above his head, signalling that he was at her mercy.

He shivered with delight as she prepared his body in the same way he had hers. She spent a long time drizzling he honey, very slowly over his erect cock; she loved the way the honey dripped down its length.

She licked the chocolate from his legs, lingering, as he had at the place the flavours mingled. He groaned loudly, more frustrated than she'd expected. But then, this was only the second time she'd be going down on him. She looked up at his hungry eyes as he saw her face near his cock. She smiled, teasingly, he wanted this so bad. She took hold of his honey covered cock, and gently held it flat to his stomach, so she could lick his balls. She had to stop herself from laughing when she heard the urgency of his groans; feeling herself getting even dirtier than she already was as she licked his balls hungrily. She pulled away and looked up at him, her mouth centimetres from the tip of his cock. She saw his eyes on her mouth, his body breathless, his fingers twitching. He bit his bottom lip. She could tell he wanted to grab her face and put her mouth on his cock. She could tell he wanted to tell her to suck him. She smiled impishly as she withdrew to lick the caramel sauce off his other leg. The groan this produced was exquisite.

"Oh god Rae." He groaned breathily through gritted teeth. She slowed down even more to lick his other leg clean and watched his frustration build. But he kept his hands above his head like they were tied there; wanting her to do this to him in her way. When she again came to the place the flavours mingled she took her time to lick his thighs, his groin, his balls, everything except his cock, in slow tantalising slurps. She watched as his hands balled into fists, his eyes watching her with a desire that was bordering on painful. His whole body was twitching with desire by the time she licked his lower stomach sinuously.

"Oh fucking hell." He murmured as her tongue followed his snail trail downwards and then up, licking the mango ice cream off his shivering skin. When she moved up his body to his chest he threw his head back, frustrated.

"Rae!" He moaned as she bit his nipples. She knew the words were on his lips, she wondered if she should keep teasing him until he ordered her to suck his dick.

She kissed his mouth, that same full mouthed devouring kiss that he had given her. He groaned desperately.

"Rae?" He almost pleaded. She smiled like a demon and kissed his neck, his groan reaching a new fever pitch as she slowly, so slowly, allowed her mouth to travel down his chest.

When her tongue swirled across his stomach, his body shuddered.

"Fucking hell." He breathed, unable to take his eyes off her as her mouth again reached the top of his snail trail. He could barely breathe.

He watched her kiss and lick down his pelvis, breathing heavily with desire, his mouth open, his breath hissing out of him with whimpers of almost pleading her.

She looked down at his penis, glistening with honey.

She stopped suddenly. A jarring image of other girls hanging off his cock came to him.

"What?" He asked breathlessly, urgently, "What's up?" He demanded.

"So many other girls have sucked your cock."

"Yeah but none of them were you." His voice was hurried, pleading, filled with desire.

"What if I'm not good?" The last time he'd pretty much fucked her mouth. This was different, this time she'd be doing it.

"Rae." He said firmly, "you'll be amazing." He seemed almost crazy with desire, "I'm almost nearly fucking coming from what you've done already, alright?" His eyes strayed to her mouth as she hesitated, "oh god please Rae?" He prayed, "I'll beg if I have'ta." His breath came out in ragged gasps of desire.

"Beg?" She was struck by the idea.

"Aye." He saw her mouth move slightly closer to his cock.

"Beg." She said ambiguously, seeing what he'd do. He smiled lustily at her and nodded.

"Please Rae." He said with a fire in his eyes, "Suck my cock." He breathed lustily. She could almost smell and taste his desire; it filled the whole room. And Rae was struck by just how much she really did affect him. She smiled cheekily and slowly leaned her face towards his cock.

"Thank you!" He groaned as she watched her. But she kept going, back down to his balls taking one of them into her mouth.

"Rae!" He groaned almost angrily, and she giggled as she took his other ball into her mouth. His groan was half pleasure and half frustration and she loved it. She made a promise to herself to attempt to elicit that groan from him as often as she could.

She slowly licked from the base of his cock to the tip; her action met with a whimper of desire. His eyes watched her mouth as she slowly took his entire length into her mouth and throat. The deep groan of satisfaction and pleasure that emanated through his whole body was perfect. He watched his cock slide in and out of her mouth, breathing heavily, his fingers twitching to be in her hair, biting his bottom lip savagely. He didn't even notice how much he was groaning until he let his head drop back.

"Oh fuck." He sighed unable to stop himself from watching her. That was the best part; that it was her doing it to him. He watched her tongue curl round the head of his cock and knew he was going to come far too soon. She engulfed him again and he tried to calm himself, wanting it to last, but he feared he might be already too far gone.

She cupped his balls and took the full length of him into her mouth again and he felt her tongue on his balls.

"Oh fucking hell." He breathed as he felt his orgasm starting to build.

"I'm gonna come." He warned her, and groaned throatily, his twitching hands finally not able to stop themselves as one shot out to tangle in her hair gently. He expected her to revert to her hand now so she didn't have to get his come in her mouth.

"I'm gonna come." He warned more urgently as his orgasm peaked and reached the point of no return. He groaned loudly, watching her mouth moving up and down his cock. He tried to warn her again, but it was too late and he watched himself coming spectacularly into her mouth with loud appreciative moans. She didn't stop, just sucked him until his legs shook and he had to stop her. She looked up at him, his come all over her mouth, a drop falling from her lips. She opened her mouth to talk, and he saw his come in her mouth. She stopped, realising she couldn't speak without doing something about it. She swallowed.

"Oh." He groaned lustily. "Oh my god." He sat up and kissed her full on the mouth. "You are so fucking sexy." He breathed. He pulled her to him closely. Finn felt elated. Not only had he never had a girl even taste his come before, but she swallowed. He felt his groin throbbing with desire and knew he wasn't done yet.

"I want'a go again." He pushed her back onto the bed hard and she laughed as he spread her legs roughly. His cock still erect and throbbing. He pulled her to him by the legs and the sheets pulled up as she slid down the bed to him, kneeling, his eyes on fire with lust. He knelt between her thighs and thrust into her he watched himself entering her and grinned before he settled down to kiss her mouth passionately, violently; tasting himself and honey on her lips and tongue. He fucked her as hard as he could, his mouth never leaving hers, even when she screamed out in pleasure; even when he came again, with a groan almost as loud as hers.

He lay atop her, sticky, panting, and so satisfied.

"We should clean up before mum gets home." She whispered to him. And they sat up slowly. He looked at her appreciatively.

"You swallowed." He grinned foolishly. She shrugged, not sure what to think about what he'd said. "It's so sexy." He shook his head in disbelief and appreciation.

"Alright." She blushed and bit her bottom lip. His eyes were still on her and she felt a little self-conscious. "I'll have to do it again then."

"Yeah?" He asked happily surprised. She nodded and he wiped his mouth, "it tastes like shit but." He laughed as he grabbed the sheets and wiped his mouth more.

"I don't think so." She shrugged. "I liked it."

"Fucking hell." He breathed lustily and kissed her mouth again. "Keep talking like that Miss Earl and I'm gonna have to go again." He whispered.

"Oh you like my dirty mouth?" She licked her lips teasing.

"Oh my god." He sighed happily, "you're actually a fucking deviant, aren't you?"

"Only for you." She smiled and got out of bed, semen dripping between her thighs. He looked at the mess he'd left there, and the remnants of his come still around her mouth, the trail of lick marks across her sticky body.

"You are actually the most beautiful girl, Rae." He reached out and touched her thigh, his fingers staying to the semen drip on the inner thigh, "and so fucking sexy." He shook his head, "you have no idea."

She smiled and motioned for him to follow her to the shower and he did, his eyes still filled with desire.

"I'm sorry I haven't gone down more." Rae said as she turned on the water.

"It's alright." He shrugged, "I were more focussed on you anyway."

"No but I like doing it to you." She grinned.

"Oh well then," he said as if a terrible thing had happened that couldn't be avoided, "I'll guess I'll have to let you then. As often as you want." He watched the water beading on her skin, watched her open her mouth to the shower water, watched how un-self-conscious she was now. Slowly she grew more comfortable and confident around him.

He grabbed the soap and knelt in front of her, slowly lathering her feet, and then her legs.

He washed her whole body slowly, reverently. And Rae felt like a goddess.

"Rae! You home?" Linda opened the door to see Rae and Finn, heads down over books. She saw Finn, his face screwed up reading something and Rae was clearly mid-sentence, obviously explaining; the beginnings of two essays scrawled in two books.

"Hi Mum." Rae smiled. Linda looked back to Finn who looked up at her with a worried expression.

"Hi Mrs Bushtat." He said softly, reminding her that she was supposed to be angry at him. Her eyes fell to the homework, the pile of library books and then to the tousled bed and two wet towels on the floor. She noticed that necklace around Rae's neck again, noticed the happiness exuding from her.

"It's Linda." She said decisively. And Finn smiled.

"How's today been treating you, Linda?" He asked and she nodded.

"It's been fine, you?"

"Quite good actually." He smiled happily.

"Dinner's gonna be late," She said to both of them, "Do you want a snack?"

"Oh no thanks; I've eaten." Finn said with a straight face but Linda noticed the way Rae had to lower her eyes momentarily before she replied.

"Yeah me too." She managed to look relatively innocent and Linda decided to focus on the two essays being written rather than the two wet towels on the floor.

"Staying for dinner?"

"If you don't mind. It'd save time so we could work longer." He answered truthfully.

"Alright." She answered, "But you still can't spend the night."

"Oh of course not." Finn answered as if butter wouldn't melt in his mouth.

_'Yellow Ledbetter' by Pearl Jam_

When Finn left Rae's that night he kissed her goodnight at the front door so deeply and passionately and for so long that Linda ended up shooing him away. Rae pouted after him as he started to leave.

"I'll be around tomorrow as early as I can, alright?"

"Alright, I'll do you breakfast." She said softly, leaning in for another kiss.

Finn walked home in a happy daze, feeling love flowing through every cell in his body. Therapy had been hard, but she hadn't hated him for what had happened with Olivia. Therapy seemed like the sort of thing that should tear them apart, all the pain that was dragged up and cried over… But therapy was bringing them closer together. And he couldn't be happier.

He had two of Rae's library books, so he could have a quick look at his homework before returning to her house.

When he got to his front door, the pain and troubles of the weekend; his mother's letter rose up into his chest again. He opened the door, he could hear Janice and his dad laughing at the kitchen table.

He didn't know how he felt as he walked silently to the kitchen. He paused at the door, taking the time to examine his feelings rather than repress them. Fear was the most prevalent feeling. He was afraid that he'd look at his father and hate him. He was afraid of what his father would do when he found out that he'd burned the letter.

He opened the door and walked in, his dad looked up from the scrabble board laid out between them.

"Oh hi Finn!" His dad grinned, "Want'a join the next game?"

"No I got homework." Finn lifted up the library books in his hand.

"Homework?" Gary said, a confused look spreading across his face, after having fought a losing battle for years about homework.

"I promised Rae." He shrugged, his heart in his mouth, sorrow filling him up.

"Well it's important to try and keep your promises." Gary grinned.

"There's some casserole in the fridge." Janice offered, but Finn shook his head.

"No thanks, Linda fed me." He tried to smile, but sentences from the letter kept creeping into his mind. "I'm just gonna go.' Finn started to head to his bedroom.

"Are you alright?" Gary asked, concerned.

"Yeah I'm fine."

"And you and Rae are alright?"

"Yeah, we're solid." He smiled more genuinely. "I'm just real tired. Overdid it this weekend and then the first day of college… did me head in." His eyes fell to the floor. "I gonna sneak back to Rae's tonight though, ok?"

"Don't get caught." Gary said perfunctorily. "Just get some sleep?" He added with real worry.

"I will. But I sleep best next to her so…" he shrugged.

"Well don't forget she can stay here." Gary offered. Finn nodded and went up to his room. He looked at his bed, remembering lying in the foetal position weeping and Rae holding him. He looked at the singed hair on the back of his hand and saw a few bits of ash on his carpet.

He regretted burning the letter now. It was all he had of his mother.

He picked up the few specks of ash and put them in a dry empty glass he'd been using for water. He put the glass on his shelf and stared at it.

After a while he wiped the tears from his face and opened up one of his books. He had no intention of breaking his promise to Rae.

At least he knew that he had his emotions under control better than he ever had. Therapy and allowing himself to weep had allowed him a kind of freedom from their tyranny. He felt them, more strongly than ever, but he could somehow bear them a little better, and he had no intention of ever repressing them again. That's what was really freeing, knowing that he could feel what he felt around Rae, and she still liked him. That's how he could bear the pain of his mother's letter and still breathe; because he knew she'd still hold him no matter what. He looked back up at the glass and thought about the pictures of his mother. He smiled sadly and turned back to his homework, determined to have finished the essay outline before he went back to Rae's place.

_'Sullen Girl' by Fiona Apple_

_Studying utopian and dystopian novels is hard. _

_Rae seems to do it so easily. _

_She reads '1984' as if it's the track listing on an Oasis album. _

_She even gets 'the handmaid's tale' and she managed to finish 'utopia'. I can't even get through the first few pages of that book._

_Why did I do advanced English? _

_I'm crap at English._

_I'm crap at anything like that really. _

Chloe looked over the list of essay questions morosely.

"Which one will you do Rae?"

"Probably '1984' it's the best of them."

Chloe looked through questions.

"Did you read 'Republic' Rae?" She asked as they walked out of the room.

"Not yet."

"And you did '1984' in year 10 didn't you?"

"Yeah, so technically I'm cheating a little. But it's not really cheating cos it's a different question."

"Yeah." Chloe sucked her bottom lip and tried to choose which novel she'd focus on. None of them looked like something she could actually do.

"I'll help you." Rae said with an understanding smile and Chloe looked up.

"Thanks." She smiled and felt less terrified by the assignments.

Finn was waiting at the door, having memorised Rae's timetable already.

"How was science?" Rae asked him. He shrugged.

"Easy." Finn put his hand on her waist and pulled her into a kiss

_When they kiss like that I have to look away._

_My heart aches for Finn._

_I know I should be happy for Rae. For Finn too. _

_I want them to be happy. _

_I need for them to be happy. I need for them to make it. _

_But I can't stop loving Finn. No matter how hard I try._

_I try not to think about it, like he said. And I know he has no feelings for me like that. _

_And I'm so glad he loves Rae so much, she deserves to be happy. _

_I just feel so broken inside._

_No Chloe; things get broken, you are not a thing. _

They started to head towards the exit, Tuesday was finally over, and they were free for the afternoon.

Chop was meeting them at the Chippy and they were headed that way now.

Chloe had been nervous all day. After what Elsa said, she had been thinking about telling the gang what happened to her. She kept Rae's therapist's number in her purse. She kept thinking she'd call him. But then, she knew that if she couldn't tell her friends there's no way she'd be able to tell a complete stranger.

Izzy linked her arms through Rae and Chloe's arms and they walked together slowly while Finn and Archie semi-wrestled each other and ran and raced and piggy backed all around them.

Chloe tutted and rolled her eyes at them.

"Boys." Izzy shook her head.

"I'm thinking I should drop out of advanced English." Chloe suddenly said.

"No." Rae sulked.

"You can come and be with me in normal English Chlo!" Izzy said excitedly and Rae pouted.

"I'm just not smart enough Rae."

"That's not true. And I said I'd help you." Rae countered.

"But we're doing Yeats next and I'm crap at poetry." Chloe pleaded for her to understand.

"Oh we're doing Hopkins at the moment. Lord he does bang on about god." Izzy laughed.

"See; they do poetry in normal English too!" Rae pleaded tragically.

"And we gotta do Hamlet."

"Hamlet's easy!"

"No Shakespeare for us this year." Izzy grinned as they walked into the Chippy. Chop got up and grabbed Izzy by the waist and kissed her eagerly.

"Ugh." Archie said as he sat down, Chloe sat opposite him. "We're doomed to be the perennial third wheels Chlo." He muttered and Chloe smiled wanly. Finn and Rae settled down next to each other and Izzy sat on Chop's lap.

"How was school?" Chop was asking Izzy. And Finn's eyes were on Rae, asking her something about a library book.

Chloe and Archie shared a glance.

"This is pathetic. We need to get boyfriends Chlo." Archie grinned.

"I'm off boys." Chloe answered softly. Archie shrugged.

"Get a girlfriend."

_I like Archie. He never makes anything weird. _

_If I say something weird that most people would ask questions about, he just makes it ok. _

_Finn can never keep his eyes off Rae. And now they're together, he's always touching her. _

_And she looks radiant. I'm glad she's happy. _

Izzy yawned and Chop waited patiently for her to stop before kissing her.

"You taking those iron pills?" Rae asked and Izzy nodded and Chop looked at her concerned. Rae had forgotten that Chop didn't know.

"Iron pills?" He asked curiously. Chloe could see Rae's mind working overtime, and realised that she was missing out on some of the girl gossip. She'd have to catch up.

"Girls take them for their periods." Chloe offered and Rae turned a thankful face to her. Chop scrunched up his face and changed the topic decidedly, telling them about his day at work. Izzy gave Chloe a look that told her she'd tell her all about it later and Chloe nodded almost imperceptibly, which meant the boys didn't notice, but the girls had made a date to get together and chat later.

_When Rae told the gang about her stay at the mental institute, everyone came together and helped her. _

_They'll do that for me too._

_I hope._

_What if they think I deserved it?_

_They won't. _

_And even if they do, Rae'll look after you._

_But not against Finn. She'd take his side. _

_But Finn's not like that. Look at the way he smashed that guy who tried it on with Rae. _

_He understands._

_I wish I had someone like Finn that'd protect me._

_I do though. Finn picked me up and took me out of the pub in Sutherland, even though he's not my guy. _

_They'll protect me._

_Just tell them._

_Do it. _

"Guys." She said softly. Archie and Finn had been debating music, Rae shaking her head at their misguided ramblings. Chop and Izzy were making plans for tonight. Even so, they all turned their eyes to her. She looked around the Chippy and saw the tomato sauce bottle. She got up and grabbed it, everyone watching her, and handed it to Rae before sitting down.

"Um…" Her voice was so small and scared.

_What if they judge me?_

_What if they think I'm a slut?_

She turned her eyes to Rae for help, but Rae was looking at the tomato sauce bottle. But then Chloe saw understanding dawn on Rae's face and she turned to Chloe.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" She asked, almost silently. She took Chloe's hand. "Whatever you choose, I'm right here."

Finn noticed the change in Rae, the way she was leaning away from him and towards Chloe, and realised where this was going too.

"What's up chlo?" Chop asked jovially. Finn turned his face to him and shook his head seriously. Chop's mouth opened in shock as he realised what was about to happen.

All eyes turned to Chloe, supportive, serious looks on their faces.

_Don't cry Chloe, you haven't even said anything yet. _

_Just take a deep breath._

_And… and self sooth like Rae said._

She closed her eyes and took a moment to calm herself.

"Near the end of school term." She said softly her eyes still closed, "I had a boyfriend… of sorts. Um… Ian." She took a deep breath. "He weren't very nice to me." She said softly.

"So why didn't you dump him?" Chop asked with an almost wide-eyed innocence. Chloe almost scoffed.

"I guess… I felt I deserved him." Chop's face screwed up in confusion. Archie reached out and took Chloe's other hand and she felt tears start to stab at her eyes.

"I got really upset one day… I thought… I thought I had no one left." She sniffed and looked down at the table. "So I went to stay with him. Because… I were crap at everything else. Except for that." Her eyes became unfocussed and her voice seemed distant.

"He were pretty rough. He just said he liked to fuck." A tear slid down her cheek. "He would literally rip my clothes from me. And thrown me around. But I were used to him, so I guess…" She shrugged, "I guess it were alright." Chop went to speak but Izzy put a gentle hand over his mouth and he closed it with a concerned frown.

"A few days after getting there… one of his friends, um." Her face started to crinkle, tears flowed and she took a shuddering breath. "His name was Ben…" She took her hand out of Archie's and put it to her face. Izzy grabbed a few paper serviettes and handed them to Chloe.

"Thanks." She tried to calm herself. Everyone waited in silence as she blinked back her tears and sucked her bottom lip.

"So Ben was saying that he hadn't been laid for a while. That he needed a wank." She swallowed hard, "and all the guys were laughing." Tears started to leak from her eyes again and she sobbed. Rae leaned forward and rubbed her back and gently soothed her.

"So Ian…" She sucked her bottom lip for a long time, "he grabs me… and he… he throws me to Ben." She swallowed hard, "and he says 'use her to wank, I always do.' And he laughed." Her breath was shaking in and out of her mouth, her voice cracking with painful memories, "and I told him not to touch me. But he… he grabbed my…" her hand went up to her shirt and pulled it tight around her throat. "I asked Ian to make him stop. And he said 'it's just messing around, we're adults. It don't mean nothing' and he told Ben that he could use me however he wanted."

"Oh my god." Izzy barely breathed the words.

"He… dragged me to the bedroom and I told him no… but… he did it anyway… Even when I screamed at him… he just covered my mouth." She looked down at the table, "he said it were alright for him to do it cos Ian had said so. He told me I liked it really."

"Why would he do it if you said no? I don't understand." Chop shook his head.

"Some guys are like that." Finn answered protectively, wanting Chloe to feel no judgement.

"But why are they like that?" Chop was so confused and scared for Izzy.

"Alright guys, just shut up." Izzy hissed at them.

Chloe smiled sadly at them.

"After that. Ian let his friends do whatever they wanted to me. And I had no say in it. Until Rae came and saved me." She turned her eyes to Rae. "Thank you." She whispered, tears streaming down her face. Rae smiled supportively.

She turned back to everyone else.

"I don't really want to go into details. But you have the tomato sauce bottle, if you have any questions." She took a deep breath.

A long silence followed while everyone stared at the table. Except Rae, who stroked Chloe's back and told her, very quietly how brave she was, how wonderful she was, how she didn't deserve this, how it wasn't her fault.

_I love Rae so much._

_Sometimes I wish I were one of those lesbians, so I could love her even more. But even then. She'd just be with Finn. _

_When I look at her face, I can believe that I can get through this. Because I know what she's gotten through. And I know she'll help me. _

Eventually Chop took the tomato sauce bottle from Rae and stood up. He walked over to Chloe. He knelt down in front of her.

"Can I touch you?" He asked softly. Chloe felt tears in her eyes and smiled.

"Alright Chop?" She asked, a little confused. He held his arms out, as if to hug her.

"S'alright?" He asked and she nodded. He enveloped her into a huge hug and she started to cry in earnest. Archie joined in, hugging her over the top of Chop's arms. Rae still held her hand and Izzy and Finn moved closer, shielding her from prying eyes. After a while Archie and Chop stopped hugging her. Chop looked her in the eye.

"That fucker deserves to die. You're a top bird Chloe, you deserve better." She nodded and Izzy slipped in to give her a hug. Finn joined in with this one.

"I love you Chloe." Izzy whispered to her, "Anything you need ok?"

"Ok." Chloe answered, overwhelmed.

Chloe turned to Rae and sank into another hug, feeling the lightest she had in weeks. Eventually they all sat down, Chop still with the tomato sauce bottle.

"So what do you need?" He asked.

"I don't know." Chloe answered sadly. "I wish I knew what would make this…" She shook her head. "Make it go away." She turned her tear soaked face to the floor and sighed deeply, "but I don't think it'll ever go away." She said softly, "I just feel so broken. I always have. But this is…" She shrugged. Finn reached out for the tomato sauce bottle and Chop handed it to him.

"Have you tried talking to someone… like a proper person?" He asked softly, "I can give the number of a therapist. He's right proper."

"You seeing a therapist Finn?' She asked with a faint smile.

"Yes." He answered unashamed. "It helps." Archie turned his eyes, concerned, to Finn.

"But you're so normal." She answered. He shrugged.

"Everyone need help sometimes." Rae answered for him and he smiled at her, taking her hand. Chloe was just so thankful that he was seeing someone. It made her feel like less of a freak. She turned her eyes back to Rae.

"I guess I'll call your therapist then?" She asked permission. Rae nodded as Archie took the tomato sauce bottle from Finn.

"Do your parents know?"

"No." Chloe answered with a bitter smile. "I were gonna tell them, but my dad thinks I'm a massive slut for being there in the first place. And mum hasn't said anything, but she looks at me different." She lowered her eyes and fidgeted with the paper serviette, "I don't really feel like telling them now." She took a deep breath. "You guys don't think I'm a slut do you?"

"You don't have the tomato sauce bottle." Archie said seriously and she looked up at him to see a smiling supportive face, "so you don't get to ask such a ridiculous question." She looked at all of them and saw the same look on their faces, except for Chop, who along with the support and care, still looked confused.

"Why you confused Chop?" She asked him.

"I just don't get why you'd do it if she said no. Where's the fun in that?" He looked at Izzy, "the best bit of sex is that she wants to do it with you." He shook his head, "those guys aren't right in the head Chloe." He said strongly, "and no you're not a slut. You didn't deserve it… none of that rubbish. Those guys were… fucked in the head." He finished, still confused as to why they'd do it, but showing no doubt that it had happened. "And I'll smash 'em for you if I see 'em." He finished with a happy smile.

"Same." Finn agreed. Archie shrugged.

"I'm not much of a fighter, but…" He shrugged to indicate he'd be belting them too.

"That's alright Archie, I'll smash 'em for you!" Izzy grinned.

"You?" Chloe laughed.

"Yeah!" Chloe laughed at her enthusiasm, at the very idea of tiny Izzy smashing anyone, let alone those guys.

"Oi don't laugh!" Chop answered seriously, "She's deadly!"

Chloe was smiling as she walked home, a folder of school notes pressed to her chest. She kept thinking of how lovely and supportive they were. They all offered to walk her home, but she had needed some time to herself.

She had decided that she would call Rae's therapist tomorrow morning; she felt like she could get through anything with the support of her friends, even therapy.

She barely noticed a car slowing down behind her, following her, as she thought about how her friends had reacted. How loved she felt. This was the best she had felt in months.

_Rae were right; it were better to get this stuff out in the open. _

"Hey slut!"

Chloe felt her heart jump into her mouth at the sound of that voice. She nearly stopped walking, but instead made herself speed up. She got to the corner and stopped to check for cars. They pulled up beside her.

"Where're you going slag?" Laughter, "I told you I'd come for you."

Chloe kept her eyes forward, she tried to look indifferent, unafraid as she crossed the road.

Ian gunned the car around the corner to pull up in front of her, almost hitting her. She cried out in fear and they laughed. She tried to keep her eyes away from the car, but she found them turning to see Ian, Saul, Ben and Tim in the car.

She felt the tears on her cheeks and refused to acknowledge Ian and his mates. She turned her head away and slowly started to walk around the car.

Ian shot the car forward stopping her. Chloe looked around the street for help.

Quiet houses, lit internally by television screens, quiet streets, the late dusk air lazily whipping around her face, practically freezing her tears to her skin.

"Fuck off." She said softly as she turned around to head back to the walkway.

"Ah that's not gonna happen bitch. And you know it." His voice had a tinge of menace to it that made Chloe's hairs prick up on the back of her neck.

_Oh fuck…_

_I'm in trouble…_

_And I'm alone._

The realisation hit her hard. It didn't matter what her friends were like, or whether she could go to therapy.

She was alone.

She'd always be alone.

And he'd keep coming for her.

"I need to wank again." Ben laughed. "And Saul hasn't had a ride yet!"

"Yeah but he's still thinking about that fat bitch friend of yours." Ian added.

"I do like a frigid cow." Saul laughed, "cunts like that are more fun to play with. Plus you know, I'm like fucking mother Theresa – I like giving to charity. She still a frigid cunt?"

"She got a lad now, much better looking than any of you twats." Chloe defended Rae vehemently, trying not to look at the car.

"D'you hear that bullshit!" Ian laughed, Saul shook his head, while Tim and Ben laughed. Chloe tried to think of which way to go, to get back to where there might be people. She walked back the way she had come, not making a sound, clutching her folder to her chest like a shield, terrified of the fading light. She heard the car behind her and looked over her shoulder at them as she turned the corner, going up a road she didn't know that well, hoping to find someone up there.

She banged into a person and nearly fell backwards, but he grabbed her arms.

"Steady!" He said amused.

"Please help me!" She cried at him and he looked up to see the car full of guys.

"Alright." He said softly and pulled Chloe to be behind him. "Oi! Why don't you fuck off!"

"Are you mental? There's four of us!" Ben laughed.

"Yeah well… I got a death wish. Want'a see how many of you cunts I can take down afore you stop me?" He rushed at the car and punched the bonnet hard, laughing manically.

"Fuck!" Ian spat and backed the car up.

"Fucking run me down!" He screamed at the car.

Chloe watched on, terrified, her whole body shaking. She saw him swearing aggressively at the car, saw the car back off and drive away, and she felt herself exhale raggedly, as if she'd been holding her breath the whole time.

He walked back to her, laughing.

"You alright?" He asked with a grin. She nodded her head slowly. He lit up a cigarette and noticed some blood on his hand.

"Oh shit!" He looked down the sleeve of his shirt. "Fucking stitches are bleeding again." He mumbled.

"Are you alright?" Chloe found her voice.

"Ah yeah!" He grinned, "So where are you off to tonight?"

"Home."

"Want me to walk you there?"

"If you don't mind?"

"Ah well, I've got nowhere else to be. Well, I mean I do but," he shrugged, "But I don't wanna be there so…" He ended with an almost terrifying grin and Chloe worried that her saviour was just as bad as her villains.

"It's alright," he saw the look of fear on her face, "I won't hurt you!" He offered her the cigarette but she shook her head. "Me name's Liam." He proffered.

"I know who you are." She replied.

"Oh right?"

"You dated me best mate." She said warily. Liam looked confused. "Rae." She reminded him.

"Oh right!" He said with a cheeky grin. "I remember! You're Chloe." He finished and took a deep drag of his cigarette. "Nice to finally meet you Chloe."

_'Ruby Soho' by Rancid_

_Shit gets right weird sometimes. _

_I don't fucking understand it. _

He heard a wolf-whistle up ahead and his eyebrows furrowed.

_I don't know how girls do it. _

_Guys are right cunts. _

_Except for me lads. They're sound. _

He turned the corner to see Izzy up ahead. He sped up to catch up with her and heard the wolf whistle again.

Chop turned his eyes towards the sound and saw two blokes looking at Izzy.

Izzy kept walking as if she hadn't heard it, but Chop felt rage building up in his guts.

"Oi!" He yelled across the road at them. Izzy turned, shocked. "She not a fucking dog! Don't fucking whistle at her!" He started to cross the road.

_I'm gonna beat the living shit out of-_

"CHOP!" Izzy was calling frantically. He turned to her, standing in the middle of the road. She was shaking her head at him and he turned back to the boys who had been wolf whistling at her. They were maybe 14 and they were terrified. He looked back at Izzy and the boys took the chance to bolt. He heard them scampering off as he turned to Izzy and walked back to her.

"Hi baby girl." He kissed her lips and stroked some hair off her face. She grinned at him.

" 'Morning!"

_She looks tired. But beautiful. _

_Can't get enough of her hair. _

Chop still felt pissed off at those kids. But he could never stay angry for too long when she grinned at him like that. He ran his hands over her hips and to her lower back.

She flinched and pulled away with a small sound of pain.

"What's wrong?" His face screwed up with concern. But she smiled at him.

"I just hurt me back." She shook her head at his concern and took his hand. "Let's get going."

"Do guys whistle at you a lot?" He asked as they fell in step together, heading for the Chippy.

"Those weren't guys. They was kids." She dismissed the incident.

"Alright." He knew better than to argue with her when she gave him that tone of voice.

"We got time for a quickie afore school?" He asked excitedly. "I mean, you're up early. And we're not too far from your place!"

"No, but we'll have one after alright?" She laughed.

"Yeah!" He grinned.

"Anyway, you were the one that said everyone had to come down to the Chippy early." She reminded him and he nodded enthusiastically.

They walked into the Chippy to see Rae and Finn at the table, kissing, as always, his hand slowly travelling towards the hem of her skirt. Chop rolled his eyes but Izzy smiled; always happy to see love.

Archie returned form the counter with chips and drinks as Chloe walked in looking tired and drawn. Archie spread the food out on the table and deliberately bumped into Finn breaking the lip locked kiss between him and Rae.

"Alright?" Finn bumped him back, Archie returned by punching his arm and Finn punched his thigh. Chloe plopped down on the set next to Rae and Rae leaned in to put her head on her shoulder. They hugged while Izzy and Archie chatted and Chop devoured chips.

"Alright you fuckers!" Chop suddenly said and everyone turned to him. "I got some news." He shoved some more chips in his mouth and took a big swig of coke, ending with a loud burp.

"You're such a disgusting boy!" Izzy hit his arm and he laughed.

"Right." He said after he'd swallowed, "So it turns out, that me Uncle Richard, who I didn't even really know, liked me quite a bit."

"Which one's Richard?" Izzy asked.

"Hibiscus fella." Chop answered. "He died in hospital." He looked a little glum, but mostly unperturbed, "You know when we was up looking after his place."

"Oh no!" Izzy put her hands to her face.

"You alright Chop?" Archie asked.

"I mean, it's sad right?" Chop answered, "But I didn't really know him." He shrugged. "Anyway, he left me some money in his will." Chop pulled a face, "I have no idea why!"

"That hibiscus must'a been real important to him!" Rae joked. Chop grinned.

"They was talking about closing down the mechanic where I work when Joe retires. So I've decided to buy it. And maybe an apartment too, if there's enough."

"Oh my god!" Izzy kissed him and he wrapped his arms around her, careful to avoid her sore lower back.

"Gonna have to have a party!" Finn quipped.

"Yeah!" Chop agreed. "But maybe just us six yeah?"

"Oh no way! I'm inviting the whole fucking town!" Rae piped up loudly.

"A small party would be better!"

"Not after your sexy party shite at mine!" Rae countered.

"Oh come on Raemundo – you loved it!" He protested, and then realised; "And that's when Finley realised you was the one! If it weren't for me, you two wouldn't be together." He nodded smugly.

"Oh aye?" Finn asked sceptically.

"Aye!" Chop mocked him.

Rae noticed Izzy rubbing her lower back slightly and stood up.

"Loo break." She said as she grabbed Izzy's hand and nodded for Chloe to join them. "We're gonna plan your party Chop!" She shot at him as she left.

Chop watched Izzy go. And Finn watched Rae go.

Archie watched his two best mates and shook his head.

"Finn." Chop turned to Finn as soon as the door to the girls' bathroom closed, "I think it should only be the 6 of us, to protect Chloe."

"Alright." Finn understood, "I'll take care of Rae's plans for your party." He grinned.

"Also, I were thinking…" Chop screwed up his face in concentration, "all this shite that happens to the girls right? That's guys' fault." Finn nodded and Archie looked at the table thoughtfully. "So us guys can fix it right?" He looked excited.

"Fix it how?" Archie asked morosely.

"Well Finn and I met at the boxing joint." Chop answered, "We both know how to curl a fucker up."

Finn nodded, understanding where Chop was going with this.

"I reckon we teach the girls how to kill any bastard that touches 'em." Chop nodded sagely, "us included."

"Make 'em better fighters than you two?" Archie mused. "Sounds good."

"Yeah, but Rae don't like hitting people." Finn thought back to their boxing session, "she good at it but." He smiled reminiscing.

"Hey look at that fucking smile!" Chop laughed, "turned you on did it?"

"I like how strong she is." He answered with a devious grin.

"OOH!" Chop and Archie chorused, laughing.

"Likes the rough stuff!" Chop laughed and punched his arm.

"Oi leave off!" He laughed.

"I always knew our Rae Rae would be a fucking vixen!" He chuckled and Finn shook his head strangely pleased. Archie rolled his eyes and ate some chips.

"Why do girls go to the bathroom together?" Archie mused, changing the topic before Chop went too far and Finn got defensive.

"It's fucking weird innit?" Chop agreed, his eyes straying to the door.

"You alright?" Rae said as soon as they got to basins. Izzy paused, looking at Chloe. "Oh right, you're not caught up yet."

_I don't want to make them worry. It's nothing really. Just another test. _

_That's what me mum said anyway. _

Izzy watched as Rae described in gory detail the bleeding gums incident and Chloe turned to her looking shocked and scared.

"Izzy?" Chloe asked, worried.

"I'm fine!" Izzy replied soothingly.

"Did you get the blood tests back?"

"Yeah, I took me mum to the doctor, cos he called up and said he wanted to give me a check-up." She shrugged. "He wanted to do another test." She lifted up the back of her shirt to reveal a small bandage. "It weren't nothing important guys, don't worry!" She grinned.

"What sort of test are they doing back there?" Chloe asked as her fingers gently touched the bandage.

"I think they said it were a biopsy?" Izzy shrugged. "I didn't really listen. Mum were there for that."

"What's a biopsy?" Chloe said the word carefully, as if it weren't in her native tongue.

"What the fuck were they doing a biopsy on Izzy?" Rae said.

"Me pelvis."

_I don't want'a think about this. _

_It hurt to get it done. And the wound hurts._

_And I'm frightened._

_And I don't want'a be._

_I want'a go and kiss Chop and enjoy his good news. _

"The bone or… tissue?" Rae asked, trying to remember the biology classes she'd done at her previous school.

"It were bone."

"Why would they take some of your bone?" Chloe asked, obviously worried.

"I dunno. It were just a test. I'm probably just anaemic!" Izzy grinned and she headed back out to the boys decisively.

Chloe and Rae exchanged a look.

"We should check out stuff on biopsies at the library." Rae said softly and Chloe nodded.

_'Evidence' by Faith No More_

Finn knocked the door expectantly and looked down at the supplies he'd bought. Other than topcoat paint, he had everything he'd need.

She answered, on the phone, and motioned him to come in. He noticed she was barefoot, wearing jeans and a lose fitting shirt.

"Hang on." She said and put the phone against her chest. She looked at his huge bag of supplies. "I had no idea it'd take so much to fix a hole!" Finn nodded and couldn't stop himself from looking her up and down.

"You know Elsa, you should try to stop looking so good for like, 5 minutes, alright missy?" He laughed. She shook her head at him.

"Impossible!" She smiled. "And ditto." She conceded before putting the phone back up to her ear and walking away from him. "No, Wednesdays are off, for the next…" She turned to him and he held up 2 fingers. "2 weeks." She motioned for him to go through to the spare bedroom as she wandered through to her kitchen. She opened up a personal planner and Finn could see that it was very full.

"Ok, we'll hook up in a couple of weeks time." She paused and smiled, "Yeah definitely bring Wanda and Scott." Finn shook his head and headed in to the spare bedroom.

He pulled a face when he saw the hole. He put his bag of supplies down and pulled the set of drawers out of the way. He took his shirt off, a singlet underneath, and grabbed the newspaper he'd bought, layering it on the floor under the hole.

"Do you want a drink?" She called through to him.

"Tea?" He called back. And he heard her moving around in the kitchen.

He took out his carpenters square and pencil, and started marking up a square around the hole. She walked in, putting her hair in a ponytail.

"Can I help?"

"No, this is my job." Finn answered seriously. "But I'd like it if you kept me company?" He grinned.

"Sure." The kettle started to whistle and she left the room. She returned with 2 cups of tea and pulled up a chair to sit in, her legs crossed like a school girl.

"How's college treating you?"

"So far so good." He said with a grim smile. "Rae made me promise to do me homework." He said with a distasteful look on his face and Elsa laughed.

"I like Rae more and more every day." She laughed and Finn nodded his head.

"Me too." He picked up his plasterboard saw, and starting from the hole he sawed outwards to the pencil lines he had drawn.

"So we make the hole bigger to fix it?"

"Pretty much." Finn grinned at her discomfort. "You know…" He turned to her, "I decided that I could handle Rae's world." He said with a happy smile.

"Of course you did!"

"You knew what I'd choose, didn't you?" Finn fidgeted with the saw handle.

"You can never know for sure what someone else will do. But I had a good idea."

"If you knew what I'd do, why'd you ask me to think on it?

"Because _you_ had to know Finn." She said with an enigmatic smile. "You had to go into this relationship with Rae, willingly, with your eyes wide open, and under no illusion of what you were getting yourself into." She reached into the drawers Finn had moved and pulled out a packet of cigarettes. She lit one and looked at Finn thoughtfully.

"Because even though you love her, if you hadn't make the conscious decision to be with her – knowing everything that being with her entailed, you'd have ended up resenting her, resenting her body image issues, her mental health…" She saw Finn wanting to protest but she shook her head, "this is something I understand very intimately, you understand?" He stopped and looked down at the floor. "I wanted to save Rae that pain." She shrugged, "so I made sure you were sound."

"It didn't worry you how much it would fuck me up to be asked to think about this shit?" Finn asked pointedly.

"Not one bit. If you couldn't even handle thinking about it, you certainly couldn't handle living it. And you wouldn't have deserved her." Finn acknowledged what she had said as accurate with a nod of his head.

"It's scary how close I came to fucking the whole thing up. How close I came to not deserving her." He turned back to the hole and carefully slotted the blade back in to continue sawing along his drawn lines.

"You know, I want'a apologise again for the other night Elsa. I was pretty rough with you and well outta line."

"Well out of line." She agreed softly, "but not that rough."

"Maybe not for you." She saw his eyes fill with guilt, shame, self-hate. "I just keep thinking that if someone went to Rae's house and did that to her…" He sucked his bottom lip and shook his head. He turned his eyes to her, "it were wrong what I did. It were so wrong." He took a deep breath. "I'm real sorry Elsa. Did I hurt you?"

"No." She answered honestly. "Although it did upset me." Finn turned his eyes to her, guilt brimming over in them, "Don't panic Finn. It upset me because I got very close to breaking my own code of ethics and morals. The closest I've ever been." He lowered his eyes.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't beat yourself up. That's on me, not you. And I still wasn't that close to breaking them!" She laughed, "There was no chance of anything happening. I just don't like my body responding to a no-go person…" She pulled a face, "you know what I mean?" Finn nodded

"Yeah." he pulled the sawn out bit of wall and put it in his bag. "I'll use it to colour match the paint." He explained in response to Elsa's curious face. And motioned for her to keep talking so she did.

"My brain never let go of my own code for a moment. So… you were never at risk. It was just my traitor body." She added melodramatically and Finn chuckled.

"I understand that." He looked at her meaningfully for a moment and then lowered his eyes. "I were very wrong to do what I did." He took out some sandpaper and attacked the edges of the new hole.

"You gotta stop beating yourself up!" She said, noticing his hunched shoulders. He shook his head.

"No, I should beat myself up more." He mumbled.

"You feel like you forced me a little?" Elsa understood. He nodded with loathing. Elsa thought to the way Chloe had been acting since she got back at school; she recognised those actions. Knew that she and Finn were friends.

"You been learning about rape lately?" She asked softly and watched him nod his head slowly.

"I'm sorry." He almost whispered.

"Finn. You're not as bad as you think you were." He shook his head in response, "ok, think of it this way…" She clicked her fingers to get him to look at her and he did, his eyes filled with shame, "you were very forceful with me, and you were quite emotional and really horny. But you stopped when I told you to." She added with a forceful voice, and she noticed his shoulders straighten slightly in response to her words, "Most men would not have." She lit another cigarette from the end of her last one. "So that makes you different."

"Most?" His face was filled with concern.

"In my personal experience Finn. Most don't." Finn bit the inside of his mouth, understanding what she was saying.

"Have you talked to Chloe?" He asked softly.

"I have." She said delicately.

"Is she gonna be ok? Like you?" Elsa smiled at the vulnerable young man, struggling with different messages about masculinity, with lust and love and friendship, with growing up, with responsibility, with everything it was to be a young man.

"Hopefully." Elsa shrugged. "Time will tell."

"I am sorry Elsa." He turned to her.

"I know."

"I won't ever do something like that again."

"I know." Elsa said meaningfully. "You are permanently changed Finn Nelson." She smiled encouragingly at him. "There's no going back now. The last bit of stupid little boy inside of you has died in this house. It wasn't a nice death but it turned out ok in the end." He scoffed, but still smiled a little as he turned back to his sanding.

"Why did you come here that night?" Her curiosity getting the better of her. "I mean, I know why you were after sex; I understand emotional numbing. But why did you choose here; me?"

"Cos I'm attracted to you." Finn shrugged, "and there's this air around you, like you're bang up for it." Finn watched her lower her eyes in thought and focussed on the sanding.

"So I've been told." She said calmly. "I don't always try to give off that air, you know. At school I try very hard not to." She sighed sadly. "Oh well, if that's the side effect of not hating myself, then fine!" She laughed. Finn smiled fondly.

"You know, I still find you attractive." He focussed very hard on the sanding, "it worries me."

"Why?"

"Really?" Finn scoffed.

"Yeah!"

"Alright, well cos… I love Rae. That's why."

"Exactly." She answered meaningfully and drew on her cigarette. "No one goes through life only finding one person attractive Finn!"

"I know that. But… since I started liking Rae… I haven't really looked at other girls."

"You're so monogamous." Elsa shook her head and chuckled. "Look, do you ever feel like you need to do something about it? Like right now, are you at risk of trying it on with me?"

"No." Finn shook his head.

"Right, so you have no desire for me?" Finn stopped sanding, his eyes glazing over as he really thought about what she'd said.

"Not really no." He said surprised. "Odd." He turned to her. "Like I can look at you, and see that you are so beautiful, and be real attracted to you but…" he shook his head, "nothing." He made a noise that indicated how exciting that was and Elsa laughed at his mood.

"You need to think things through before you start worrying Finn." She noted.

"Aye." He agreed with a wry grin.

"This whole thing… It's like you're sitting in the front garden of your relationship house Finn, and you're checking out what your neighbours have done with their houses. And you see a nice little cottage up the street and you think, 'now that is a nice cottage' but you'd still prefer your own home… because it's home. You got no desire to get into that little cottage; you just admire it. But you admire your own home the most."

"That house metaphor of yours is right good." He smiled as he tossed the used sandpaper in the bag and took out a measuring tape and a piece of plasterboard.

"You know the word metaphor now?"

"Ah that's Rae's doing." He shrugged with a cheeky grin and started measuring the hole carefully. "You got a bucket and some hot water?" He asked.

"Yeah, I'll get it." She jumped up and went into the laundry. Finn felt through the house metaphor in his head, including the nice little cottage up the street and nodded to himself. That was exactly it. He admired Elsa, could see what an incredible woman she was, but his home was Rae. Rae was where he wanted to be. And Rae was infinitely more incredible to him. He felt so much better about almost everything. He drew up the measurements on the piece of plasterboard he had bought with him. He drew a 2 cm border around the measurements and used his plasterboard saw to cut along the bigger border.

Elsa returned with the bucket of hot water and sat down again.

"Ta muchly." He said without looking up as he sawed carefully.

"Want a smoke?"

"Yeah." He stopped and took one. "Why'd you let me in that night?" He asked as he went back to sawing.

"You looked hell bent on self-annihilation." Elsa responded, "I recognised it, because I've been there." Finn looked up at her, surprised again. "I figured you'd do the least amount of damage at my house." She shrugged, "was I wrong?"

"I dunno." He furrowed his eyebrows and kept sawing.

"Well, where would you have gone if I had turned you away?"

Finn already knew the answer to that. It had been swimming guiltily in the back of his mind since that night. He was ashamed of this answer.

"Chloe's." He said softly.

"Rae's best friend?" Finn nodded. "Would she have slept with you?"

"Yeah. She fancies me." Finn said with real self-loathing, "I knew I were in there if I wanted to be."

"But you chose here?"

"Better prize." He said miserably. And Elsa shook her head.

"No Finn." Elsa shook her head, "I believe that inside everyone there is a constant struggle between the parts of us that for some reason seek self-destruction, and those very sane parts of us that seek self-preservation. I think your self-preservation kicked in when you chose here instead of Chloe's."

"It would have fucked up everything if I'd gone to Chloe's." Finn acknowledged.

"Beyond repair, I would think."

"Oh aye." Finn answered gravely. "Absolutely." He held up his sawn out piece of plasterboard. "she'd've never forgiven me." He knew it.

"Yeah, fair enough too." Elsa agreed. Finn nodded his head in agreement. He put the piece of plasterboard down and grabbed some detergent and a rag from his bag of supplies, he poured some in the water and wiped area around the hole thoroughly.

"What a fucking mess that would've been." Elsa considered as she smoked and watched Finn washing her wall.

"This thing that happened between us is a big enough of a mess for me!" Finn said, his cigarette clamped between his teeth as he worked.

"Nothing happened between us Finn."

"We kissed!" He answered, "Well I kissed you. And I grabbed your…" He pointed, embarrassed at her breasts.

"Oh I forgot that monogamous people are caught up on kissing." She joked with a straight face and he narrowed his eyes at her.

"I don't know how to tell Rae." He said, fear of losing her thumping in his head and chest. He turned back to his cut out plasterboard and took out a box cutter. Very carefully he traced along the lines that measured the actual size of the hole. He was careful not to punch through to the paper on the front of the plasterboard, just removing the 2cm border he'd created, so there was a flap of paper overhanging the edges of the block of plasterboard. He concentrated, and carefully, skilfully made his cuts. Elsa waited for him to finish.

"What makes you think you should tell her?" She asked as soon as he finished.

"Of course I should!" He answered vehemently but Elsa just raised her eyebrows at him.

"Why?"

"Cos she should know!"

"Really?" She asked and shook her head, "You weren't dating at that moment, so it wasn't cheating…"

"I know but…"

"You feel like shit right? Guilty?"

"Of course I do!"

"Right…" Elsa took a deep breath and focussed her eyes on him penetratingly. "What purpose could it possibly serve to tell Rae? Other than making you feel better?" She asked and Finn gave her an angry glare. "All it will do, is take all your guilt, all your emotions about what you did, and transfer them to Rae." Finn felt his insides churn, "Sure you'll feel better. You'll feel lighter; the burden's gone. But you know where it'll go right? Straight to her. She'll have to carry it now."

Finn sat down on the bed heavily.

"I hadn't even thought about it like that." He said painfully. He looked up at her, "You're right Elsa, this guilt is for me to carry, not her."

"Guilt is such a shit emotion Finn." Elsa said soothingly.

"Well I shouldn't'a done what I did." He answered with not a hint of self-pity. "If I hadn't o' made the mistake-"

"Oh stop it!" She said with disgust. "I hate the way we seem to be teaching people that you can't make mistakes. If you're going to feel guilty for fucking up this time Finn, you might as well feel guilty for the first time you ever fell on your arse trying to learn how to walk." She said passionately, "People make mistakes; it's part of how we learn and grow. What matters isn't that you made the mistake. It's how you handle it that counts." She watched all the emotion crossing Finn's face as he considered this, "And you have done a fine job of handling your mistakes. You've been quite the proper young man." She finished.

"Thanks Elsa. You're a good mate."

"I'm your fucking teacher, don't forget it."

"And you're me mate. No arguments!" He answered her before she had chance to disagree. He got up and put the cut bit of plasterboard in the hole; it fit perfectly, the flaps he had created sticking out over the edges of the hole. He grabbed some drywall compound from the bag and smeared it over the edges smoothly, then he turned to her.

"Right, don't touch it while it dries. I'll come sand it next week, and paint an undercoat. Then the week after that the topcoat."

"Thanks." She stood up, and without warning Finn drew her into a hug. She returned it gently.

"Thanks for giving me a chance to make it right." He said softly and let her go, "Where can I put the undercoat and roller?' He asked without looking up.

"Laundry." She answered with a fond smile.

Finn stored the things he needed for next week, and bagged the rest of his things. He cleaned up, put the drawers back and washed his hands and face in her bathroom.

He got to the door as a knock sounded. He opened the door, Elsa coming up behind him.

On the doorstep stood a tall, fit man with dark hair and striking blue eyes. He broke out into a smile as he looked at Finn.

"You're early!" Elsa said.

"Couldn't wait." He smiled at her and turned back to Finn, taking his face in his one hand, his thumb running along Finn's lips. "He's pretty!" He smiled. "Gonna play?" He asked Finn excitedly.

"Um…" Finn answered uncomfortably.

"He's monogamous!" Elsa answered and took her visitor's hand from Finn's face.

"Oh." He said in disgust, "oh." He repeated in sympathy for Finn, as if he'd been diagnosed with a terminal illness. "What's he doing here then?"

"Fixing the wall."

"Oh ok!" The man said more comfortably. "Pity." He turned and looked at him.

"I'll see you next week Finn." Elsa hurried him out the door as the handsome man started to wrap his arms around her waist; intense sexual energy sparking between him and Elsa as she closed the door on Finn. He heard a thud against the door and chuckled to himself. He took a deep breath, feeling better, feeling as if were on the right track, and shoved his bag under the seat in his bike.

He was keen to see Rae, so instead of heading home to dump his things and clean up, he headed straight for her place.

_'Cream' by Prince_

Archie moaned and looked at the alarm clock.

_Why the fuck did I decide 5am?_

_Oh that's right. _

_Boxing._

He sat up, starting to grin, and got ready for the gym.

Chop's talk at the chippy yesterday had made him worry that he wouldn't stack up when they were trying to teach the girls to box. And he didn't want to end up being taught alongside the girls.

Besides, he'd been thinking of taking up boxing since that incident with Tom. He smiled deliriously. Well the incident was actually with Simmy, but Tom was the rescuer.

_Sexy, Greek-god Tom._

_Here I come!_

Archie decided to jog to the boxing joint.

When he finally got there, a light sheen of sweat on his face, he walked in timidly, looking around for Tom. Archie wished that the fitness centre where he worked offered boxing classes and that Tom was an instructor there. That would have been much easier than navigating this centre.

"Hi!" A good looking guy behind the counter greeted him. Archie smiled timidly.

"I wanted to take some boxing lessons?"

"Oh right." The guy smiled and looked down at his folders. "We've got two instructors that work this early, Rhys and Tom."

"Oh yeah. Um… Tom's the guy that suggested I come down."

"Well you're lucky, Tom'll be here in about 15 minutes I reckon." He grinned. "I'll sign you up then?"

"Yes please." Archie grinned in reply.

"Here's a schedule of our fees." He said as he handed Archie a piece of paper, Archie scanned them and saw he could afford it fine.

A few minutes later, Archie was walking into the gym area. There were boxers everywhere. Guys sparring in a ring, guys beating the crap out of punching bags, guys jumping skip rope, guys throwing medicine balls at each other. The place was a testosterone fuelled fantasy land.

"How the fuck did Finn not end up gay?" Archie mumbled to himself as he looked around at all the fit guys. He made a whimpering groan as his eyes fixed on a particularly good looking guy sparring with a less good looking guy in the ring. He watched them intently, the way their bodies moved; the grace and agility, but also the brute power.

He almost jumped out of his skin when a hand touched his shoulder.

"Oh fuck!" He laughed when he saw Tom's smiling face.

"Archie, right?" He smiled, his blue eyes seeming to penetrate Archie's body, even though they just took in his face.

Archie nodded and gave a slightly high pitched noise of affirmation.

"You finally showed up!" He looked so pleased and Archie felt himself grinning like an idiot. "Guy tells me you're my new student?"

"Guy?" Archie said softly, "the guy at the front counter is named Guy?" Archie asked incredulously.

"I know!" Tom laughed, "The only other worse names are Buddy and Dick." Archie laughed nervously.

_I like the word dick coming out of his mouth._

_I'd prefer a dick going into his-_

_Ok Archie, you need to cool the tempo now. _

"So how's your general fitness?" Tom asked as he guided him towards a corner in the gym.

"Not bad. I jog every day."

"Weight training?"

"Not really." Archie said self-consciously as Tom took his jacket off, to reveal a muscled physique in a tank top.

"That's alright." Tom said with an encouraging smile, "we can work on that if you want."

"That'd be nice."

"Right, so do you know how to throw a punch?" Tom asked.

"No." Archie said nervously, he lowered his eyes and blushed.

"Alright, let's just start with a basic front punch." Tom smile winningly and Archie felt his heart leap into his mouth.

_Oh god, he's like looking at pornography. _

_I wonder what he tastes like._

_Oh my god…_

Archie held his breath as Tom took his right hand in his two hands.

"Right handed?" Archie nodded dumbly in response to Tom's question.

Tom's fingers traced down the back of his hand to his first two knuckles.

"Try to keep your first two knuckles in line with the bones in your forearm." Tom's voice was like treacle and cream. Archie looked up at him, open mouthed and nodded. Tom ran his fingers from Archie's two knuckles to his forearm, gently positioning Archie's fist in the correct manner.

"It makes your fist stronger, you're less likely to hurt yourself." He explained, flicking his eyes up from Archie's hand to his face on the last word, a smile caressing his beautiful mouth.

"Put these on." Tom handed him some gloves and he took the pads and held them up for him. "Let's just see how you go."

Archie put the gloves on and tried to keep his knuckles properly aligned. He tried to take up the stance he'd noticed being used by a lot of guys in the room and noticed that this made Tom smile.

He punched the pad. And Tom scoffed.

"You can go harder than that."

Archie punched again, this time with his left hand.

"Harder." Tom commanded.

Archie punched again.

"Don't stop."

Another punch.

"Faster!"

Another.

"HARDER!"

Archie walked out of the boxing joint exhausted, but with a weekly date for boxing with Tom, his home number, and the slight hint of a suggestion that maybe there would be a date not at the gym in the future. He felt like he was floating down the road as he jogged home.

_I'm in love._

_So this is what it feels like._

_'Black Stick' by The Cruel Sea_

By a very lucky coincidence, Thursday saw Rae and Finn sharing a free period just before lunch. Rae sat at their favourite desk, reading '1984' again.

She didn't notice Stacey Stringfellow crossing the grass towards her. Rae didn't know that unfortunately, Stacey also had a free period. She sat down opposite Rae, prompting Rae to look up from her book.

_Oh shit._

_Stacey bloody Stringfellow._

_Why the fucking fuck is she sitting here?_

"What?" Rae asked as Stacey just stared at her. Stacey shrugged and pulled a face.

"You know, I really can't understand what he sees in you."

"Alright." Rae lowered her eyes back to the book."

"You're so mingy." Stacey said in a sweet voice.

"Graduated from bitching about people behind their backs to doing it to their faces have you Stace? Rae asked without looking up.

"You're so fat." She ignored what Rae had said, "and so ugly."

"Alright." Rae kept reading.

"I used to wonder why Chloe kept you around, and I figured it was to make herself feel better, you know, in comparison to you. But now we all know that you're both as fucked as each other."

"That's right." Rae turned the page, having not really taken any of it in, but not wanting to give Stacey any satisfaction.

"Do you hate it, that I got there first? That when he touches you, he must be comparing your fatness, to my fitness." Her voice was syrupy sweet and Rae closed her book to look at her.

"You two didn't fuck." Rae said confidently.

"Yes we did."

"Finn told me about what happened with your mum." Rae was unmoved.

"Finn's lying to you." Stacey breathed to her.

"Right, and who I am gonna believe, you or him? You; a real minger on the inside. Or my lovely boyfriend who adores me. Tough choice." Rae opened her book and continued reading.

Stacey kept watching her in silence.

"He always was good at feeding girls lines. That's how he conquered so many of us." She said with a smile.

Rae looked up to retort but saw Finn crossing the grass behind Stacey, a concerned look on his face.

Stacey saw where Rae was looking and turned around.

"Oh hey Finn."

"Oh hey, fuck off Stacey." He replied. He straddled the seat next to Rae and scooted up as close to her as possible. Rae turned to him and he kissed her.

"That's so disgusting." Stacey said, "no one wants to see that."

"If you don't want ta see it, fuck off." Finn said without looking at her. He leaned in for a deeper kiss, his arm going around Rae's waist.

They kissed for some time, not caring or noticing whether Stacey had stayed or left.

"If we bring the car or bike, we might have time to nip off home for a quickie on Thursdays." Finn's hand started to travel up her thighs, under her skirt. His fingers found her cunt and her groaned.

"You gotta stop wearing these fucking tights." He whispered to her. "I want'a finger you right here, right now." Rae blushed and looked around to see if anyone was near. Phil was walking over, and Finn's fingers were crawling up her stomach, trying to find the top of her tights. Eventually he did and he mercilessly pulled at them to get his hands under them and pushed back down to her cunt, making her spread her thighs slightly. He kissed her neck while she tried not to make any sounds. His fingers slid inside of her and she whimpered softly.

"Phil's coming over." Rae said softly to him. But he just traced over her clitoris with his thumb, his fingers moving inside of her. He kissed her mouth passionately and plunged his fingers inside of her as deeply as he could, feeling her breath catch in her throat.

"Hi Rae." Phil said, "Finn."

"Oh hi Phil." Rae's voice was quite high pitched and she cleared her throat and tried to bring it down as Finn moved his fingers inside of her; the table blocking Phil's view of what was going on, Finn's eyes not leaving Rae's face.

"How are you going?" She said with a lower, but still slightly breathless voice.

"I thought you might like this." He took a book out of his bag and handed it to her. It was a battered copy of 'Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead'

"Ah I love this play. It's probably my favourite." She said and Finn moved his finger faster making her gasp, and she covered it by coughing.

"Yeah I figured when you were talking about the odds being against you and the playwright putting their own voice in it and things like that." He looked down.

"Thank you." She said a little shortly, not wanting to speak because Finn was doing a particularly good job of rubbing her clitoris.

"Right well… I'll see you in performing arts tomorrow. Bye Rae. Finn."

"See you Will." Finn said without looking at him.

"Phillip."

"Oh right." Finn kept his eyes on Rae's face as pink spots started to form on her cheeks. "See you round Phillip." The last 'p' popped out of his mouth again and Phillip knew he was being dismissed. As he turned Finn brought his hand up to Rae's mouth for her to bite into. She waited until Phil was completely tuned around and bit the side of his hand to stop herself from groaning loudly as she came. Finn smiled with lusty triumph as he heard the tiny slivers of whimpers escape her throat. He kissed her lips as he withdrew his fingers.

"There's still nothing better that making you come." He whispered to her and then licked his fingers, while she panted, and blushed.

"I can't believe you did that!" She said with mock outrage.

"I can't believe I didn't do it sooner!" He matched her outrage and ended it with a huge cheeky grin. "You taste different." He looked down at his fingers but saw nothing remiss, so he shrugged.

"Different how?"

"I dunno. Stronger." He kissed her lips and she tasted herself on his tongue. "I don't mind." He asserted, "But I do mind that we can't fuck right now."

"Me too." She slid her hand down towards his groin and he groaned appreciatively.

"Hey guys." Archie sat down. They hadn't noticed him coming over.

"Aren't you s'posed to be in music?" Finn asked slightly frustrated as Rae's hand backed off and travelled back down his thigh to his knee.

"It's lunch time."

"When the fuck did that happen?" Rae asked, "that free went by in no time."

"Did you spend most of it making out?" Archie asked unimpressed. Rae shot him a narrowed eyed glare. But didn't reply as Izzy sat down with a huge grin.

"Look!" Izzy put a bag up on the table.

Chloe sat beside her as Izzy opened up her bag to reveal a beautiful deep green satin backed crepe material, and glorious hand woven lace in the same colour.

"That's beautiful." Rae sad as she touched the material.

"It's for your dress." She bit her bottom lip, "What d'you think?"

"For me?" Rae opened her mouth, delighted. "It's perfect! I can't believe it!" She fingered the satin backed crepe, "It's too much Iz!"

"No it's not." Izzy took the lace out, "this cost a bucket but I had to have it for you. I'll get extra credit for working with something so tricky." She raised her eyebrows apprehensively.

"Thank you so much!"

'You haven't even seen what I'm making you yet!" She warned, "I hope you like it; I'm designing myself."

"I'll love it!"

Finn pulled a sandwich out of his bag and handed it to Rae as she and Izzy talked; she took it without looking at it. He dug back into his bag and pulled another sandwich out for himself and started eating, while Rae just held her sandwich, too busy admiring the material. He eyed the book that Phillip had brought over and remembered Rae telling Phil it was her favourite. He took it gingerly and gently put it in her bag for her.

"I'd never be good at something like sewing." Rae admired the girls.

"It's pretty boring." Chloe opined. "I only did it cos me mum said to."

"That's a shite reason to study something." Archie said and Chloe nodded her agreement.

"I won't do it next year." She shrugged.

Finn gently prodded Rae and she looked at him, he nodded to the sandwich and she realised what he had handed her. She smiled at him and gave him a kiss before opening up the sandwich and taking a bite. Mayonnaise and peanut butter. She looked back at him with a loving smile. It was her favourite sandwich to eat at the moment. He grinned, satisfied, and watched her eat, while he ate his cheese and tomato sauce sandwich. When she was finished he poked around in his bag and produced an apple for her. She liked apples. He ate an orange and didn't say much as the gang banged on about plans for this Friday night.

He was starting to feel nervous about his one on one with Kester this afternoon.

Plus he was really rather horny. And watching Rae's mouth move as she ate and talked did nothing to alleviate that.

His eyes kept dropping down to her breasts. They were popping a little over the top of her bra, he could see it through her shirt. They were a bit bigger and he liked it.

"You coming round to mine this after?" He asked, knowing that Linda and Karim would be home today, and he wanted privacy for how much he was gonna make her scream.

"Alright. What about Kester?"

"I'll be finished at 5. Come for dinner?"

"Alright." He kissed her neck and repressed a groan as her fingers slowly crept up his thigh.

_Keep going._ He traced on her back. She shook her head slightly.

_Please._ She let her hand creep a little higher, until she was almost touching his cock through his pants.

"Right we gotta go." Archie said to Finn.

"What?"

"P.E. Gotta be there early." Archie reminded him.

"Right." Finn looked at Rae and she smiled in commiseration. "See you at mine yeah?"

They kissed and Finn jumped up, casually carrying his bag over his groin as he followed Archie towards the boys change rooms.

_'Missing' by Everything But The Girl_

Chop sucked his teeth and went over the figures Danny had provided. They were sitting at Danny's desk; a small school desk affair with a few knick knacks and a lot of books and bits of paper with figures on them.

"I don't get any of it." He said and Danny grinned at him and picked up a piece of paper. He pointed to at the first column.

"It's relatively easy-" Danny started to say.

"I need to know why Joe would close the place down when he retired, rather than keep it or sell it."

"Ah!" Danny pulled out a single page amongst the dozens he'd provided. "Small profit margin." Danny pointed to a dismally low figure. "Not enough to hire someone to manage the place when he's gone, and not enough to tempt a buyer in this market."

"So it's not running at a loss then?" Chop asked.

"No." Danny replied. "Never has. But Joe always paid himself the same wages as the rest of you, rather than more, for all the extra work he had to do." Chop nodded, trying to make sense of all the figures. He sucked his bottom lip and furrowed his brows.

"And this shit makes sense to you mate?" Chop look utterly baffled and turned one of the pieces of paper up the other way to see if it would make more sense.

Danny cocked his head to the side and thought for a moment.

"More or less."

"More or less?"

"Well it does. But I don't have any qualifications to speak of. So I'm not a proper accountant. Which is what Joe probably needs." He nodded as if that were obvious, "But can't afford." He added.

"But you can do this job?"

"Yes." Danny nodded his head, his single hat moving slightly on his head. "But I don't make any suggestions. Cos I'm no expert."

"Well what suggestions would you make, if you were an expert?" Chop asked.

"Charge 10% extra on parts rather than just the cost. Most mechanics charge a lot more than that, some up to 50%, so you'll still be undercutting them, but bringing in a lot of extra money."

Chop grinned suddenly.

"You telling me we only charge cost on parts?"

"Yes." Danny nodded. "And we haven't put our fees up in about 6 years." Danny pulled out another piece of paper, and Chop didn't even bother to look at it.

"But if our prices are so low, why aren't more people coming here?"

"There's a few reasons." Danny said, "We're always busy, so it's hard for our regulars to get in. We need more mechanics. We don't have enough money to advertise to bring in more people, and when we do get new people, the place is a bit drab, you know? We need a makeover." Danny listed the reasons off confidently.

"So we need more money to make money?"

"Well not that much." Danny considered. "The extra 10% will bring in enough for an extra mechanic and some advertising. The extra customers will pay for the makeover." Danny shrugged, "then hopefully we'll have so many extra customers, we can get some more mechanics."

"Danny, I think you're a genius." Chop tapped his face and Danny smiled.

"I've always wondered if I were."

"If I buy this place, will you stay with me? Help me run it?"

"Of course." Danny said, looking honoured, "you're my friend." Chop clapped him on the back and looked happy.

"Cos I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna buy this place when Joe retires."

"I've got some savings. I can help out if you like?" Danny sounded excited.

"We be partners?" Chop nodded his head excitedly. And Danny grinned.

"Yeah?"

"Fuck yes Danny! You're me mate, you're a fucking top fella and you're a fucking genius!"

"But what if I want to wear two hats?"

"Mate, as long as you can crunch these fucking numbers, you can wear 800 hats! Alright?"

"800 seems a bit excessive." Danny answered seriously and Chop broke out into a big grin.

"You out this Friday?" Chop asked him.

"Yes." Danny answered happily, "My parents have said it's ok."

"Great!" Chop gathered the papers together, "Got a special lass to bring?"

"No." Danny looked glum, "won't bring a girl."

"But do you have a girl?" Chop asked, seeing the look on his face. He was getting better reading subtle looks on people's faces thanks to hanging out with 3 girls all the time. Danny's slumped shoulders, down cast eyes and downturned mouth, made Chop think that maybe he was feeling a bit sad about something, but he wasn't completely sure.

Danny nodded sadly and turned to the picture of a hand drawn duck in a pond. It was in a beautiful silver picture frame and Danny took it with him every night when he went home, and bought it in every day.

He picked it up and sighed.

"Tix." He said sadly. Chop stayed silent. He'd learned this from Izzy. Whenever she wanted him to say stuff, she asked a question and then just looked at him. Chop looked at Danny.

"She's the most beautiful girl in the world. And one time she gave me a black eye." Danny nodded looking at the duck.

"Alright." Chop answered unsure what to make of Danny's words.

"We went to the duck pond. She drew this for me just before she went into hospital." Chop looked at the duck. "It makes me calm." Danny breathed deeply. "She doesn't like to be touched." Danny said to Chop as if Chop would understand that. So Chop nodded like he did.

"Are you seeing her then?"

"Every night." Danny smiled.

_'Breathe' by Prodigy_

Finn didn't sit down. He went to the window and looked out. He'd given Rae the keys to his house, so she could go over to his place when she wanted. He was hoping she'd be there when he got home. Behind him Kester lit a cigarette and Finn took it as his cue to light one too.

_The silence is so awkward._

Finn could feel Kester just looking at him.

_I wonder if he does this to Rae?_

_I suppose he's waiting for me to talk. _

_I suppose I should. _

_I'm paying enough for this._

_What do I even say?_

Finn opened his mouth, deciding to just let the first words that came to him pop out.

"Me mum wanted to kill me."

He heard a heavy intake of cigarette smoke behind him.

"Was this in that letter you spoke of, in our session with Rae?"

Finn turned to him and considered him for a moment.

"Yes." He said softly, "how do you remember all these things when you don't write any notes?"

"Practice." He said with a smile.

"Why don't you write notes?"

"It's distracting to the patient." Kester noted the distraction Finn was using. The way he changed the topic. "And my notes could be subpoenaed by a court. I don't want the angry confessions of a trauma victim being used against them one day." He smiled, "anything you say in this room, stays in this room Finn." Kester added meaningfully. Finn sucked his bottom lip in contemplation, his eyes on Kester.

He came and sat down and watched as Kester leaned back comfortably in his chair.

"Me sister died. And me mum blamed me. And she thought about killing me. So she left." Finn bit the inside of his mouth and watched Kester's face as he considered this.

"How old were you when-"

"I were 4 or 5 when me sister died. 10 when me mum left."

Kester watched Finn's wary eyes and understood he was testing the waters as much as he was desperate for absolution.

"And how old was your sister when she died?"

"I don't know." Finn screwed up his face, trying to remember, "the letter said she stopped breathing. She were dead in her cot." Finn bit his bottom lip, his whole body showing his vulnerability. "I don't know if I did something to her." Kester noted how he violently pulled at the cuticle around his nails; a form of self-harm, how his body was shaking with fear and grief, "I don't know… If… I killed her." His eyes looked up, pleading with Kester. "Did I kill my sister?" He asked distraughtly.

Kester got up and went to his book shelf.

"What was your sister's name?" He asked as he pulled a book down, opened it up and searched through it.

"Grace." Finn answered, his insides feeling numb and terrified at the same time.

Kester sat down as he found the page he was after. He looked up at Finn with deep compassion.

"It sounds like Grace may have died from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome." Kester held the book out to Finn, who took it and looked down at the paragraph, reading it carefully, slowly.

_Sudden death of an infant, typically younger than a year old…_

Finn scanned the sentence again and then continued.

_No previous medical history, remains unexplained after autopsy…_

He looked up at Kester momentarily and then back down to the book.

_Is also called cot death, because infants are at highest risk from SIDS when sleeping. Most commonly, the child is found dead in their cot, having no signs of illness or struggle. _

"30,000 deaths a year globally." Finn murmured, shocked.

_Families require a high level of emotional and psychological support after the death of a child to SIDS, due to the unexpected and unexplained nature of the death, as well as the medical inquiry that follows. _

Finn saw a drop of water hit the page and realised he was crying. He wiped at his face unconsciously and re-read the passage.

_Risk factors associated with SIDS are: exposure to tobacco smoke, lose bedding, sleeping in with parents, placing a baby to sleep on their stomachs…_

He read it again, his eyes focussing on one particular risk factor associated with SIDS.

His mind went back to his own baby photos and he felt something twist into place inside of him.

_There's so many photos of me sleeping as littlie on me tummy._

_This book says that… that that can make a baby die. _

_Is that what killed Gracie?_

_But why didn't it kill me too then?_

_Why her?_

_But… but if it were SIDS… then it really weren't my fault?_

Finn's eyes snapped up to Kester.

"It weren't me?" He pleaded, barely able to believe it.

"It wasn't your fault." Kester said with the authority of medical academia to back him up. Finn's eyes dropped back down to the book and re-read the paragraph, his fingers tracing over the risk factors.

"You can borrow that book." He said softly and Finn nodded gratefully. "Bring it back next session." Kester tugged at his ear and leaned forward.

"What do you remember about your sister?"

"Nothing really." Finn shook his head, "how could I forget her?"

"Studies indicate that an only child remembers their childhood much less than a child with siblings. Why do you suppose that is?"

Finn shrugged. He was an 'only child' and he remembered loads of things from his childhood. Like the time he and Archie got in trouble for throwing water bombs when one hit Archie's mum on the arse. Or the time that Archie got stuck up a tree and Finn decided to leave him there cos Archie had been making fun of his teeth.

"Shared memories." Finn suddenly understood. All his childhood memories were ones that he had shared with other people, because they talked about them; reminisced.

"That's right." Kester said with a satisfied grin; he had gauged Finn correctly. "If no one shared memories of Grace with you, it was inevitable that she would fade away. I take it your parents didn't talk to you about her then?"

"No." Finn sighed, "No, they didn't say a word. There's not even pictures of her around." Finn's anger started to rise. "Why would they just decide to forget her?" Kester noted that anger and folded his hands carefully considering what to say.

"Perhaps they wanted to protect you." He answered. "They may have wanted you to grow up free from that sorrow." Finn stared moodily at the book shelf.

"They had no right." He answered angrily.

"No." Kester agreed, "They didn't. And it's really unfair." He sympathised carefully. Finn dog eared the page in Kester's book and didn't notice the way Kester's lips thinned when he did it. He put the book in his bag carefully.

"Thanks for this." He said genuinely, but still piqued.

"That's fine." He waited for Finn to finish with his bag before continuing. "Losing a child is extremely difficult. But SIDS is particularly bad, because there's no real known cause. Your mother will have blamed herself. Your father also probably blamed himself, no doubt."

"Aye." Finn nodded his head slowly.

"Depression is very normal after the death of a child. Your mother may have been depressed on and off for years after Grace's death…" Kester retrieved another book; a huge, dusty tome. He sorted through it and opened it to a particular page again, "So she quite possibly developed depressive psychosis." He handed the book to Finn again and watched as he read it.

"Having never met your mother, I can't say with certainty that she had depressive psychosis. But it does seem likely doesn't it?" He watched Finn's head slowly nod.

"Now it seems to me Finn… that she had a moment of perfect clarity when she left you and your father." Finn looked up at Kester's face with hope. "She must have loved you very much for that clarity to pierce through her illness. There are many people with depressive psychosis who do not make such good decisions because of the way the illness affects their minds." Finn re-read the diagnostic definition of depressive psychosis. "Imagine her horror and misery at being forced to leave you because of the delusions in her mind. What a strong lady… and a loving mother… she really is." Finn sniffed hard and wiped his face again. He took a deep painful breath as he put the diagnostic manual down.

"You're pretty good at this stuff." His voice was ragged with emotion. "I can see why Rae likes you." Kester scoffed silently and shook his head as Finn looked over the diagnostic manual on the table again.

"Have a glass of water." Kester offered, "and then we'll talk about something else for a bit. We can re-visit your mother next week." Finn nodded and headed out to the reception area where there was a huge chilled water fountain and plastic cups available.

He was glad to have a moment away from Kester, he needed a minute to just let everything settle in his mind. He drank a whole cup of water in one long swig and then filled it up again.

_Sudden Infant Death Syndrome._

_Depressive Psychosis._

His mind mulled over the terms slowly; his insides aching less and less as the probable reality of what happened to Grace and his mother really sunk through his whole being.

He didn't want to wait outside for too long. He was actually really eager to talk about some other things with Kester now.

He took his cup and burst back through the door.

"So how do I make sure I don't fuck up like me dad did." He said before he sat down. And Kester smiled as he mulled over the question, scratching his ear thoughtfully.

"What makes you think your father fucked up?"

"Me mum had to leave. Da weren't doing nothing to help her." Finn answered authoritatively, "I don't want to make the same mistakes with Rae."

"Your mother and Rae are very different people."

"Aye." Finn nodded his head emphatically, "but me dad and me aren't."

"But Rae left you like your mother did." Kester prodded and watched the way Finn's jaw set into a hard line.

"It weren't the same."

"No explanation." Kester pushed. "No discussion."

"Aye, but it's not the same." Finn got up and paced the room agitatedly.

"You said you have a temper problem Finn." Kester's eyes watched Finn calmly as he stopped mid-pace and turned to the wall. He took a deep breath.

"I do." He turned back to Kester, "I get angry easy." He shrugged, "as you can see." He added, unimpressed with himself. He sat down with a plonk.

"What do you think triggers it?"

Finn paused and leaned back in his chair, looking at the ceiling.

"I'm worried… now don't take this the wrong way…" He looked at Kester, "but I'm worried it's Rae."

"It does appear to be." Kester agreed tentatively and he leaned forward in his chair. "Are you worried you'll hurt her?"

"No." Finn said with surety. "And yes." He added, shame filling his eyes.

"Why do you think that Rae brings this anger out in you?"

"I dunno." He shook his head uncomfortably and looked everywhere but Kester. Kester lit another cigarette.

"When was the first time you noticed feeling angry?" He furrowed his eyebrows with concern.

"Um… well first time I got real angry I were about 10. I punched me dad real hard in the chest." He scoffed, "I were too short to hit his face." He explained and leaned back in his chair. "Me dad sent me to boxing classes to get it under control; discipline, you know?"

"When you were 10?" Kester rubbed his top lip slightly as he thought about this.

"Yeah just after me mum left." Finn pulled out a cigarette, still staring at the ceiling, and lit it, "it were a bit of a rough time around then."

"Yes." Kester agreed. "And what about the first time you got angry around Rae?"

"It's kinda hard to pinpoint." Finn sucked on his cigarette, "like I got right pissed off at a bunch o' twats giving her shit, before we was together, but it weren't like this." He mused for a while, "I guess there's been lots o' little moments." He shrugged. He furrowed his eyebrows, "it really started to build when she was hanging out with Stace and there was all these rumours about her and Liam."

Kester licked his lips and narrowed his eyes slightly.

"So after she left you that first time?"

"Yeah." Finn didn't draw the link between his mother and Rae yet, but Kester let it sit with him, and let the silence draw out.

"It's been building since then" Finn sounded as if he was deep in thought, he smoked his cigarette and thought through everything that he felt. And Kester waited.

"You know, it's cos I'm scared she's gonna go again, and I can't do shit to stop it." He sat up suddenly, "Just like me da couldn't do shit to stop me ma from going. I can't help Rae! It's fucking mental illness innit? And I got no control… no power… to do anything about it!"

Kester smiled grimly as realisation washed over Finn.

"I can't help her with this." He said softly. "I have no control over whether she'll leave again. Nothing I do will change her mental illness…" He swallowed hard, "and I'm terrified." He shook his head in realisation. "I'm not angry. I'm scared." He stood up and went to the window, not wanting Kester to look at him.

Kester took a moment to let Finn sit with his thoughts.

"We talked about fear in your session with Rae."

"Yeah but that were different. That were fear for her." He mulled it over, "It were fear of losing her too I s'pose." He conceded and put his hands on the window sill and stared out, "but this is also that fear of not being enough for her." He struggled to find the words, "and… and I'm getting angry about it."

Kester waited silently as he sorted through his feelings.

"You know with every girl I ever been with, they treated me like I were so much better than them. I guess I started to believe it. Cos with Rae," He looked at Kester, "She's so much better than me. And I don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to handle her." He looked out of the window again. "It's about power." He said softly. "She's got all the power." He started to speed up as his mind spewed all these thoughts at him, "I can't do anything. I'm at her mercy. And I don't always understand her. And I love her so much that I'll stay on me knees forever if that's what it takes…" he shook his head, "I'm just not used to… being so powerless." He paused, feeling dirty, "And it's not just that she's better than me, or that she could leave me at any time. It's that I can't help her mind either."

"Finn, do you think that what happened with Olivia was an attempt to take back power?" Finn turned his mouth down in distaste.

"I dunno." He plopped his head against the window despondently, "am I that much of a fucking twat?"

"What was Olivia like to be with?"

"She were nice." Finn shrugged, his forehead on the window, his eyes watching a sparrow in the tree outside. "She thought I were real pretty." He smiled cynically. "She liked telling her friends she were fucking a teenager." He took a deep breath, "she were easy." His voice was low and thoughtful.

"And Rae is difficult?"

"In some ways." Finn answered honestly, "but I like that about her. It makes me crazy." He grinned.

"Did Olivia make you feel in control, like you had power in the relationship?" Kester leaned forward and watched Finn closely.

"Yeah." He furrowed his brows. "Mostly cos I could do whatever I wanted to her in the sack and she were fine with it." He frowned angrily at himself, "but she were all about how things looked to the outside world, you know? Being sophisticated and having the perfect relationship." Finn shook his head, "it were too much you know?" He ran his fingers along the sill, "but you know, if I had of stayed with her… I would have ended up with complete power in that relationship. She were that kind of girl. She wanted a strong man to be in charge."

"Seems like a lot for a 17 year old." Kester said gravely.

"Not as much as Rae is." He smiled sadly. "Rae is so easy because I love her, and I'll do whatever it takes. But she's much harder than anyone else is cos… I don't know what it'll take, and I don't know what to do… and I don't know if I'm enough… I feel powerless and helpless. And it makes me angry… cos I don't want'a let her down. I don't want her to hurt anymore."

"No matter what you do, there will be things that hurt Rae. That's just this world." Kester sat back in his chair, worried that Finn might be too obsessed with Rae.

"I know. But I don't want to be one of them." Finn's mind flashed back to the argument they had, the way he'd hurt her; she'd had to defend herself against his anger.

"I don't know what to do Kester. That's why I'm angry." He looked back out the window. "I'm so lost." He shook his head, "And I just want to be perfect for her." He felt a tear slip down his cheek, "and I'm failing." He turned to Kester, "What can I do for her What do I do?"

"What about what you can do for yourself?"

"Fuck me, I want'a get it right for Rae." Kester considered his response and decided that this was another topic to address later.

"There are several things you can do for Rae." Kester said gently, "you're doing one of them right now." Finn dropped his eyes to the floor, "You did a good thing for her starting the joint therapy sessions, and coming here yourself." Finn nodded in response. "You need to help create the circumstances; the conditions that she needs in order to get well. But only she can take the path to recovery." Kester finished as Finn looked back out the window. It was a long time before he spoke.

"It's like we're walking a path together right?" He said and turned his eyes back to Kester, "and she gotta walk it herself, I can't carry her… but if there's logs and shit in her way – I can move 'em?" Finn clarified.

"That's a decent metaphor." Kester nodded. "But you have to make sure you take care of yourself too."

"Aye." Finn sat back down, "gotta keep me strength up for all them tree trunks." He grinned and Kester felt himself smile in response.

"It is a lot of pressure on you Finn." Kester said delicately, "and you're a young man…"

"And I'm gonna fuck up sometimes." Finn nodded, "I know. But it's how you handle the fuck ups that matter."

"That's very true." Kester said warmly, "but I was going to suggest that it might be too much for you when you're so young."

"Maybe." Finn shrugged. "But I don't think so, cos it's Rae. So really, I got no choice. Cos she me girl."

Kester considered this for a moment. He knew he should tell Finn that there's always choice, but he also knew that perhaps that were best saved for another session.

"So how are you feeling right now?" Kester wanted to move him into a positive mindset before ending the session.

"I feel… I dunno… like I got a purpose… like I know what to do now."

"That's good." Kester replied, "but therapy is still-"

"Necessary. I know." Finn smiled at him. "Stuff don't just go away. It takes work. Rae taught me that." Kester seized upon this.

"Tell me three things about Rae that make you happy, or things that you like."

"Only three?" He laughed. "Alright well… I like watching her grow more confident. It makes me happy thinking that it's cos we're growing closer and she trusts me." He bit his bottom lip and grinned, "I like that she think she know more 'bout music than me and she'll fight me to the death about it. My stubborn girl." Kester smiled as Finn's face lit up, "I like the way she looks in the morning when I wake up next to her. You know, with her hair all crazy and her eyes full of sleep and her morning breath… all of it. It makes me happy that I got to sleep next to her."

"And where do you see yourself being in 5 years time?" Kester asked, "If everything goes as you want it to?"

Finn narrowed his eyes in thought.

"We'll have a little flat in London, and she'll be writing, cos she loves writing. And we'll have a radio show together, that only plays good stuff. And I'll probably be doing some work with Chop too. And we'll be engaged." He bit his bottom lip. "And we'll still be happy."

_'Eye' by Smashing Pumpkins_

Rae let herself in timidly.

"Hello?" She called, but there was no reply. She closed the door behind her and made a beeline for Finn's bedroom.

She was about 30 minutes early because she wanted to be waiting naked on his bed for him.

She opened his door and was hit by the smell of him, it permeated the air in here. She smiled and closed the door behind her.

She put her bag on the floor and looked around his room. Finn had two desks in his room, one which held all his crap, and the other one he was supposed to use to study at. All the items from his studying desk still laid on the floor from the other day, although they had been brushed up into the corner to keep them out of the way.

She went over to the desk that held all his crap and looked at the books he had strewn across it. She'd never really looked at this desk, it was over in the far corner of his large room.

She looked over the top of the desk at the mess, there were several 'learning to draw' books, she smiled when she pulled out a sheet of paper with a series of improving eyes drawn on it. The last one looked quite a lot like her own eyes.

"So this is what you're doing in your free periods Finley." She muttered and put the piece of paper down with a happy grin.

She moved around some paper, several pieces of sheet music and a pile of books with an old battered looking book on top caught her eye. It was a book about women's bodies. She picked it up with trepidation, confusion and amusement.

She turned to the first dog-eared page to see a diagram of the vagina. A smile crept across her face and she sat at his desk feeling laughter rising up her chest. She turned to the next dog-eared page; the reproductive cycle. She turned to the front of the book. It was a school book.

_So this is the book they give the boys at school?_

_They never gave us a book about boy's bits!_

She turned to the next dog-eared page and saw that there was a section about stretch marks on the page.

"Striae." She said as she read the passage, "occur when the skin tears as the result of rapid stretching of the dermis. Associated with rapid growth, excessive weight gain, pregnancy…" Rae stopped reading and put the book down.

He'd asked her what those marks were on her stomach, and then he'd read up on it.

She didn't know how to feel about that.

_Excessive weight gain._

_Excessive. Weight. Gain._

She picked the book up again and turned to the next dog eared section.

"Appropriate female diet?" She asked the empty room incredulously. She read it with a furrowed brow.

_I don't eat like this._

_Who the hell has half a fucking grapefruit for breakfast?_

_No one, that's fucking who!_

Finn had never said a word about what she ate, other than when he was worried that she wasn't eating enough. She flipped forward to the next dog eared page

It was a whole chapter dedicated to understanding the female mind. Rae started to laugh as she read through it.

"No wonder boys are so fucking clueless!" She laughed. "Evolution has made women reliant on men to be the leaders, the strength of the tribal unit, the providers." She started to laugh again as she flipped back to the front of book and checked the date of publication.

"1962. Right!" She laughed. She flipped back to the reproductive cycle information. It was so woefully inadequate. She shook her head and thought back to what Elsa had said about why teenagers got pregnant. This book had to be one of the main reasons. The section on contraception in it was awful.

She flipped forward to the last dog eared page. It was about how to have sex. She shook her head and looked up at his desk to see what the books were that had been under this one.

"The new joy of sex." She chuckled and looked at the cover, a library book from Stamford council library; months overdue. She realised with a slight twang that he had gotten these out when they had first started dating. She flicked through the book, her mouth open at the detailed drawings of sexual positions, clothing, oral sex… her eyes stopped on a picture with a man tied up, the woman grasping his penis firmly; it was under the heading 'slow masturbation.' She read the whole page with a growing, devious grin. She put the book down and looked back up at the pile

"The fucking Kama Sutra, are you fucking kidding me?" She chuckled as she opened it up. It was filled with pornographic images of sexual positions she'd never even dreamed of. She found herself tilting her head sideways as she looked at one particularly tricky looking position, she read part of the text, a section concerning striking and the sounds associated with them. Rae felt her eyes opening wider as she flicked through the book. She looked back on the pile. She picked up the next one and opened it without looking at the title; the first page she opened was about cunnilingus. She felt a dirty smile creeping across her face.

"Did your research boy." She laughed as she noticed several dog eared pages in this book. There were another four books in the pile and she saw that all of them had dog eared pages. She shook her head. Put the books back and moved the papers around again to make it look like she'd never looked at his desk. The sheet music caught her eye; he was writing his own music it seemed. She looked at the meaningless squiggles drawn on the sheet music; she recognised some of the symbols and smiled as she traced her fingers over them.

_I wonder what this sounds like._

She looked at the other pieces of sheet music. She saw a date scrawled on them; he'd started writing this in the summer holidays, but she wondered if he had been planning on using it for an assignment for music class before he dropped it because so much work had been done on it. There were a few snatches of phrases of ideas that he had apparently been meaning to turn into lyrics, scrawled across the back of the sheet she was holding. She read them, curious.

'The sky is always different. If you don't look closely you don't notice the changes. The sun warms me and the blues are always different, how I marvel at the different hues of just one colour. Every day I gaze at the sky and see it's ever changing beauty.' There was something blotted out with liquid paper next to that.

'I want too much' this one was crossed out and then re-written as if he had thought better of it.

'The sun looks like a tiny candle flame in comparison.' He had underlined this one. Rae looked at the back of the other sheets and found similar scrawling on all of them; all meant to be eventually forged into a song, no doubt.

'How her venom bites.' He'd drawn a little cobra next to this and she smiled before moving down to the next one.

'To touch ivory' next to this he had scrawled a few individual words; 'forbidden', 'illegal?' 'Criminal'. He had underlined criminal and Rae felt her lips turning up at the corners. She looked back over his other musings. Was this about her? Her eyes shot back up to the venom statement and realised he had been writing this before they got together.

'But it is that simple. There is no complexity. Your voice changes space and time.'

'Darkened space, so close to everything I wanted. So far from ever having it.' He had re-written this one a few times.

Rae moved on to the next sheet. She had obviously gotten them out of order.

'Cherry lips.' Crossed out with an angry jabbing line.

'Why won't you look at me like I look at you?'

'FUCK.' Written in angry frustrated strokes. She smiled, understanding he was struggling to get the words down

'I see the way you look at him.' Crossed out again.

'Sun going down, moon rising. These orbs control our lives. We rotate around one, and the other rotates around us. Celestial movements that change life.' He had angrily crossed out something next to this so vehemently that Rae couldn't read it.

'Sometimes I wish I'd never given you that fucking 20p.' It was about her. She kept reading.

'My mind won't stop. It won't let you leave my dreams. But in waking I say nothing. I do nothing. I become nothing in your presence.' Rae felt an ache in her heart for him.

'If I could speak like him, would you look at me?' Rae moved on to the next page.

'Tracing patterns into words. If only I could say what I wanted to.' He'd written a note to himself next to this: 'make it poetry Finley.' She laughed softly and traced her fingers along the words.

'You still visit my dreams. Only now I touch you, my fingers finding secret places on your soft skin. Your voice caressing me, your smile sinking me deeper.' There were quite a few scratched out lines on this page. Rae looked around the desk and found more pages filled with this huge lopsided scrawl, a few lines taking up each page. But it seemed deliberate, as if each page was a different part of his journey.

'Dark tumbling down over my soul.' And a big 'NO' written next to that.

'The Amazons would shake and quake in your presence love. The mightiest warriors would kiss your feet and beg for mercy. I beg for mercy.'

The door opened and Rae looked up guiltily. Finn smiled at her and then shook his head embarrassed.

"Found my teen angst?" He joked.

"I'm sorry."

"Keep reading it if you want." He shrugged and kicked his shoes off. "I started writing it in summer break. Couldn't stop myself, had to write something down. Figured I could turn it into a song for music composition." He walked over and picked up a sheet. "Pretty shite at the lyrics but I'd never written anything afore, so…" He shrugged. "But the music is pretty sound." He turned it over and looked at the sheet music. "I was gonna ask Macca for help in words, he's a right good lyricist, even if he is a bit of a dick. But you know. I left." He smiled. "Glad not all of me writing is on the desk." He pulled an embarrassed face. He looked back down at his scrawling, " 'A junkie couldn't ache this much' " He shook his head, "if you think that's bad, you should see what I wrote when you broke up with me."

"I had no idea you were a poet!"

"Hardly." He laughed. "Just write shite down." He looked down at it and shook his head, "badly." He smiled "Finn Nelson, purveyor of crap poetry."

"Some of this could be worked into something real good." Rae took the sheet of paper Finn was holding and read the second line " 'I know intimately ever curve of your body, the taste of your kiss, the way you gasp when I enter you. But I have never touched you. I have never smelled your skin when making love, have never tasted your sweet honey.' Sweet honey?" She raised her eyebrows at him.

"Aye I did mean your cunt." He grinned and sat on the floor, leaning his back against the desk.

"You wrote these before we got together?" Finn nodded in reply. Rae looked back down at the sheet; " 'The ocean at night time, I can see no land.' " She looked at him as he fidgeted with his fingers.

"Having a crush on you were like equal parts bliss and misery." He grinned at her. She put the papers down and sat on the floor with him.

"Can't believe you had a crush on me."

"Can't believe that you can't believe it." He replied and she kissed him sexually. When she stopped Finn gave her an impressed look. "I think I need to write crap poetry more often." His look turned sexual, his eyes travelling down her body.

"How was Kester?"

"Terrifying!" He answered with a laugh. "Illuminating." He added. "Exhausting." He finished. She straddled him and his hands went to her arse; lifting up her skirt.

"Sounds like Kester." She said as she settled down on top of him. She kissed his forehead, "D'you want'a talk about it? It's fine if you don't."

"I will talk about it." He nodded slowly, "but not right now." He looked in her eyes, willing her to understand, "I just need time with it. Is that ok?"

"Of course it's ok!" She kissed his nose and he smiled, "you never have to tell me what happens in therapy if you don't want'a. That's the point of therapy: it's all yours." She reached up to the table and picked up a piece of paper, he grinned as she read it out loud to him.

" 'I weren't asleep. But there was so much I wanted to say I closed my eyes to stop myself from vomiting out things you didn't want to hear, things I were afraid to tell you, things that stuck in my throat, things I'd never say right anyway.' " She looked up at him and kissed his lips. "This at the sexy party?" He nodded. "Tell me what you wanted to say?" She asked with a sly smile.

"I wanted to tell you that you was beautiful. And that I wanted to be with you. Would you please let me be with you?" He looked down for a moment, "I wanted to tell you that your voice is music to me, better than all the CDs I got." His hands touched the skin on her arms reverently, "I wanted to ask you to let me touch you." His face lit up, "I get to touch you now." He said with real joy. "I wanted to tell you that I were falling for you. And I didn't know how to stop. And since you thought I was a right prick, I wanted to stop. But I didn't think I could, and could you give me another chance. I'd do better this time." Finn bit his bottom lip, "I wanted to tell you Archie were gay, so you'd stop liking him and maybe you'd like me. That's a pretty shit innit?" He smiled grimly, "not a good friend moment for me: out your best mate so the girl you like will stop liking him and maybe like you instead."

"I already knew Archie were gay."

"Then why d'you kiss him at the rave?" Finn sked, an old hurt resurfacing.

"You saw that?" Finn lowered his eyes and nodded curtly. "He kissed me." Rae said, "Cos he said if I were a bloke he'd shag me. We were just mates. It were nothing."

"What about all the times you dragged him off to talk and stuff?"

"Asking him about his gay conquests." Rae answered with a grin and Finn's brows creased.

"I were right jealous of him. I hated him a bit. And he's me best mate." He shook his head.

"Well I hated Chloe after you kissed her."

"She kissed me. And I were pretty high. I hadn't dropped any pills cos I had a whole plan of how I was gonna try and get it with you." He scoffed, "when I saw you and Archie kissing, I got some of Chop and was off my face for the rest of it. I remember trying to find you but, and getting really grumpy after a bit, when I couldn't." He smiled, "I wanted the debrief after, cos I wanted to hear what you did with Archie, where you'd gone… who you'd done. And why you didn't come back to mine after, like you were s'posed to." He looked pained, "you wouldn't even look at me. I hated it."

"Cos Chloe said you two was gonna date." Finn scoffed loudly in reply.

"That were never an option. I never thought of Chloe like that."

"We have got so many weird things in our past Finn." She said in a strange kind of awe, "How did we ever end up together!"

"Fate." He grinned.

They kissed and Rae, wanting to retire to the bed started to try to get up. Finn pulled her back to him, hungry for her mouth and her knee slipped hard into him. She heard a load groan of pain and Finn stopped kissing her and looked down, his hands going to his groin.

"Oh fuck." Rae realised she'd just kneed him in the nuts. She got off him hurriedly and he curled up on the floor groaning in pain.

"Oh my god Finn! I'm so sorry!" She said and put her hand on his arm.

"Sssshhhh!" He said shakily and kept his eyes closed, his hands cupping himself through his pants.

"What can I do?"

"Just be quiet a minute." He managed to force the words out through clenched teeth; a painful groan followed them. She knelt beside him silently, one hand touching his arm. She tried to stay as still as she could, not knowing what to do. She saw him taking some deep slow breaths and he carefully, gradually sat up. He looked at her face, frozen in horror, watching him silently.

"Alright." He said with effort, his hands still around his balls.

"Oh my god are you alright? I'm so sorry!" The words tumbled from her mouth immediately.

"It's alright." He panted, "I've had worse."

"I'm so sorry!"

"My fault." He shook his head, "can you get me water?" He asked and he rolled back onto the floor the minute she left the room.

He had managed to sit himself back up when she returned from downstairs with two glasses of iced water and an apologetic look on her face.

"Much better now." He managed a grin, "thanks." He took the water and took several small sips.

"What can I do?"

"Not do that again." He gave a soft chuckle.

"I'm so sorry."

"No look Rae, it's alright, really. I've had much worse playing football."

"Why the hell are they so fucking fragile?" She asked, still worried. Finn shook his head in response. "What does it feel like?" Finn repressed the urge to roll his eyes in painful misery.

"Well." He said patiently, "it's like an intense ache from the balls that creeps up to your tummy and down to your legs." He smiled ruefully, "and your whole body feels like it's on fire. Even your arms feel like they're burning. And if it's real bad you feel like you might puke. And sometimes you do."

"Have you…?"

"Puked?" He clarified and Rae nodded, "a couple of times." He shrugged, "I play a lot o' sport." He looked at her wide eyes, filled with compassion, worry… curiosity. Of course. He sighed internally and gave her what she wanted. "One time I forgot me box at cricket. And I thought, 'eh, what's the worst that can happen?' " He watched Rae's mouth open in horror of what was coming, "I were so fucking glad that bowler weren't a fast bowler!" He laughed, "would have fucking shattered me nuts." He grinned at her facial expression, enjoying how horrified she was.

"Testicles are a stupid idea."

"I'll take them over periods any day." He nodded. "I get knocked in the nuts, at most a couple o' times a year. How often d'you get cramps?" She made a noise that implied she agreed with him. He got up and sat on the bed, taking his jacket off on the way. She walked over and stood in front of him.

"Can you play your song for me?" She asked curiously and he grinned reluctantly.

"Alright." He mumbled and leaned over the bottom of the bed, pulling up the acoustic guitar. He checked the tuning softly, self-consciously while she sat down and turned to look at him. He paused for a moment and then started to pick out gentle tune. After a while he hummed a bittersweet, aching countermelody over the top. Rae's mouth slowly opened in awe.

It was beautiful.

Filled with hope and sadness.

When he finished he scrunched up his face.

"Haven't finished it." He explained. "It needs a proper ending."

"It's beautiful."

"Told you the music was sound." He grinned, "But the lyrics." He shrugged and pulled a face.

"You got a nice voice."

"Oh?' He laughed, "I were just humming the vocal arrangement. If I put words to it, I bet I'd sound right shit."

"Not a chance." She shook her head and he leaned over to put the guitar away.

He laid down on the bed and smiled up at her as she sat on the edge, looking down at him.

"Are your balls better now?"

"Much better." He shook his head, and laughed.

"Want me to kiss them even better?" She asked, simultaneously seductive and genuine.

"Oh Miss Earl." Finn pulled towards him, "how do you even exist? You're far too perfect." He kissed her and let his hands make their familiar journey down her body. His body still sung; was still filled with nerves as if he'd never done this before, his fingers shaking as he lifted up her skirt; so familiar, he did it every chance he got. But still, it was like the first time he'd ever done it.

Their kissing took on a particularly heated tone and he slowly removed her clothing, enjoying every small reveal of her body. She started to kiss his neck and he sat up to get his shirt off. She kissed down his chest and he watched intently as she got to his belt and slowly undid it her lips centimetres away from him, her breath cooling the skin on his lower stomach.

_I love how hungry he looks. Like he could devour me. _

_But it'll be me devouring him._

She gave him an impish smile and unzipped his jeans with her teeth.

"You sexy minx." He whispered watching every move she made. He helped her slip his jeans off and watched as she licked his lower stomach. He raised his hands above his head again, and felt the tension growing as she drew it out. She spent a good long time licking and gently sucking his balls, he groaned the whole time, his appreciation, slowly building to yearning frustration.

He wasn't going to beg this time. This time he'd wait as long as she wanted to make him wait.

She kissed along his lower obliques and he felt his body tingling as she explored this new territory.

"That tickles." He murmured and she bit him gently in response. He laughed and sighed with pleasure at the same time.

"How long to make you wait." She mused before licking down his snail trail.

"As long as you want Miss Earl." He answered smuttily.

"Well," she whispered as she took his cock into her hand, "you have had a lot of trauma today."

"That is true." He nodded seriously.

She took him into her mouth in way of response, and he sighed appreciatively.

He watched her for a long time, lost in the way she looked as she licked and sucked his cock; exploring, experimenting, trying to see what he liked.

He motioned for her to climb on top and she did happily.

_I never thought I'd climb on top of Finn Nelson. _

_The view he must get! _

_Oh god!_

_This is a bad idea!_

She looked down at his face, his eyes focussing on her breasts, his hands finding her hips; pulling and pushing her pelvis to grind into him. She stopped worrying and starting to thrust her hips, her insides feeling more sensitive than ever.

Finn licked his fingers and reached down to gently flick her clitoris. She groaned loudly and arched her back lavishly. She leaned back, grabbing hold of his thighs behind her and thrusting her chest and stomach forward.

"Louder." He encouraged her and she obliged, her moaning reverberating off his walls, "that feel good?" He asked as he stopped flicking and started to rapidly rub her.

"YES!" She cried loudly. His hand happily found its way from her hip to her breast and squeezed it hard, his fingers pulling at the nipple and she groaned louder still.

"Louder!" He ordered this time.

"FUCK FINN YES!" She came loudly and he groaned in appreciation. As soon as she finished he pushed her off and positioned her on her back; he'd been getting stronger; every morning before he left Rae's house he did 40 push ups, and when he got home he'd hit up his dad's weights, so he could get better at lifting her and moving her around like this.

He slipped into her hard, fast and fucked her.

"Scream for me." His eyes were alight as she threw he head back and groaned loudly. He kissed her neck, biting her hard so that she cried out and enjoying the clawing on his back it earned him. She kissed him with an almost vitriolic venom and he returned it.

"Harder." She ordered him and he obliged, the bedhead slamming into the wall. She gasped loudly with each thrust and Finn grabbed the bed head to use it for leverage as he tried to go harder for her.

With his other hand he reached down and found her clitoris again, he started to rub it frantically.

"You're so fucking wet!" He marvelled and she groaned loudly, reaching up to grab the bedhead and wrapping a leg around his waist.

He felt himself getting close, but focussed on kissing her, trying to take his focus off how it felt to be sliding in and out of her. He wanted her to come again. The moment her cries reach that particular pitch that mean she was about to come he focussed all of his attention on the sensations in his cock and came spectacularly, moaning loudly, while Rae's body shuddered beneath him. He collapsed, his hand still between them, his fingers still gently caressing her clitoris. He panted, his face in her neck.

"You're fucking amazing." He whispered to her, "and so unbelievably sexy." He kissed her gently and she rolled her head back, closing her eyes happily. He started to carefully position himself beside her and as he pulled his hand out from between them he was struck by a flash of red. His eyebrows creased and he held up his hand and looked at it. It was covered in blood. He pulled back from her quickly and looked down at her, at himself. His groin and penis were covered in blood, the sheets between her thighs red and wet.

"Oh my god." He breathed, fear gripping at him, "what did I do to you?" He leapt off the bed and put his hand on her inner thigh. "Rae, are you ok?" He asked frantically as she opened her eyes, realising something was wrong. She looked at him, standing there with one hand covered in blood, his lower stomach… his cock… and fear in his eyes. She jumped up and looked down at the bed and Finn tried to hold onto her as if she might collapse.

"Oh fuck." She whispered, mortified.

"What do we do?" He asked worried.

"It's nothing Finn." She turned to his frantic face, "it's me period. I'm sorry that-"

"Your period?" He asked bewildered. His eyes turned back to the bed and then to her, "you bleed that much every month?"

"Um… yeah." She could feel the wetness between her legs that sex and orgasms had hidden from her before.

"It must have started when you was on top." She explained and started to pull the sheets from the bed. "I hope I didn't bleed through to the mattress." She fretted, embarrassed as hell, but not wanting to make a big deal about it, since Finn was struggling enough as it was. She felt her face burning as she looked at the stain on the bed.

"I'm sorry." She said softly as they both looked at it.

"You need to stop doing stuff." Finn ordered. "Are you strong enough to shower?" He asked her earnestly and she looked incredulous at him.

"You what?"

"That's a lot of blood Rae!" He took the sheets from her. She shook her head at him.

"I'm fine." She soothed as she went to her bag and retrieved a pad. She grabbed her clothes and went to the door.

"Hello?" She called downstairs. No sound. She flitted as fast as she could to the shower, Finn following.

They showered, Finn looking at her with concern, but not daring to touch her it seemed. She was mortified and with each passing moment she felt more and more embarrassed.

"I'm sorry about your bed." She said quietly. Finn looked down at the blood washing down the drain and then back up at her.

"I'll turn the mattress over. No big deal." He shrugged and his eyes again strayed to the blood washing off his own skin, staining the water on the floor of the shower pink. He looked like he wanted to say something.

"I'm sorry." She repeated. "It didn't gross you out?"

"No." He said softly. "I mean it's a lot of blood though. Are you sure you're alright?"

"Yeah. I got like 5 days of it!" She tried to joke but his eyebrows furrowed deeply and he looked down at the floor again. "Have you got any questions?" She tried to stop herself from thinking about the stained sheets and the horror on his face when he'd seen the blood everywhere.

"You're sure I didn't do that to you?"

"I were 2 weeks overdue Finn. It's me period. Plus you know, me boobs are swollen, and I'm getting that familiar cramping." She smiled grimly.

"So it hurts?"

"Well yeah. But not like a cut or something." She frowned in thought, "it's like a dull ache. And sometimes it throbs. And sometimes it's quite sharp I suppose." She massaged her lower back. This period was clearly setting out to be fun. Finn's face was a mask of abject horror.

"Can I do anything to help?"

"Not really. Heat helps." She nodded at the hot water tap and he turned the temperature up as hot as he could handle, and when he saw her enjoying it, he turned it up a little more, watching his skin turn red and her angling herself to get the heat on her lower back.

He hadn't allowed her to go back and look at the bed or the sheets. He'd just walked her downstairs. He ran back upstairs and grabbed all of her things while she had stood having an awkward conversation with Gary, who had just gotten home.

He had driven her home and walked her up to her room, carrying everything and made sure she got into her pyjamas and got into bed. He had gone downstairs and gotten some leftovers for her to have, bringing them up to her on a plate, her mum and Karim were in Aiesha's room and hadn't heard them come in. He watched her eat, said nothing other than to reply to her questions. When she'd finished eating he kissed her deeply. He took her plate and walked to the door.

"I'll come pick you up tomorrow morning." He said softly, "get some rest." He ordered gently before turning off the light and closing the door.

She kept waiting for him to come back, for him to climb through the window. But she heard the car start, heard it drive away, heard the deafening silence after.

It was the first night they'd spent apart since they'd gotten back together.

_'Get Me' by Dinosaur Jr_

"Why the fucking fuck are we here at 6am?" Chop moaned as he put on gloves.

"Best time to get us all together." Archie replied as he took the pads up and stood opposite Chop. Finn stood yawning and watching on, thoroughly unimpressed. He sat down and watched as Chop punched the pads hard. Archie doing an admirable job of barely holding on.

"And what the fuck's wrong with you?" Chop looked at Finn with disgust.

"Tired."

"Stop fucking Raemundo for two minutes and get some fucking sleep." Chop answered with no sympathy.

"I tried that last night." He grinned. "Didn't work." He flopped back onto the floor and looked up at the ceiling. He'd barely slept a wink last night. He'd spent most of it thinking everything over.

"You guys didn't argue again did you?" Archie asked as he and Chop swapped gloves and pads.

"No." Finn grunted at the ceiling.

"So why d'you…?' Archie asked, still worried.

"Oh, she on it." Finn shrugged.

"Oh." Chop pulled a face and held the pads.

"Oh right." Archie lined up his fist the way Tom had taught him and punched Chop's pads as hard as he could.

"Fucking Archer's got a punch!" Chop celebrated, completely taken by surprise. "Alright then, give us some more."

Finn continued stared at the ceiling, uninterested in boxing, as Archie grunted with the effort of punching the pads as hard as he could. He'd gone home last night and cleaned his sheets, soaked up the excess blood from his mattress before turning it over carefully and remaking the bed with fresh sheets. He climbed into his bed, and he'd thought. About everything that had happened that day.

Eventually Chop made him get up.

"Right, so what sort o' things can we teach the girls?" He asked them earnestly.

"I think we start basic." Archie said, "Proper fist and wrist alignment." Chop nodded his head.

"Good idea, I broke my hand the first time I punched someone." Chop grinned.

"Basic self-defence stuff." Finn muttered, "best places to hit and why." Chop grabbed a pen and paper from the bag he'd brought with him. He wrote down Archie's and Finn's suggestions.

"Show me the best places." Archie said and Finn pointed at his eyes, nose, ears, throat, balls and kneecaps without any need to explain why.

"We'll probably need to do something about how to hit those places." Chop added.

"Well it's obvious isn't it?" Archie said. "It'll depend on height and situation?" He added.

"So we need to get them on kicking as well as punching." Chop mused as if this answered Archie's question.

"We need to teach 'em how to use weight advantages or disadvantages to their benefit." Finn yawned and leaned against the wall.

Chop scribbled down everything Finn said as he continued to list off things.

"How to break out of basic holds. How to break restraints. How to use common items to inflict maximum damage. Using your knees and elbows and head. Yelling out 'fire' also helps." He finished, his brain unwilling to do anymore work for now.

"Have you actually done a self-defence class or something?" Chop asked.

"Nah, but I been boxing and fighting down here for over 7 years." He shrugged.

"And fighting?" Archie asked.

"They don't just teach boxing here." Finn replied.

"How long have you been coming Chop?"

"3 years." Chop answered.

"So you two have been coming here for years and neither of you ended up gay?" Archie asked. Chop and Finn looked at him confused. "This is quite possibly one of the most homoerotic places I've ever seen. Besides a gay porno." Archie shrugged, "but even some of them don't come close to this…" Chop looked around the centre.

"I don't see it Archer." Chop said, his eyes trying to take everything in. Finn looked over at an instructor yelling 'harder' at a kid who was hitting the bag, the strain making sweat glisten on his skin. He shrugged.

"I'm with Chop. Sorry mate."

"You two are so straight." He shook his head.

"Aye." Finn laughed. "Proof you can't turn 'em." He picked up the gloves and Chop held out the pads. Finn punched them hard and Chop ended up backing up and holding his hands up in mercy.

"Fucking hell, cunt!" Chop said angrily, "calm the fuck down!" Finn used his teeth to take off the gloves and threw them at Chop.

"Give it back." He ordered and Chop grinned.

"Alright." He laid into the pads, punching as hard as he could. Archie watched as they both groaned and sweat under the strain. He rolled his eyes.

"So straight." He shook his head, and then thought about what Finn had said, "Oi Finn, what other fighting stuff?"

"Eh, glove free." He shrugged.

"So you did street fighting?" Chop asked, impressed,

"Aye." Finn answered unaffected, "And me and Rhys mucked around trying to copy Bruce Lee as well." He grinned, "Not much good at it, but." He said with a self-conscious shrug.

"So Rhys is your instructor?" Archie asked.

"Aye, has been the whole time."

"You know Tom?" Finn nodded in reply, "I just started classes with him."

"Yeah, he's alright, he's a bit hot-headed sometimes." Finn shrugged, "I mean I only had him a couple o' times when Rhys weren't in. But he seems alright, I s'pose."

"Show us the breaking holds stuff." Chop suddenly asked.

"Alright." Finn dropped the pads while Chop used his teeth to take the gloves off. "Archie, grab Chop from behind." Archie put his arms around Chop's waist. "No, go for neck." Archie put his arm around Chop's neck, "Get a good hold, like you're trying to attack him." Archie braced himself and tightened his arms around Chop's neck.

"Try getting out of it." He told Chop, "and you keep hold o' him." Finn said to Archie.

The first thing Chop tried was elbowing Archie, but Archie could easily avoid it and Chop couldn't get enough power behind it to really harm him anyway. He tried to twist and pull Archie's arms off him, grunting with the strain. Eventually Chop began to bend over, and realised that he was onto something, and as Archie's feet left the floor, he plunged them sideways onto the floor, but Archie held on tight and Finn started laughing as Chop scrambled to escape.

"Alright!" Chop burst out, "how the fuck d'you get out of this?" Finn motioned for them to stand back up.

"You gotta use Archie's weight against him." Finn explained.

20 minutes later, Finn had taught Chop and Archie three different ways to get out of a behind hold.

"I'll feel much better when Izzy knows this stuff." Chop said as he looked up at the clock. "Gotta head fellas." He put the gloves and pads away and headed for the change room. Finn followed suit.

"Archie!" Tom called out and Archie looked back over his shoulder.

"You guys go on." He said and turned back to Tom.

"I'm thinking we should have more sessions in a week." They heard Tom saying as they turned to go.

"Yeah." Archie eagerly responded.

" 'Ere, d'reckon Archie's got it for Tom?" Chop asked as they got undressed for the showers.

"Maybe." Finn considered.

"Is Tom gay too?" Chop wondered.

"Dunno." Finn shrugged.

"You knew Archer were gay."

"Yeah cos I watched him looking at boys the whole time we was growing up!" Finn laughed, "It weren't hard to tell."

They walked into the showers; individual cubicles that covered their bodies from shoulder to knees. Finn closed the door and Chop took up residence in the cubicle beside him, even though it was missing a door. Finn watched the water going down the drain and thought of blood stained sheets and shower floors.

"Chop." He said seriously, "can I ask you something?"

"Sure." Chop looked at him, "you got shampoo?" Finn passed it over the wall to him.

"You know how you said Izzy don't like to be touched when she on it?"

"Yeah."

"Well… why?"

"It hurts." Chop shrugged. "She says her body aches." That fit with the old book the school had given him for sex education, so he knew it must be right.

"Alright." Finn mulled it over, "and…" he stopped and considered how to ask this, "and how much does she…" He bit the inside of his mouth. "How much blood is there?"

"I dunno." Chop rinsed his hair out. "Never seen it." He paused and looked over at Finn, "d'you see it?" Finn nodded his head. "Really?" Chop's eyes opened wide, "what's it like?" He seemed to be equal parts repulsed and compelled.

"I don't know how they survive it." Finn said honestly, his worry showing, "if I lost that much blood, I'd probably die."

"Fuck." Chop drew out the word, his mind clearly taking time to come to terms with this information.

"I wouldn't' want'a to be fucking touched either, now I think about it." He shook his head.

"Izzy don't even want me around most of the time. She gets right proper cranky." Chop smiled grimly, "Much better being a lad."

There was a moment of silence while they both considered this and then Chop turned to him with a cheeky grin.

"So is Rae the saucy minx we thought she'd be?"

"Aye. And more." Finn said smugly and Chop laughed.

"Worth the wait then?" Chop teased.

"Yes." Finn answered with a nod of his head, and clear admiration in his tone.

"Izzy's right good too." Finn bit his bottom lip, remembering what Rae had said about Chop not making Izzy scream.

"D'you ever worry that we're not as good as them?" Finn asked carefully.

"Nah. I mean they'd tell us right?" Chop shrugged, "Izzy always seems happy enough." He put his face under the water and Finn bit the inside of his mouth.

"Shampoo." He said and Chop passed it back to him. Finn washed his hair thoughtfully.

"Why, you not up to the task Finley?"

"No. I make her scream." He grinned satisfied with himself and Chop scoffed at him. "But you know… I always feel like… right eager to get in her you know?"

"Yeah." Chop nodded, "Izzy makes me crazy. It's like, the minute we're alone, I turn into some 14 year old schoolboy that's shaking cos o' boobs!" He laughed and Finn joined in.

"Aye me too."

"Yeah but Rae's boobs… bloody hell." Chop shook his head, "too much for one man."

"I handle 'em alright." Finn smiled smuttily and Chop made a laughing noise in the back of his throat, nodding his head appreciatively. Finn lowered his eyes, knowing he was way too pleased to be bragging about sex with Rae, but knowing he was gonna do it anyway; he and Chop used to always talk like this. He grabbed his soap and washed himself, trying to figure out if he even would talk to Chop about Izzy, and if he would; how?

"Aye I bet you do, you dirty fucker!" Chop laughed and Finn nodded cockily. "Have you fucked 'em?" Chop asked with a dirty look and Finn laughed

"The things I've done with Rae would-" Finn stopped as they saw Archie walking up. He exchanged a glance with Chop; no more vagina talk.

"I thought Chop weren't allowed to talk about Rae's lady bits anymore." Archie said, making it clear they'd been heard.

"I s'pose he can when I feel like bragging." Finn joked.

"You don't have to stop." Archie got in the shower next to Chop.

"Yeah but it's not your cup o' tea is it?' Finn shrugged, "S'alright." He lowered his eyes, "Probably better I shut up anyway."

"Speaking o' cups o' tea. That Tom's a right spoonful o' sugar." Chop said with a grin.

"Shut up." Archie blushed.

"So he's gay then?" Chop persisted.

"I dunno. But we are going out to a nightclub tonight, so maybe?"

"What about the pub?" Finn asked.

"I'm meeting him at 1 in th' morning." Archie shrugged, "Apparently that's when the good parties start." He grinned excitedly, "I hope he's not just taking me out to pick up girls." He frowned. Chop turned to grin at Finn and then turned back to Archie.

"I don't think he is." Chop said, "I'd never take a date out at that time unless I were planning on sinking the pink." He laughed at Archie's scandalised face and Finn guffawed behind him.

"Shut up!" Archie blushed furiously, "He works here!" He lowered his eyes and tried to not look too pleased.

Chop stopped his shower.

"Meet you fuckers out there." He said as he walked, completely naked, back to his gear. Archie turned back to his shower and watched Finn from the corner of his eye, wanting to speak, but not sure how to.

"Finn." Archie said softly, "can I ask why you're going to therapy?" The trepidation in his voice was clear and Finn decided it was best to just answer him honestly.

"I started it after Rae and me argued, you know? Help me speak better."

"So I weren't being a crap friend? Didn't miss anything?"

"No that's me, remember!" Finn smiled, "let's do something together this weekend, just you and me."

"What about Rae?"

"Oh, she's having some alone time. You know, cos she on it."

"Oh right." Archie laughed, "So I get to hang out with you once a month?"

"Alright, alright!" Finn conceded, "I'll make more time!" He grinned.

_'Come Undone' by Duran Duran_

Rae woke up slowly, her eyes opening and seeing the empty space beside her. She heard her mum crying in Aiesha's room and wondered if she should be worrying more about these 'weepies' she had. There was knock on the door.

"I'll get it." She called through to her mum as she grabbed her dressing gown, wrapping it around herself as she went downstairs. She noticed a box on the kitchen table, wrapped neatly, the heart shape on the top, her name written in it. She shook her head, not knowing what to feel or think about it. The door knocked again.

"Alright, I'm coming." She grumbled and headed out to the door.

She opened the door to see Finn, looking almost apologetic.

"Am I too early?" He smiled nervously. "I couldn't keep away." He seemed to apologise to her. She motioned for him to come in, he followed her gratefully, worried that she might not have wanted him around. Like Izzy with Chop.

She sat at the kitchen table and pulled the box to her. Finn's eyes rested on it and a sullen look over his face as he looked up at her.

"When did that come?" He sat down beside her. Not touching her, just in case. Rae noticed the horrible absence of his touch.

"Dunno." Rae shrugged, "it were just on the side when I came down this morning." She opened the box, Finn's eyes watching her hands.

"Chocolate again." Finn said, unimpressed, "he needs to try harder." He grinned at her and she leaned in and kissed him. Finn kept his hands off her, but his fingers twitched like crazy to touch her.

_But she aches. _

_It hurts._

_Don't make it all about your dick. _

_She being nice enough just kissing you._

Finn felt his inside aching to touch her, but controlled himself with great effort. He licked his lips when she stopped kissing him, trying to taste her on his lips.

She turned to the box of chocolates.

"This one is fancier, it's got two tiers!" She joked as she opened it up and took a chocolate out.

"You're not gonna eat that are you?"

"This is not the time to be getting between a girl and her chocolate, you understand?" She said with an unimpressed look.

"Yeah but you don't know what he's done to it."

"Probably nothing." She took a bite and Finn's brow furrowed; he tried to ignore the rising panic he felt by looking at the box closely.

"Is the second tier the same as the first?" He asked, and when she shrugged he took the top tier off to see. The minute his eyes saw what was in the second tier he dropped the first tier messily to the floor in shock and snatched the chocolate out of Rae's hand.

"What?" She asked, her mouth still filled with the first bite of chocolate. She looked down at the box and gasped.

There was a headless mother mouse, blood had oozed out over the bottom of the box. A dozen pink, hairless baby mice squirmed around, some covered in their mother's blood, some feeding off the dead body. Rae felt vomit rising in her throat and ran to the kitchen sink. Finn followed her.

"Rinse your mouth out!" He panicked. She vomited into the sink. Finn grabbed a glass and filled it with water. He held it to her lips.

"Spit it out." He ordered as soon as the water was in her mouth. She swished it around her mouth and spat it out.

"Again." He held up the glass of water, terror in his eyes, his hands shaking. Tears streamed down Rae's face as she turned and vomited again, knocking the glad from Finn's hand. It shattered as it hit the floor. He rubbed her back and reached over to grab another glass, and instantly filled it up.

"Again." He said and she nodded, took a mouthful and swished it around her mouth, spitting it out. There was a shriek behind them. Linda stood, clutching Aiesha to her chest staring at the box.

"Mum." Rae cried.

"Call an ambulance, and police." Finn snapped at Linda and she nodded, running into the lounge room to the phone. Finn turned back to Rae.

"Do you need to vomit again?"

"I dunno." She sobbed.

"More water, get it all out of your mouth.' She took another sip, swishing it carefully around her mouth. "D'you swallow any?" She shook her head and spat out the water. He stroked her hair. "You'll be fine." He said to her terrified face, "I won't let anything happen to you." He soothed. They heard sirens in the distance and he pulled her into his arms. She pulled away and took the glass from him, wanting to rinse her mouth again. Finn kept stroking her hair as she rinsed her mouth out frantically. His eyes strayed over to the box.

_That guy is dangerous. _

Paramedics marched into the room, one of them saw the box on the table and pulled a face.

"It might be poisoned, she had some." Finn said and they quickly set about to checking Rae's vital signs, asking her questions while Finn stepped back, out of their way.

Moments later the police arrived. Finn went over to speak to them while Rae was being checked out. He carefully explained everything that had happened to the police officers, who took notes and looked closely at the box.

"We'll talk to your sister now."

"She's my girlfriend." Finn corrected. He saw the police officer do a slight double take and nod curtly.

"Alright." He said as he went over to Rae. Finn gritted his teeth and looked over at the female officer as she moved the dead mouse with her gloved finger.

"Is this the first thing she's gotten?" She asked kindly.

"No she had flowers, chocolates, and a bracelet." She nodded in reply.

"He's escalating." She said softly to her partner. She smiled at Rae and started to ask some questions.

_Escalating._

Finn felt his inside boiling.

"It could be Liam." He replied to the question the officer had just asked Rae.

"Liam?" She asked.

"It's not Liam." Rae said softly. "It's not his style."

"Phil."

"You think that any guy who's nice to me is dangerous." Rae dismissed the idea. Finn turned to the officers.

"What are you gonna do to protect her?"

"There's not a lot we can do." The male officer responded.

"This does come under the malicious communications act." The female officer said softly, "and we do know that killing and mutilating animals is often a precursor to other crimes."

"Like rape or murder?" Linda spat. "That's what you mean isn't it?" She almost shrieked. Rae silently gasped, her whole body tensing up. Finn put his arms around her protectively.

"Yes, it can mean that. But not always." The male officer agreed calmly, considering Rae. "We'll increase patrols in the area. See if we can find out who sent you the dead rodent." He tried to sound comforting.

"Well that's useless isn't it?" Linda asked in disbelief. Finn nodded his agreement. The female officer lowered her eyes as the male officer opened his mouth to respond.

"She seems ok, but we want to take her in for observation." The paramedic said.

"I'm coming with her." Finn said resolutely to the paramedic. "I'm not letting you out of me sight." He said to Re.

"Me too." Linda asserted.

"There's not enough room for both of you." The paramedic led Rae from the room.

"I got her Linda." Finn said softly. She nodded slowly.

"Ok." She answered grimly, "I'll call your dad Finn and the school." Linda added, "I'll meet you at the hospital."

"Can you call Archie too?" Finn asked, "Tell him to tell the gang." He turned without seeing her response and followed Rae to the ambulance.

"Jesus Christ." Archie's mouth felt numb. "Birds of a fucking feather." He tried to joke and Rae shook her head at him while Finn shot him a murderous look.

"You saying she fucking deserve it cos she not well, so o' course she attracts the nutjobs?" Finn asked angrily.

"No." Archie answered carefully, "not at all."

Rae sat in the hospital bed, a machine monitoring her vital signs attached to her.

"I feel fine, I wish they'd let me go." She said softly.

Izzy and Chloe arrived together, both hugging her as if she'd been given a death sentence.

"Oh my god, are you ok Rae?" Izzy asked frantically.

"What did the police say?" Chloe asked with deep concern.

"I'm fine!" Rae said again. "And the police don't think that I'm in that much danger."

"Yes you are." Finn said moodily.

"Stop it." She snapped testily.

They'd clearly already had this argument too many times and Finn sat staring at the wall grumpily while Rae, resolutely ignoring him, reassured the girls and went over the details with them, Archie also hearing them properly for the first time.

Chop appeared at the door.

"Raemundo!" He said with worry on his face and he crossed the room, instantly hugging her the minute he was close enough.

"I'm fine." She answered his unasked question. "I mean horrified. But fine." Chop and Finn exchanged a glance.

"What?" She asked.

"Guys don't do shit like this unless they mean business, Rae Rae." He said, uncharacteristically serious.

"I realised that after me mum yelled at the cops." She shook her head. "It's fine honestly. I wish everyone would stop fussing and let me go home!"

"No but…" Chop looked up at Finn again and Finn nodded. "Me cousin's in jail." Chop started, his eyes looking up at Finn again and Finn nodded resolutely. "He there cos he killed his ex-girlfriend." Rae's mouth dropped and Izzy gasped.

"Chop! Why would you tell her that?" Chop looked over at Finn who nodded again.

"He started like this." Chop continued, ignoring Izzy's thumping on his arm. "Presents and shit, then it were dead animals." He shook his head, "Rae Rae, you gotta be careful." He hugged Rae and she turned her head to look at Finn, his face solemn and determined. She reached out for him and he took her hand, moving closer to the bed; this argument between them over.

Linda returned with food from the cafeteria to see all of Rae's friends crowding around her, Finn protectively keeping an eye on the door.

"Well I didn't get enough for all of you." She said as she handed food to Rae and Finn.

A nurse bustled in and took some blood.

"We should be able to let you go home soon." She said warmly. "Most poisons would have done their job by now." She smiled and pulled the needle from Rae's arm. "Hold this." She told Rae to hold some cotton wool over the wound as she worked

Finn looked at Chop meaningfully and Chop nodded, understanding that he had to look after Rae while Finn left the room.

"Gotta pee." He said softly to her and kissed her cheek before heading to the men's bathroom.

He walked into a stall and sat on the toilet, the seat down and let his nerves hit him. He started shaking, tears springing to his eyes. He knew he couldn't be too long; he had to look after Rae. But he just needed a minute to feel the panic and try to let it pass properly. He didn't want this shit inside of him; it made it more risky that he'd make a mistake. He lit a cigarette, ignoring the no smoking rules and drew heavily on it.

When he finished the smoke, he'd head back.

When Finn left the bathroom, Linda was sitting, crying, on the seats outside Rae's room.

"You alright?" He asked her.

"Yes. Fine, you know." She sniffed and looked up at him, "listen, I think Rae should stay at your place for a few days."

"Me too." He agreed.

"Right well, they're releasing her now." She said softly, tears streaming down her face,

"I'll look after her. Don't worry." Finn tried to reassure her. She nodded and took a tissue from her bag and covered her mouth as she sobbed.

"I know." She waved him away and he went back into the room to see Chop's eyes glaring at the door, he nodded, satisfied.

An hour later Rae sat on Finn's bed with a huge mug of tomato soup; a big bag of her clothes in the corner, and her mother's order to not come back for a couple of days. The gang postponed the pub outing tonight and re-planned it for next Friday. She watched Finn fussing with a small tv set he'd stolen from his dad's room, trying to get good reception, and smiled, feeling deliciously warm and safe.

Finn's dad and Janice had been horrified when Finn had told them what had happened. Janice had been at home going over the finances for the community centre, and his dad had left work early to fuss over Rae. Janice had cooked lots of food and Gary had offered to buy Finn a proper double bed. Finn had nodded his head seriously in reply, saying that he felt that the longer Rae stayed here, the safer she was. They were going shopping for it sometime soon she supposed.

He sat on the edge of the bed and looked at the floor. She watched him in silence for a while.

"Chop's got a lot of shit in his family." She said suddenly.

"His dad had 8 siblings. His mum 7. There's a lot of family to have shit." He smiled.

"Are they Catholic or something?" She joked but Finn nodded. "Oh!" She laughed, but Finn only smiled grimly before looking back down. She watched him take a deep breath and keep fidgeting with his fingers.

"Do you want me to sleep on the floor tonight?" He asked suddenly.

"Why would I want that?" He looked up at her with a confused face.

"Well, you know… scary stuff happening, and…" He looked back down at his hands, "you're on it. So-"

"What's that got to do with anything?" She asked angrily, "is that why you didn't stay last night? Is that why you're not touching me proper today?" She put her soup down and sat up angrily. "Do you have a problem with my period? Cos I can't help it! I don't want to have them!" He looked at her angry face, more confused than ever, but remembered what Chop had said about Izzy getting cranky and not liking to spend time with him.

"I'd go, but I don't wantta leave you cos of what happened." He tried to explain.

"I can't believe you!" She jumped out of bed, furious.

"Sit down!" Finn said with concern, "you've gotta rest!"

"I'm going home!" She was still wearing her dressing gown from this morning, so she started to go through her bag to get clothes.

"No please don't!" He pleaded. "I'm real worried about you." He tried to make her understand, "and I wish I could just hold you, but I understand that I can't and I'm ok with it. It's whatever you need right?"

"What do you mean you can't?" She turned on him angrily.

"Cos… you know… I can't." He said confused. She glared at him and crossed her arms, waiting for an explanation. "On account o' your period." He lowered his eyes, so he missed her confused look.

"You can't hold me cos o' my period?" She asked him.

"It's ok. I understand." He said gently, "I know how much it hurts. I mean I don't." He shook his head. "Just please sit down ok?"

"Finn? What the hell?"

"I'm trying me best Rae, ok?" He looked up at her with pleading eyes, "Please sit down." He motioned to the bed but she sat on his desk and glared at him, still wanting him to explain.

"Why can't you hold me cos I'm on it?" She asked angrily.

"Cos you're in pain. And you don't want to be touched." He looked up at her face, hoping he was doing the right thing.

"Where did you get that idea from?"

"Well, you said it hurts. Me text book said it hurt. Chop said, with Izzy-"

"Chop said?" She shook her head.

"Well he's got experience with this stuff." Finn replied anxiously.

"You shouldn't take girl advice from Chop, remember?"

"Aye… but…" he stuttered. "But he said that Izzy."

"I'm not Izzy!" She snapped angrily and stood up.

"No, sit down, please."

"Why d'you keep wanting me to sit down?"

"Cos o' the blood loss."

"Oh my god Finn, even at its worst, is not that much blood!" She was exasperated.

"Well I don't know do I?" He said honestly, "when have I ever had the chance to learn about this stuff?" Rae stopped in her mental tracks. No mother. No sister. Stacey and Olivia were too perfect to ever bleed on their boyfriends. Woeful school education on the topic.

"You haven't." She answered. "So instead of asking Chop, you should be asking me." She said firmly.

"I didn't want to bother you."

"Well it's my job to be bothered by you." She walked over to the bed and sat down. "So ask."

"Alright." He sat down beside her.

"Can I touch you?"

"Yeah, but we can't have sex." Finn put his hand on her lower back and scooted closer.

"How bad does it hurt?"

"Some months it's real bad. And others it's just an annoyance."

"Do you still want me around?"

"Yes."

"So you're not cranky?"

"I didn't say that." He grinned at her.

Rae stared at the wall, Finn's arm was over her, holding a hot water bottle to her lower stomach, his body pressed against her back. He was asleep, but he still held her tightly. He had asked her dozens of questions about her period, and she had answered them all.

Then they'd talked about her stalker, Rae insisting that she wasn't in that much danger, that Chop's cousin was probably some one-off lunatic. He'd been really frustrated about her lack of worrying about the stalker.

She'd kissed him when he was the most frustrated, and they had kissed for a good, long time. His hand had crept down to her pants, ready to slide under them and then stopped, a frustrated groan coming from his mouth.

He'd gotten her the hot water bottle without being asked; remembering the hot shower they'd shared yesterday.

So much of the day had gone by in a strange haze.

She was exhausted.

She couldn't sleep.

Someone had sent her a dead animal.

Someone wanted to hurt her.

She protested and told Finn to stop worrying. But she as terrified, and his arms around her were the only thing keeping her sane right now.

_'I Alone' by Live_

Archie woke up on the floor of his bedroom, a bag of pills on his chest, his face aching and his shirt torn. His joints sung out in pain as he moved to get up, the pills dropping to the floor. He looked at them, completely unable to remember what they were.

"Special K." He said suddenly, "from Tom. Right." He stumbled into the bathroom, and peed, hitting the rim too many times and having to clean up. It took forever to make it clean, his hands seemed to want to be somewhere other than where he was telling them to be.

He washed his hands and looked up at the mirror.

"Fucking hell." He looked at the big bruise he had under his left eye. He had no recollection of how he got that bruise.

"Special K." He said in explanation to himself and staggered back to his room to hide the pills. He sat on his bed and yawned for a moment, willing himself to be coordinated enough to have a shower.

Eventually he stumbled downstairs, still not feeling fully in control of his limbs and looked at the fridge for a long time before finding leftovers and sitting at the kitchen table to eat. There was a knock at the door and he looked up at the clock.

"Fuck." He said to himself. He was tutoring Chloe in history and she was here. "How is it fucking 5 o'clock at night?" He asked himself, "fucking ketamine." He grumbled as he got up and went to the door.

"Hi." She smiled wanly and wandered in. "Where are your family?"

"Aunt Mae's 60th birthday party." He tried to grin. "I have to head out after." He nodded at the books in her hands. "Mum would have made everyone go out after breakfast to help set up and stuff." He finished, uninterested in his own story.

They sat down at the kitchen table, Chloe opening the books to the chapters on Napoleon. But her eyes had barely fallen on them before she turned to Archie.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"You know how Finn and me was hanging around for few weeks before he started dating Stacey?" She watched him nod and moved her pen nervously between her fingers, "did he ever say anything about me?" She asked and Archie sighed and looked away. He remembered Chop and Finn bragging about girls; talking about sex and orgasms. He remembered Finn saying that Chloe would be on the end of his dick by the end of the week.

"Nope." Archie lied and picking up a pen he turned to the books. Chloe crossed her arms across her chest and tried to focus on the dates and facts that Archie was talking about.

"I'm in love with him." She said softly, as if the words had just decided, of their own accord, to leave her mouth. Archie looked at her; she looked so fragile and vulnerable, her face pleading with him.

"Chlo…" Archie said, "I think you're in love with the idea of him. Not him." He watched her lower her eyes miserably, "I only say that, cos I think you can't be in love with someone unless you know them really well."

"Well I do." She whispered. Archie put a hand gently on her back, "you been through a lot lately Chlo. I think you just want a Finn."

"I've loved him since before he were with Stacey." She responded sadly. "It's not a new thing."

"Alright." Archie rubbed her back gently.

"I kissed him in Sutherland."

"What?" Archie shook his head, "I can't believe he'd do that."

"He didn't kiss me." Chloe mumbled and Archie took a deep steadying breath. "I feel so bad about it Archie." Chloe looked up at him, "Rae would never do that to me." She started to cry and Archie pulled her into a hug, rubbing her back gently.

"You've had more than your fair share of shite happen to you Chlo." Archie said soothingly, "I think you're just fixated on Finn cos he seems perfect and you think he can save you. And that made you make a mistake. And that's ok." He added carefully, "but you know, he's not perfect. And you can rescue yourself from all the bad stuff."

"Yeah." She said softly, totally unconvinced. "Or Rae will save me. Except she won't after this."

"Yeah but she don't know so it's ok." Archie smiled, "and you know, maybe she doesn't have to know about this one tiny mistake." Archie watched Chloe shake her head.

"I have to tell her."

"No Chlo, I don't think that's a good idea." But she stood up.

"Arch, I have to. I can't have this sitting inside of me." She turned, not taking her books with her and headed for the door.

"Fuck." Archie scrambled to his feet and followed her.

"Chloe, think about the consequences."

"I am." She said softly, "I can't hold this inside Archie. Rae taught me that the truth is best."

"No Chloe, wait!" He called after her as she left his house, "Chloe, don't!" She got into her car, "CHLOE!" she pulled out of the driveway, headed for Finn's place.

He watched the tail lights fade from view and then, with a sudden clarity ran inside and called Finn's number, his fingers fumbling, he had to hang up, take a deep breath and start again. He fumbled the number again. Put the phone down angrily and took a moment to calm himself.

"Archer, Finn does not live that far away; she'll already fucking be there so get your shit together."

He picked up the phone again.

She listened to Gary and Finn laughing in the kitchen. It was the best they'd been since Finn had found the letter. She worried about what would happen when Gary found out about that. But for now a certain kind of peace had settled over Finn and he seemed to forgive his father. She left them to be alone; making pizza from scratch. They were stretching dough right now, flour dust all over the kitchen. She looked through Gary's record collection, impressed, and heard a tiny, timid knock on the door.

Gary and Finn hadn't heard and Janice was off buying Italian wine for dinner. Rae got up and opened the door.

It was Chloe, tears streaming down her face.

"Chloe?" Rae breathed, "Are you alright? Come in!"

"No." She swallowed hard. "I just came here to tell you something." She looked down and took a deep breath. "You're my best mate Rae; I love you." She said, "And I'm so sorry." Her voice cracked as tears dripped from her chin. "I kissed Finn in Sutherland."

Rae heard the phone ringing behind her.

"What?"

Finn picked up the phone, trying to wipe the dough from his hands.

"Ciao!" He laughed down the phone, embracing the Italian food.

"Chloe's on her way there right now to tell Rae that you guys kissed in Sutherland." Archie said it as quickly as he could.

"What?" Finn asked bewildered.

"Go and stop her!" Archie ordered. Finn dropped the phone and hurried out into the lounge room, Chloe was in mid-sentence.

"And then he-" She stopped when she saw him.

Rae noticed that she had stopped and turned to him. He saw the hurt, the betrayal, but it was the fact that her eyes were completely dry that worried him.

"Is it true?" She asked softly. Finn's eyes flicked to Chloe and then back to Rae.

And that was all she needed. The hesitation.

"Right." She said firmly. She looked at the floor and then at Chloe, then Finn. "Right." She pushed past Chloe and left the house.

"Rae wait!" Finn ran after her, catching her hand as she left, but she ripped it from his hand forcefully.

"No don't!" She yelled, "Don't you come near me Finn!" She turned and left. Finn balled his fists up, wanting to follow, but not sure if he should, he paced on the road watching her leave, biting his bottom lip.

_Should I run after her?_

"I'm sorry." Came a small voice.

"You're sorry?" He turned on her, "I did nothing wrong!" He yelled, "It was all you. And I didn't tell her to protect you!"

Gary came out of the house.

"What's going on?"

"You ruined everything!" Finn ignored his father and yelled at Chloe. "You did it deliberately didn't you?" She shook her head crying. "Stay the fuck away from me Chloe."

He looked back down the darkened road.

_Go after her._

_Don't you come near me Finn_

Her words rung in his ears.

_What do I do?_

He saw the image of her leaving the first time, pulling her hand from his.

He hadn't gone after her then.

He looked down the road again.

He ran.


End file.
